I can't deal with no sex at my marriage at all.
Hi everyone.
First of all, English isn't my first language so probably I will commit a few mistakes, and I'm sorry for that. :)
I'm met my wife at Tinder (yes, the date app) a few years ago, almost 3 years actually and we fell in love instantly. We started to date, like every normal couple and we used to have a sex normal life. We moved to live together in January 2018 since then i feel that love isn't there anymore.
I know everybody says that when you get married things change. She got depressed and I thought that she needed a time to her self so it was ok at that time that she didn't have any desires because she was busy trying to be alive. My second thought was "Ok, maybe its just the medicines she sill be fine" and yeah, she is healthy, she conquered a lot in the last year, we got officially married and everything but since 2019 i dont know what looks like to be kissed, or desired or wanted like a woman, like a wife.
We tried to open the relationship a few timed but she always give up because she get jealousy about it and to be honest i don't want anyone else. I want her. Its been almost one year since the last time we had sex. Almost 10 months since the last time we really kissed. I didn't had a honey moon :(.
In January 2020 we almost got divorced because I'm too tired of all this situation. We decided to started again, step by step, but I'm the only one who is walking and that's breaks me everyday single day.
💔
@Vancavilima69 That sounds like an incredibly trying situation and I can tell you are frustrated. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Before I continue I feel like I should confess that my last relationship ended in part because of my depression. If it weren't for a few differences, I would have sworn I was reading a post from my ex. I tell you this because if you don't agree with what I say, it could be because I am biased. I haven't been in a relationship where I was the person that was feeling neglected; instead I was the one that struggling with my mental health issues and I was the one that often felt pressured by my partner. I think the only advice I can offer you is maybe give you insight on how your partner might be feeling and what I wish we did to save my last relationship.
Like I said, I was the one suffering from depression. I think it started with a lowered sex drive when I started taking new medication for an unrelated health concern. I don't think I noticed the change in libido as soon as my partner did and he didn't tell me it was bothering him until it was really, really low. At that point I was feeling terrible for letting him down. I felt like a horrible partner for not realizing that I was rejecting him so often and I wasn't noticing at first. I felt like a failure for not being able to give he what he wanted. I felt like the most unfair person in the world because I couldn't even compromise (maybe not have sex everytime he suggested it but I felt like I should have been able to do it at least a few times). As soon as those feelings of failure took over, the depression hit me hard. Everything made me sad and I cried at every little thing. Every action I took felt like the worse thing I could have possibly done and it compounded the existing feelings of failure until that thought raced through my mind 24/7. "You're a failure, you're a failure, you're a failure..."
It feels silly looking back that I didn't realize it was most likely the medication I was taking. But it took a LONG time for me to come to the realization and throw out the rest of the pills. Then, just because the pills were out of the house didn't mean they were out of my system. Like it took a while for the symtoms to surface, it took awhile for them to get erased. All the while my partner was expecting my behavior to change like a light switch because he knew I stopped taking the medication. It didn't. And I think the added pressure he put on me to "fix myself" made it harder for those feelings of failure go away; made it harder for my depression to go away. I think I was JUST starting to get better (we weren't having sex but I was more willing to being affectionate in other ways) when something terrible happened in my family. I had someone close to me die and I was devastated. Any progress I made was gone as I was forced to deal with my grief and he was forced to wait for me to "fix myself" once again.
He waited a few months but the grief wasn't getting better. Everyone says grief doesn't have a time limit but apparently he felt differently. He wanted me to be better NOW, he wanted a physical relationship NOW, he wanted me to be my bubbly, happy, affectionate me that he first met NOW. I couldn't meet those expectations and his patience with me ran out and he left me on New Years Eve. I'm still dealing with the breakup and it still hurts me so much.
What I wish we did was communicate more as a couple. Not so much conversations where we said what we wanted (having him tell me repeatedly what he wanted added so much pressure which I think slowed down my recovery and having me tell him repeatedly to stop asking me left him feeling rejected and left out of the relationship). Instead I wish we had some sort of check in meeting where we didn't demand anything from the other but simply checked in to see how the other was doing or how they needed support. I also wish we saw a counselor. Sometimes those big conversations need a mediator to ensure noone is attacking the other party. A counselor would have made sure we were taking active steps towards our goals instead of getting stuck in the same routine for the last few months. Seeing someone would have made sure that we were communicating effectively. If we understood each other, maybe we could have made it.
I hope this helps. They say hindsight is 2020 and I wish someone gave us this advice when I had problems with my ex. I don't think he realized how much pressure he was putting on me when he was thinking about how frustrating our lack of sex was. I don't think either of us realized that a counselor could have been helpful for a number of reasons. I don't think either of us knew how to move forward so that's why we simply walked away.
If you don't take the advice and you do decide you would rather walk away and try for a relationship with someone else, I have one last piece of advice. Be positive in your decision before you make it. My ex left me and then tried to come back soon after. Now he won't leave me alone - constantly asking me to take him back and reconsider my decision. It was his choice to leave our relationship. It was his decision that my depression was too much for us to get through this rough patch. I was forced to accept his decision despite that rejection devastating me. Can you imagine how badly that hurt to have your partner leave when your depression is telling you constantly that you are a failure? I don't tell you this so you don't break up with your partner. It is your decision. I made it through my breakup and I'm sure your partner can find the strength to make it through yours too if you tell them they have to. But don't put them through the turmoil of a breakup and then come back. They need to heal from the rejection, they need to work on their depression. They need to move on with thier life. If you decide to leave then leave. Because leaving and coming back can be detrimental to thier health and that's unfair to them.
