I need advise on if my boyfriend has done something wrong or if I am just traumatized
I thought I was in a loving relationship with my boyfriend until I thought about a random incident and our sex life in general. To be transparent, my previous relationship I was sexually assaulted. This being a new one, I am very sensitive to sexual things or being taken advantaged of. I just want to make sure my boyfriend didn't do anything wrong, because I love him so much and don't want it my inner thoughts (if they are not valid) to ruin our relationship.
Basically I have been thinking that when we first started dating (2 years ago) I sort of felt pressured. I non-verbally consented i think, because during the intimate parts, I indicated my consent in natural ways, like being involved, making sounds, reciprocating touch etc. However in my head, I felt a little discomfort and uncomfortable, I just never said anything, and honestly, I think I was just a bit undecided if I wanted to so I just went with it. My face never showed my reconsidering though I don't think, and he didn't ask (I think out of just not thinking to because I seemed into it) so I do think it would be unfair to blame my partner when he at this point did not know my history with sex. But. I still think about this encounter and it affects me for some reason. I think it's just the confusion of consent and that internally I wasn't sure and it happened anyway. Now, he knows everything since I confided in him. And because of that, he is so intuned with me and sex. Even if a slight pass of questioning goes over my face that looks like reconsidering second thoughts he immediately stops what he's doing and checks in on me. It wasn't like that at the beginning and we sorta just did it with not a lot of emotion involved yet, and I just dont really know where to go from here.
I guess I am just looking for reassurance that it isn't bad to stay with him and consider this a normal interaction with maybe just some mixed feelings on my end and not an invasion or breach of my trust initially. And if it is okay, will these feelings of doubt go away? Also I am considering trying medication for anxiety, do you think it would make these thoughts stop also?
Now there are some factors that could change my opinion but based off of what is written .truthfully and I mean this with all respect I think you are over analyzing the situation because of the ptsd from being assaulted I think in all fairness to him and based off of what you said you willingly participated Ur verbal and non verbal cues were all saying/pointing to yes the only problem was that ur mind wandered And maybe u were not ready at that time to jump into bed considering u were still healing from the trauma due to ur unfortunate past But how can he read your mind? How can he stop or ask what’s wrong if you are displaying more of a positive reaction ?That’s not fair . especially if he acts really carefully during sex now! Don’t you think if he would have known he would act the same as he does now ? He did nothing wrong and if the relationship makes u happy then please stay because u have a man that cares and loves you but if u are unhappy or not ready for relationship then leave but don’t over analyze and knit pick the situation looking for a reason to run from it , just get up and leave. Also I was sexually assaulted too so this advice is coming from one victim to another if you feel like stopping then stop . If you are uncomfortable then leave. Never be afraid to speak up Because if u only wait for them to ask u u can accidentally re-traumatize yourself . I’m so sorry you were assaulted! No one deserves that . But sex after rape is never the same fully there’s always gonna be that question of trust this may have been the trauma in ur head asking do we trust him enough for this? It’s hard to open up and make urself vulnerable after but once trust is established it get easier hopefully u understand everything I’m saying . I pray for u and hope the best if u ever need advice from one rape survivor to another I got your back
@booksandsleep12
Reading the title of your post, and then reading your actual post, it seems to me that he hasn't done anything "wrong" but in fact seems to be taking your past experience into consideration and being careful of your well-being by checking in with you and observing your responses. That, all by itself, shows he's a good man. You asked, "I guess I am just looking for reassurance that it isn't bad to stay with him..." Why would it be a bad thing to stay with someone who is apparently giving you every consideration and clearly cares for you?
I think it's pretty understandable to having these mixed feelings. You're no doubt remembering the assault, having flashbacks, etc but at the same time you trust this man, you know he loves you and is taking care not to hurt you or push you, etc. so it's a contradictory, confusing mishmash of emotions. Understandable! Will they go away? I don't know. Maybe. But in my opinion, you would be well-advised to explore counseling to help you, individually, and as a couple, to help the two of you so that your relationship doesn't end up suffering because of your natural, understandable mixed feelings about sexual intimacy. Communication is all-important in any relationship, but even more so for you and him!