My girlfriend wants to stop having sex altogether
My girlfriend is asexual, something I knew about her from the beginning. As she had described it to me, she feels no sexual attraction to others and is not a big fan of sex, but she does receive pleasure in pleasuring others.
I was single for a very long time, and despite my high sex drive, had only had sex twice in my life before, long before her and I were together. She was a good friend who confessed her feelings when I was in a very dark place, ending a decade of loneliness and solitude. She healed my wounds with her care, her kindness, her love, and an intimacy I had never known.
Our sex was beautiful, and it was fun. She was experienced and was happy to help and guide and explore with me. She wanted to help with some fetishes and fantasies, and I did the same. We went to sex shops together at her suggestion and bought some things. She even wanted to start making videos to help pay the bills while exploring together. She had never experienced orgasm before and said she felt I could do it for herr.
I was excited. I'm a very overweight man who never felt attractive. Suddenly I felt desirable. She was so loving and caring and good to me. The sex was an amazing bonus I never expected.
Then over the last month everything changed. Like her sexuality shifted. She no longer feels pleasure giving others pleasure. She wants it less and less, but still wants to make me happy, so she does it for me. But I just feel bad. Like I'm using her. (Con)
She doesn't really participate anymore. She's become very passive. I just feel like I'm using her. She says she doesn't want to have sex with anyone anymore. Being aroused makes her feel dirty. But she knows I have a high sex drive and feels like a bad partner for not helping with my needs. Which I've assured her isn't true. I told her the sex stops when she wants it to. And she us seriously considering it.
I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to make her do things that feel upsetting and dirty to her. Sex isn't everything, but it is important to me. That intamacy. That connection. But suddenly it's gone. Other aspects of our love life are fantastic. She's still so wonderful. But I feel like there was a precedent and an expectation set by her that is suddenly gone. I don't blame her. Its nobody's fault. But I don't know how to handle the disappointment. The emotional whiplash of this sudden change.
Now we have these thing we bought at the sex shop she wanted to go to that will go unused. We never made a video either. I was so excited. It made me feel wanted. Desirable. Attractive.
She doesn't owe me anything. She doesn't owe me sex or fetishism, or any of that. I wanted it, of course. But it was her that made so many offers and ideas. I got my hopes up. And now that I've become a sexually active person, my drive us higher than ever.
It hurts to think I may never have that intamacy with her ever again. That we can no longer connect in that way. (Con)
@LasagnaAtWork
I am going through a similar situation in my relationship. Since my partner got into a sort of depression, sex has always been in the spotlights (meaning we had alot of fights about it) because I missed it more and more and we did it less and less. Like we did less and less outdoor activities in general. it resulted into the fact she doesn't want it at all anymore. No excitement feelings anymore from her side, not open to try anything anymore. I feel so disgusting like I made her scared to be Intime Because I expressed my frustrations, sadness and disappointed feelings very clearly during those hard months that I wanted it. isIt Thatlade her blocked in a way, even when that was never my intention and I never forced or manipulated her to make love with me. I just told her what it mad feel. I cried so unbelievably much.I was craving for connection in that way. I miss feeling wanted and chased. I feel constantly rejected and like I am not inspiring for who I am and look like.
This fact broke so much in this relationship. Like going through depression isn't enough, this fact makes it just a real nightmare. I am hopeless, desperate and praying to feel love in this way again from her. But at the same time I feel too guilty and disgusted by myself, like I am a horrific monster that made her scared and appalled towards making love.
I feel you ...
I don't know how to cope. How to deal with a sudden loss of intimacy. How to deal with this stupid revved up sex drive I now have.
She insists it isn't me, but to have an experienced partner lose all drive after five months with you when you already felt unattractive certainly feels like a problem with me.
What do I do? If it makes her feel dirty to be aroused it makes me feel dirty now. I feel bad even getting excited anymore or for even thinking of asking to have sex. It makes me feel wrong.
I love her so much. I want to be with her. But how do I emotionally cope with a loss of intimacy that was so sudden and so powerful and so healing after a decade of loneliness and not so much as a cuddle?
I don't need toys and videos. That was fun, sure, but I already miss the connection. It was almost spiritual for me. And in five months it's already gone.
If anyone has any ideas for how I can cope, I would reallt appreciate it. Or any other thoughts or advice. Thanks.
@LasagnaAtWork
Hi,
I would suggest you to really think about what matters to you the most and to think about the future, let's say in 1 year, how would you feel like if you were still stuck in this situation? Love does not always compensate for what we desire, like in this case would be the lack of sex.
We cannot change others because we, in the first place, choose to be with them for who they were. But if they do change drastically during their own growth as we all do, we must take that into consideration as well.
If you cannot endure the idea of still being like this in the future, unfurtately you should take into consideration the idea of splitting up or at least to look for therapy as a couple.
If there is problem with sex, it is rarely the sex itself.
If she enjoyed sex in a way despite being Asexual, theres most likely something else making her want to stop other then being Asexual.