Should I be worried about my sexual fantasies?
Hello dear people,
I'm new here. I am a 22-year-old young man, born and raised in the Netherlands. Since my childhood I have had fantasies that horrify and dismay me.
I am what most people would consider a sensitive and compassionate young man. My love towards many women is so strong that I have feelings that I want to give my warmth and love to many women. However I have some sexual fantasies it makes me worried.. I try to be romantic in bed, and extend the foreplay so much as possible whereby she gets more turned on and pampered like a queen (honestly I can't have a sex with a woman without emotional connection). But I have some thoughts or fantasies that it makes me sexual aroused (this happens especially when I'm very horny); when she could get caught and pain (like that she crying hard during rough sex, choke her, or forcing her that she gives me blowjob, spanks her ass so hard until her ass cheeks turn red. Spitting in her mouth)
I come from a military family, and it makes also excited to being a soldier. I have sexual fantasies that I kidnapping a woman with higher status (like police officer or lawyer etc.) in my soldier uniform with a weapon. Or fantasize I did something wrong and was arrested by a female police officer, we keep making eye contact, but she treats me like a bitchy woman. So I offer her payment that she can release me. She accepts my offer and I fantasize that I forcing her into the locked room, pushing her up against a wall without any foreplay (with dirty talk) And having anal intercourse (without condom) while getting a little bit poop on my dick.
I remember when I was a child (six or seven years old) I had a toy gun that looked real (it was heavy and was of iron). I put on a mask, went on the road to finding girls in our neighborhood. I 'kidnapped' a girl, she cried, I felt sad for her, I let her go.
Please do not get me wrong, I don't want to hurt anyone, therefore I'm here to need you help and advice.
However after a rough sex with the girl (the features and fantasies that I mentioned above), I have strong feelings that I want to kiss and caress her, and making her clean in the shower, or dry her after shower, or making eating to her.
Can I be a good partner in a relationship if I combine my rough and kinky sexual fantasies with a romantic manner? Or should I get help?
Thanks in advance 😉
@Anatolian Firstly I am in no way an expert in this subject. but there are people who enjoy a rougher type of intimacy. For a relationship to work, it is the communication that needs to take place. You write that you do show affection to women, and desire them, so perhaps discussing this with your partner is a good idea. Not everyone is up for what you have described, but there are women who are interested in that and some that may enjoy a certain aspect of what you have described.
Communication, mutual understanding, consent and respect are key in this. Good luck!
@Anatolian I find that addressing any sexual fantasy revolves around communication. I always try to work at what is it that makes it exciting, and how can you incorporate that element in your sex life in a way that is comfortable (and even better, arousing) for both of you?
@Anatolian
Hi, first, thank you for your trust with sharing some quite intimate thoughts.
There is something important about fantasies : they're fantasies. Which doesn't mean they're things we actually want to do. But things we fantasize about. In fact, most of the time, people who try to act on their fantasies in real life are quite disappointed, because realizing fantasies isn't the goal.
And starting from that, it's safe to say that
1) there's absolutely NOTHING bad, shameful, or anything like that in having fantasies, even if they can scare you (should they be about things that are either illegal, violent, or opposed to your values)...
2) thinking, dreaming, fantasizing is just that. It's not harmful, it doesn't impact anybody other than yourself, it's totally safe.
Acting on it is an other story... When they're harmless fantasies, like trying something new, roleplaying, etc well, you can try them if your partner-s is/are ok with it (= respecting and assuring consent of every person involved in it). But if it's illegal, violent and imply some violation of consent, then it's really important to keep them as they are : harmless thoughts. If they become too much of an obsession and worry you too much, or if you're afraid to act on them and harm people, then maybe it could help to talk about them with someone (a listener, a therapist, a sex therapist etc).
If you're into kinky sex, or kinky ways of taking pleasure (bdsm isn't always related to anything sexual/about genitals, in fact some people just take pleasure in non sexual bdsm), then yeah you could talk about it with your partner-s. Communication is really the key here, as long as we keep in mind that if anything we'd like to try isn't ok for our partner, then it's a no and except if they change their mind, it's never ok to pressure anyone into doing something they don't want / don't feel at ease doing..
There is a nice tool about sex communication, I find it really interesting. It's a list of sexual things, and each partner is invited to check each item with a "yes", "no", "not sure" "fantasy", "not applicable". It's a great tool to open discussion about what is ok or not ok sexually. It can be a way to open a discussion about kinky stuffs. Here is one example ==> https://www.scarleteen.com/sites/files/scarleteen/ynmPDF.pdf
Roleplaying can also be a way to get close to your fantasies, but it require real safety and protections. There are some kinky guides out there on the web, which will give you some keys to indulge in safe roleplay and all, because well, as you say, you don't want to harm anybody, so best way to avoid that is to know what you're doing :) (and to get your partner involved in that research too, if it can reassure them)
As it was said before, consent, respect, communication are the keys to find what feels good for BOTH of you. Let's just keep in mind that most of the time, fantasies are better to be left as fantasies :)
@Anatolian it is quite possible to combine both quality after all weather you're romantic or kinky mood you're the same person at the end of the day but you have to remember the way you may fantasized things or situation in your mind it may not be or feel the same way in reality
