Help with painful sex
Initially I said I wanted abstain till marriage. The first time he said just the tip, then broke the hymen. So I ended up going with the flow, and we’ve been having sex about once a month? Reason why is that I’m terrified of it cause it hurts when we do it, so I try to avoid it. Idk if I’m too tense, or not sexually attracted to him, or he sucks. I’m also his first. It might also be trauma, cause we went through a lot of trial and error with sex (initially no lube or foreplay, unknown latex allergy, reaction with lube, now we’re at coconut oil and no condom but it still hurts, albeit not as much), causing me to tense up and be uncomfortable with sex.
I do have some fantasies on ways to make it more arousing for me, but I’ve never confided in him. I do want to try it out, but I fear our relationship will never be the same again. Also I dont think he turns me on sexually. Truth to be told, I hate sex with him because it hurts, not sure if it’s because I’m to tense, he sucks, or it’s not doing it for me. I’m dryer than the Sahara desert when we do it, so I often close my eyes and imagine something I’ve seen in porn.
How do I fix this?
@sorosoro I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Definitely speak up and advocate for yourself. Would you really want a partner that doesn't care that you're in pain? I believe you can get non-latex condoms. I'm not sure what kind of lube you used, but you might want to ask a doctor about a hypoallergenic version; I'm not sure about coconut oil. You should also just tell him to be gentler and go more slowly or trying being on top.
@sorosoro
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. It's normal the way you feel about your situation. I get the impression he's more focus on himself during intimacy without thinking of how it's having an impact on you. Attraction and feeling safe/understood plays a major role on this because if those three things are not there then it will definitely hurt you. Your partner might not be aware of the difference between men and women during intimacy. Men are able to feel aroused very quickly during/before intimacy, however for women it will take a bit longer because it's all about the romance, safety, connection and interaction for them. In other words, your partner feels aroused quickly, but he's doing/saying things that's completely turning you off, and it makes intimacy painful for you. The more he does things that's turning you off, the less likely you will want intimacy with him because it doesn't make you feel safe and attracted to him. The opposite would happen if you felt high attraction for him, which will make you want more intimacy. Hopefully what I said makes sense, and that you are able to come up with a solution for your situation.
