Afraid of Intimacy and Triggered by Sex
Ever since I got cheated on I've always been afraid of getting intimate and thoughts of sex or sexual content just seem to leave a bad feeling in me. Like I can never feel comfortable thinking about sex with my S.O. without feeling like I'm not the only one they spend moments like that with.
I've heard (and know) from experience that if they mention someone else a lot, usually in a bad way, it means they've done something with them or have feelings, but are afraid to hurt the person they are currently with.
I'm so damaged from my last relationship that I can find a reason to feel comfortable sexually without feeling like I'm getting played or cheated on. Anything triggers me, discovering a new "ticklish" spot for instance makes me feel like someone else found it first. Having them be more engaging and affectionate makes me feel they are making up for something they've done.
I feel like becoming celibate because the thought of sex just hurts and makes me feel like I'm second best.
I don't know what to do.
Dear @rastergraphics1989
I can surely understand your position right now. You are hurt and you feel like you cannot trust anyone anymore. It may be something that will take a lot to be repaired so you need to have patience with yourself and also allow yourself to get closer to someone but in a very slowly way.
It's about a new partner as well, but also about your relationship with yourself. Help both yourself and your partner to understand what you feel/think whenever you are touched in a certain way or when you are triggered by a sort of thing they do. If you aren't comfortable, don't force yourself.
Intimacy it isn't only about sex or physical touch. But also about how strong your trust, communication is. Give yourself time to understand what you are going through but also understand that you are not in that bad relationship anymore. Not everyone is the same. Recovery is a long process and all your system needs time and care: your thoughts, emotions, physical needs. You're going to be okay, trust that!
Such excellent advice - I will add one thing- that is, don’t be afraid to gradually explore what feels good to you (touch, visual) in a non-threatening situation (i.e. your bedroom or other safe area) and re-learn the association between pleasure and safety. When you have reestablished the link between pleasure and safety/strength then you will be on firmer grouped emotionally. Hugs.
