Sexual issues with girlfriend
My girlfriend and I almost never have sex and I don’t know what to do. We also prefer very different kinds of sex and activities. I think vaginal sex scares me because I am worried about her getting pregnant but it seems like the only kind of sex she is interested in. I’m feeling really confused and lost about how to address this in our relationship.
I care a lot about my girlfriend and I want to have a strong and healthy relationship with her. We live together and have been in a relationship for slightly over two years. But I worry about the sustainability of a relationship in which we rarely talk about or have sex. I want to talk about sex with her but I feel like she is rarely interested in doing that. She has a lot of sexual trauma and I want to be as sensitive as I can be to that. I guess what I am struggling with is wanting to talk about and be open about sexual things with her but I don’t want to seem frustrated or angry or annoyed about the challenges in our sex life, even though frustration is definitely an emotion I am feeling.
I guess I am worried about whether our relationship is sustainable at all. I don’t want to be mean or insensitive but if our relationship is going to continue to be like this for the rest of our lives then I don’t think I want to be in a relationship with her forever.
I don’t know if I am looking for advice or I just wanted to share. I have discussed some of this with my therapist but I don’t think that he has been very helpful, to be honest. I feel like he is not very skilled at working with and talking about sexual issues and I like him because there are a lot of other issues we can talk about but I feel like sex isn’t his strong suit.
Anyways I am just feeling pretty lost and unsure of what to do. I also feel drawn to porn sometimes and I feel ashamed and bad about that. I guess I just wanted to share all of this.
@eumesmo It puts you in an awkward situation when your therapist hasn't been very helpful in one way, but he is good in other ways. I suppose that's something to discuss with him openly, if possible.
As you probably know, and your therapist definitely knows, there are therapists who specialize in sexual relationships, and who would be able to work with you and your girlfriend as a couple to help you both to overcome the effects of her sexual traumas and your feelings about vaginal sex and porn.
I suppose maybe the issue is how to go beyond your present therapy in order to get that specialist help. There's a sense that if you do get specialist help then your relationship with your present therapist is at risk; if you don't then your relationship with your present girlfriend is at risk. I hope you can find a way to preserve both.
Charlie