Disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment?
I’ve had sex before, but I can’t really enjoy it. I’m terrified of looking inexperienced and making a fool of myself if it’s someone I’m actually close to, but I don’t feel anything towards random hookups really, which I’ve tried because I thought the anxiety of not knowing what to do would be reduced if I didn’t have to worry about seeing them ever again while still letting me gain some experience so I can feel confident when I actually want to have sex with someone. But that hasn’t worked. I had a “situationship” that sort of fell into a FWB situation, but I can’t initiate physical contact and I feel extremely guilty, perverted, or just gross if I even try to express what I want? This applies to all physical contact too, I would feel this intense disgust over even wanting to hold hands. I feel like I’ve now started to link sex with physical contact, and I’m not sure if I want sex or just a hug, and if sex was just a way to get that without having a relationship. I don’t want to have sex with people I like because it feels far too personal, and I’ve noticed that with most of my talking stages/the closest thing I’ve gotten to a relationship, I either become really attached if the other party isn’t, but if there’s actual potential for something good to happen my stomach flips and I cut it off before it can go any further. I don’t know if I’m just afraid of commitment, if I just don’t have the sex drive I’m supposed to, or if I’ve just had sex in the past for some kind of validation? I have a very close friend of many years, and we’ve discussed a fwb type thing before, but we’re really close so I’m not sure if thats why I’m not able to, because I would hate to put any strain on the friendship, or make it weird if I wind up never wanting to think about it again. I was really in the mood one time and I thought I was finally able to separate any meaning from the act, but when it came down to it I couldn’t do it. I wish I could just enjoy casual sex without placing so much importance on it, or figure out what it is that I really want. Does anyone else have any similar feelings or experiences?
There's nothing wrong with you if you aren't able to feel anything with random hookups. Physical contact and intimacy can be difficult for some and it may take a while to get comfortable with it and that is okay.
I really hear you! Definitely have had similar complicated feelings about sex and closeness to people and physical touch. I've come to realize physical touch is important for me, and I need to feel close to other people emotionally. I don't mean that even in relation to sex but just in terms of how I relate to and connect with other humans.
I think it's also understandable to not feel anything towards random hookups. I've tried that a couple times, but I don't think I could get used to it. That seems like a good self-knowledge for you to have, and I don't think you are the only person who feels that way.
I just also wanted to say about the looking inexperienced thing - honestly, I think if somebody is going to judge you for being "inexperienced," that's not your fault. Somebody could have had a lot of sex but not with the specific person they're currently with. Maybe just try to feel it out with each person because it's always different.
And of course you don't have to have sex if you don't want to, ever. And it's also okay if you do want to and you have some challenges with it. Just being honest and aware (which it seems like you are) is important I think. You can approach it however is right for your situation.
I don't know how much any of this resonates, but those are my thoughts.
This makes a lot of sense! I have started to switch my thought process on sex as something that I should do for myself and not to please other people, which has led me to having some different perspectives on it, but if I don’t enjoy it I shouldn’t feel like I have to in order to please what I think others expectations are and that’s ok! Figuring out what I want will take some time I think, but that will come gradually and when I’m comfortable.