Issues with girlfriend
I have no idea how to talk to my girlfriend about sex. Our sex life feels completely dead and I feel super frustrated because I don’t know what to do. I wish we had sex more but I also just wish we at least talked about sex more. I find sex hard to talk about and my girlfriend has a lot of sexual trauma and I want to make sure that I am respecting her feelings and boundaries around sex. I think she finds sex really hard to talk about.
I feel really sexually frustrated and it’s stressing me out a lot. I love my girlfriend so much and feel like I could marry her. I love her so much. But our sexual relationship is so dead. I don’t know how to talk to her about how I feel sexually. I want to talk to her about my sexual frustration but I am worried that it will make her feel bad about herself. I am willing to work in the issue of our sex life together but I don’t know if she is also willing ti do it. That is what’s stressing me out I think.
I don’t want to be stuck in a sexually unfulfilling relationship but I also love and care about her. I have tried to discuss this in therapy but have not been able to make much progress, at least not yet. I find this whole situation really stressful. I am terrified to talk about anything sexual with her.
I guess I just wanted to share and see if anyone else could relate to me 😕
Maybe ask her to have a conversation about it? Like ask her in advance if maybe at the weekend or whenever you both have some time she'd be willing to talk about your sex life and set aside a time to do that. That way she can have time to prepare herself for the conversation instead of it being sprung up on her. I find that always helps me when I need to have a conversation that I'm uncomfortable with.
And then just explain to her how you feel and go from there.
@confusedRaven6140 Thank you for the suggestion, I think it’s a good idea. The thing that worries me about that is that I would probably psyche myself out before the conversation and then probably find a way to avoid it. I feel like I’m not even sure how I want to talk about sex or what exactly I want to say to her, and I’m worried about the conversation going badly. If you can’t tell already, I have a lot of anxiety 😅
I feel like a starting point for me should be to clarify what exactly I am wanting from her and what I want to ask her or what my goal is in that conversation, if that makes sense …
@eumesmo
I find that saying it creates some kind of accountability where I agreed to something, so I gotta do it. Plus, I have my partner to hold me to it as well (though in this case I'm not sure if your girlfriend would do that).
Another thing I find helps is just write it down. Helps me figure out what i want to say. And if necessary, read it to her when the time comes if you think you can't keep it straight in your head.
I can try to journal about it a bit, or maybe discuss it in therapy. I have discussed our sex life in therapy a bit but lately I have been focusing more on issues between me and my family and some other things. But my sex life is causing me a lot of frustration; or rather the lack of sex is causing me frustration I guess?
But it’s not even that I necessarily want to have sex more or I want to have it a lot. It’s more that I just wish sex were an easier and more relaxed topic between me and her. I wish I could just tell her how I am feeling or ask her for things without feeling like I am violating her boundaries or annoying her….
@confusedRaven6140
@eumesmo
Well, I can only say that from my perspective... I want my boyfriend to tell me how he feels/what he wants. I care about him and part of that is wanting him to enjoy sex and be comfortable sharing that with me in every way. And like... it takes work. Like pretty much anything in a relationship. It's something that's very intimate both physically and emotionally and it can take time and some awkward moments to get fully comfortable. So, I don't think you would annoy her. If she cares about you, then she wants you to have a good time.
@eumesmo
Its good that you are aware of your personal needs in the relationship, and it’s excellent that you are also considering her needs and are conscious of her discomfort. You’re not being selfish, and you genuinely do care about respecting your partner and love your partner and want a future together.
In respect of all of that - this is a conversation that will bring you both closer together, and that will only improve the relationship and help you both to understand each other’s needs better. In the long term, if your needs aren’t addressed, the frustration will eventually foment into resentment towards her and the longer the tension builds up the more magnified the situation becomes.
So just take a breath and calm your anxiety. These feelings are completely normal. Its natural to desire sex with someone you love, and you have physical needs. It’s OK. Maybe she also very much wants to be more intimate with you but just doesn’t know how to go about it? Maybe she would like your support with dealing with her sexual trauma but has not been comfortable asking for your help because she gets nervous about what your response might be? So you both respond with mutual anxiety that is reflected to each other and creates that distance and tension around the topic of sex.
