Porn Trauma

My husband recently got over a p orn addiction. But during that addiction, me being neglected and rejected, I built up some trauma. It’s been about 8 months that he quit, but I still have serious trauma and ask him daily if he did it by himself or watched videos. He doesn’t but I pretty much convince myself that he does behind my back. The addiction was pretty bad and he would reject me to go do it alone with p orn.

here’s the thing that I really don’t understand. I ask him not to. And he finally doesn’t which is great and I’m slowly getting over the trauma of it all. It seriously messed me up. But.. it kind of turns me on now thinking about him touching himself alone, or catching him doing it alone. Pretty much like a fantasy.

i am totally against p orn now because of our situation and can’t stand the thought of going through that again. It almost caused us to split up. But why am I fantasizing about something that caused me so much pain and neglect? Being rejected was so horrible, yet I catch myself thinking about “catching him touching himself or watching videos without me” while we’re getting physical. And it often turns me on.

Any advice? Anyone going through something similar?