Intimacy is a Strange and Uncomfortable Thing

So, I don't know if I should even be talking about this here... I might sound a little indirect with my terminology here because I don't know how much is technically allowed on 7Cups, even though I am posting in the Sexual Health field.

I am the one that has to share my boyfriend with another girl, and I have been doing so for nearly a decade. I'm also the one that won't just leave because that would be more dangerous for me personally than just staying and dealing with the things that bother me.

So, with that in mind, I haven't wanted intimacy in... a while. I also have been drifting away from my boyfriend in small ways. Suddenly now he wants me more than I think he ever did, and he puts a little more effort into pleasing me.

But this is simultaneously good and bad for me. It is good because I am finally getting some of the attention I wanted before. It's bad because now I feel like I have to give him some bedroom time in return, which only makes me more suspicious when he randomly offers to scratch my back or take me out for dinner.

He said I am a good girlfriend because I give him bedroom time even when I don't want to. He also believes that having sex withheld is a toxic feminine abuse tactic.

You might be asking why his other girlfriend doesn't give him bedroom time. Well, my friends, she would love to. Funnily enough, it is him avoiding bedroom time with her. He only wants to do it with me, the person that has not been comfortable doing it.

So, I guess I am venting a little. I usually prefer to be private about my sexual health stuff but he's been hinting lately and it's making me tense. He wants to take me out today (if he follows through is still yet to be known, but he used to flake out on his own plans a lot). He rubbed my back yesterday. Now I can feel him getting ready to expect intimacy, and I don't know if I will just let it happen or if I will try resisting again. Sometimes he handles resistance okay after a bit of pouting, and sometimes it turns into a deep talk about how I'm ruining the relationship if I don't take care of his needs.

I guess I feel very conflicted and uncomfortable. I used to want more of this kind of attention and now... I don't want anything even mildly sexual anywhere near me.