So think long and hard before you tell your partner anything. If you want to save the relationship, don't tell them you'll be there to help and bail halfway through. Be sure you are ready to commit. If you can't commit to working with them on saving the relationship, then you need to commit to leaving. Like ripping off a bandaid they need to feel that pain at once and then move one. I know it will be a tough decision but I'm sure whichever one you pick will be the right one for you. I wish you both the best no matter whether that is together or separately.
@SecretlyMe hi there. I don't have enough words to describe how grateful I am for this. I know that talk could be very hard specially something so particular.
We both, me and her, are psychologists so basically we know how things work and thats why I'm still trying for so long. I understand and i see her in your words, specially about feeling that you are failing in every act. We talk about this a lot, about her fear of not being enough or not being what I'm expecting. But here's the thing: she feels okay with that and part of the deal was: we both come back the therapy and we both come back to our treatments. I'm doing my part. She said "no kisses" and I agreed. So basically its being on her time. It took two weeks until she decided to take my hand and if i want any sort of contact i have to ask her permission. Like "hey love, can i hug you?". I don't know how i can be more comprehensive than this, i dont, really.
I'm at a point thats i don't even want to have sex i just want a kiss on the neck, a dinner with candles i dont know something romantic and affective and not feeling guilt to want that, not feeling guilt to want to out her hair being her ears, or kiss her forehead.
Sleep at the same bad and know that I have no permission to hug her if i had a nightmare its a nightmare but i dont want to pressure and neither give in. She decided to open the relationship, unilateral decision. I dont even try to go out with anyone else.
@SecretlyMe i dont want her to feel bad for being sick even that she is good now takes a time to rebuild yourself, i know that.
She dont havr anyone, the people of her office always joke about it. Its her way, her personality. One time a asked why just virtual friends and she said "I won't cry when they walk away... More close, more pain". I wish a could but i can't put her on a bubble and protect her for feeling everything. I dont want to be pushed away... I'm her wife not a stranger. I want her to feel safe with me and loved. I'm trying to always remember her hoe incredible and beautiful she is. How smart and genuine her personality is...
I hope that's makes any sense to you.
@Vancavilima69 That makes a lot of sense. A lot of that was said to me by my ex as he was breaking up with me. Your intentions are in the right place but the relationship can't continue in this standstill. Action needs to be taken. Either you both need to come up with a plan to work through some of these issues or you need a plan to move on. My partner didn't didn't want me to be sick either but his patience did run out eventually. You're already frustrated and the frustration will continue to grow the more you leave the issue alone.
My biggest mistake in the relationship was isolating myself from other people too. I had a very similar mindset to your wife where I was pushing people away because I didn't want them to hurt me. I tried not to push away my partner though. I thought that if I showed him I was pushing out other people but I wasn't pushing out him, he would see how much I loved him. I thought that would prove how much I was trying to please him even though I couldn't give him what he wanted. I thought it would show him that the rejection I was putting him through wasn't caused because I was rejecting him as a partner but because there was something wrong with me and I couldn't help it. Obviously that was wrong of me. Because really I was still pushing him away even when I tried not to. And isolating myself from everybody but him left him feeling obligated to stay with me longer than he wanted to be. My actions of isolating other people in my life made him feel less like my partner and more like my caregiver. He became so worried about what I would do if he left that he stayed in the relationship that made him unhappy for a long time. That's not what our relationship needed.
That's why I suggest seeing a counselor. She might be wrongly thinking that what she's doing is a good thing for you just like you think being there for her without doing anything to fix the relationship is good for her.
@SecretlyMe thank you for everything and for talking to me. I really appreciate your effort and kindness ❤️
@Vancavilima69 Of course. That's why we're all on 7 cups. I hope I didn't come across as mean or rude. I know how difficult this situation can be for both of you. And I know I am still a little angry at my own ex but I didn't want that negativity to get transfered to you. You haven't done anything wrong. You obviously love your partner and that's why you are so concerned and you're trying everything to fix things.
I wish you so much luck moving forward. I am not a listener on this site but I am always here if you want to talk about this more.
@SecretlyMe you aren't rude at all! Don't be worried about it. 😅🌹
We all have a fight to deal and that's ok. One little step every day =).
@SecretlyMe To put her hair behind her ears***
She don't hug anyone ****
@Vancavilima69 I know that's hard to see and harder to live with. I don't know how else it can be resolved other than to seek help from someone. Maybe there is another way but my biggest regret know that my partner left is that we didn't talk to someone. We didn't try harder to rebuild our relationship or try harder to understand each other's point of view.
It's hard for you to be patient with her when you don't know when it is going to end. I think it will make you feel better when you start working with her to fix the relationship.
I also know it's hard for her to be affectionate. I think talking to a counselor will help her make small goals and changes to her life so she can return to the person she used to be.
@SecretlyMe therapy its always a good way to illuminate a few things 💛
@Vancavilima69
I can understand this situation v well. How it difficult to manage emotions and need.
You know it like you want to walk on right path..but life let no option. Still not to choice that path. Feel helpless and frustrste. Not easy situation to manage.
@Divorcsupport not at all... =(
@Vancavilima69. i can relate to your message. inbox me to talk?
I believe you when you say just a kiss will do and not from just anyone. Intimacy has many levels. It starts with talking. Do you talk about sex? It's a primal need and it has benefits for depression.
Depression is an evil little thief, its true! I know the libido is effected but depression is not the whole reason. You need to find out what else is the reason and sounds like you are opened minded about that.
You both cannot continue long term with this problem. Have you tried professional therapy for couples? Its no magic cure as I hoped it would be but at least you both learn about what is good and what is a deal breaker. They give tips too.
I really hope you both find what works and come together. Somethimes its communication that stops and needs a reboot. Best wishes.