Maybe start with being more affectionate with her. Intimacy doesn’t just have to be about ‘sex’. Hugs and kisses and holding each other is enough to develop strong feelings of bonding. So do more of these things without expecting sex. Show her that she is enough for you - let her understand that at the core of your being she is your person! The idea is to enhance and foster feelings of trust and intimacy without making it explicitly about sex. Tell her what she means to you. Reaffirm her self esteem. Love her and be vocal about it. Make her feel safe, like whatever she is going through, you will go through it with her, together!
And only then, when you have taken this time to be closer to her, to build trust in her, to demonstrate your own commitment and love for her - then talk about the issue. Let her know how hard it is for you to even talk about, but also how important you think it is that you both understand and talk to each other. But try not to feel ashamed! Its very important that you remember - you’re her partner and you love her! Its not some kind of deviant feeling to want her, to desire your partner, to want physical intimacy. And remember also, that if you behave awkwardly around the subject that will also make her feel more awkward in response.
So a good suggestion in that earlier post up there was to let her know in advance that you want to talk about it. Perfect. That gives you both the time to think and process how you both feel about the issue and what you want to say. These conversations can be difficult - but in the end you both love and trust each other. Maybe don’t approach it as ‘a problem’ that needs solving. Maybe think of it as a conversation that will help you better understand your partner and help her better understand your needs.
Wishing you all the best with everything~!
CatsInTheCradle
@CatzInTheCradle
Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions. I think I maybe just need to open up the topic with her. I think what I am scared of is that she will get annoyed and not want to talk about it, and then I will back off because I am scared of hurting her feelings or violating her boundaries. The idea of setting up a time to talk about something might be a good idea, because that way we can make sure neither of us is stressed out and we are both focused on this issue.
The rest of this week is a really busy week for my girlfriend and I, so I don’t think we’re going to be able to go into much detail about this topic this week. But I was just realizing an hour or so ago how sexually frustrated I was feeling, so I feel like it is very important for me to just bring this up to her.
I also want to discuss this topic more in therapy. I have discussed it a bit in the past with my current therapist, but I feel like his advice wasn’t very helpful to me, it just felt like it wouldn’t help. But maybe I should have just been more honest with him and told him that I didn’t like his advice.
Anyways I’m feeling like I need to address this issue and make some progress on it. For starters I’m thinking I should just try to broach the topic with her a bit… I would rather just be direct and open with her, even if it is hard. I don’t know if tomorrow would be a good day to at least talk a little bit about it but I think I have to start somewhere. I might just tell her that I want to talk a bit about sex if that is okay with her, and see if she is open to doing that. I could try doing that in the evening, after we are both done with work.
I will think a bit more about this and think about what the best strategy might be. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it-
@eumesmo
avoiding conversations based on assuming the other person will respond this way or that way is a recipe for bad communication and hidden feelings.
I wish my husband who began to have issues spoke up ........ he kept quiet and frankly made any small item we had with sex 10 times worse. that is turn made other issues balloon up too.
if your describe your sex life as dead .........i would guess it is not great for her either...couples have ebb and flow with sex sometimes a one partner is wanting much more then down the road it might be the other person...
You’re right, I just need to face up to it and talk about it. I want to do that but I guess I’m just not sure when, we are both really busy this week. But it doesn’t help to keep putting things off and waiting for the “perfect” time. I think I should just text her and tell her that I want to talk about it and that it is really important to me and see how she responds
@eumesmoI wanna start off by saying I recognize this situation in my own relationship.
Trauma is always a tricky thing. If you've repressed it, effects will be there, but mindboggling. When you remember it all, the images will just haunt you day and night en feeling secure is nowhere near. Maybe you think you are feeling secure but then you're pushing others away, afraid of commitment or being hurt... it's tricky!
However! There's lots of hope and no reason to despair. I for example have a much higher libido than my boyfriend. I struggled with that in the beginning, and a relationship is there to give and to take, yes, but it's also about meeting in the middle. Masturbate more to at least get to your urges! I mean look up some strange porn, get wild, do your thing.
To your girlfriend, I suggest you listen to each other. Not you only to her, but in this it is handy to keep an ear out if she wants to talk about sex. Tell her she's safe with you, that you would never judge her, be honest if you like something she's saying about it, make sure that it's not about the sex, but how sex belongs to a romantic relationship and that there is all the time and space for her to find safe grounding (it takes time and do not take it personally because it's a personal process), you may be able to help her, but she has to get through this herself.
All you can do is to create a safe environment and give each other space to get to your own needs and grow. Be there for each other, be honest, keep talking and keep being positive with one another!
