Struggling with Crossdressing Husband
My husband is a great guy, partner, father etc. But he also cross dresses and has since a kid. He says it's mostly a sexual thing and I'll believe this as his libido is almost nil when not dressed.
Thing is, thanks to indulging this proclivity a few times some years back to make him happy, now my libido is dead! I'm so turned off him when he's dressed that we've now agreed to remove it from the relationship and he indulges alone when away.
This has helped me not end the marriage as I was thinking seriously about this. I know he's only being himself but it started to feel like my husbands happiness meant I had to be miserable. I'm really not attracted to people who look like women as I'm not a lesbian. So this arrangement is working as my husband is also quite selfish with the dressing and I don't think minds going it alone. But my libido is still dead. I don't see him the same anymore. I just see in my head this guy wearing a dress and make up with a silly look on his face that I guess he thinks is sexy. He doesn't think he looks silly but to me he does. I'm not trying to be mean either - but this is my husband and father of my children. Why does he need to play all these dress up games to get off??
Sorry if I'm offending anyone. I'm just tired of this headspin I'm caught in. I want to find him attractive again, I really do, because as a man he IS attractive but how do I lose the past images of him dressed like a woman?!
Extra info: He told me early in relationship but omitted most of the important stuff like how compulsive it is and how heavily linked to his sexuality it is. I discovered all this, to my horror, quite a few years into the marriage. So this isn't what I expected and if he'd told the truth we wouldn't be married right now and that probably would have been the smarter option :(
Wow!! I truly commend your bravery in coming here and sharing your story with us. I see that this situation is really difficult for you. Having known people who struggled with this same thing, I can see how this could affect you so deeply. However, there are options. while some of my friends went to couples counseling and came to a working compromise, others ended up splitting up because no compromise could be met. Since we cannot give advice here, I cannot directly say what you should do. Also, ultimately you are the expert on you and your life. If you think that it is something that a counselor could help you work through, go for it!! It never hurts to try! I can tell you'd prefer not to let your marriage fall apart, if at all possible, so I would also suggest you do some research. Also, open communication never hurt in any relationship!! I truly wish you well and hope that you two can find the right counselor to help you work through it. Please know that we are all here for you and wish you the very best! Good luck and I hope you can find a great listener as well!! 
" I discovered all this, to my horror, quite a few years into the marriage."
I thought my ex was a woman and I was a lesbian but she was really a transman and honestly, you just open up and become a better person and accept them for what they are ( and he's not my ex cause he's trans, other things happened between us that had absolutely nothing with the trans part to do ), you just called him selfish for wanting to dress up but what are you doing? You are keeping him from enjoying something he truly loves, you need to compomise and let him dress up sometimes and other times he will be manly for you, it doesn't matter if you're attracted to women or not, you love HIM and you should want HIM to feel pleasure aswell, it probably took him so long to tell you cause he was afraid of being turned down by his own wife, which he is now.
I'm not going to assume how his female self looks like, but there is an unfortunate number of men who dress up as tacky women with messy wigs and bad fitting dresses, in case he is one of them, encourage him to look for better quality and better fitting items.
It is important to care for eachothers needs in a relationship, even if it is something one of them finds slightly crazy, he isn't hurting anyone dressing up, if he was into scat or gore I would understand you, but now it doesn't seem he is, and if he is such a great person, that should weight more then a dress, have fun togheter.
I am not attracted to men in womens underwear but if my boyfriend decides he wants to do it he should and I will accept it fully, the last thing I want to do is supress the needs of the one I love.
From what I've read this could involve alot of lies and secrecy and thats never good in a marraige.
@Treelover79
Perhaps there is an underlining need to explore his feminine within himself.
What are some other ways you can validate his need to explore that identity while still exploring his needs?
Secrets are usually a bad thing in any relationship. This is a socially unacceptable behavior and that's probably why he lied about it. I can understand your feelings because you are unattracted to women. This might not be what you want to do but maybe there can be a common ground.
I'm actually struggling with the same thing right now. I knew it was an issue when we were dating, and it's been a huge issue with our relationship because there are times he can't even finish unless I'm talking about the clothing he could be wearing. Now to be fair, it's only clothes instead of makeup and the whole nine yards. He likes the feel of the material and the tightness of women's clothing.
Im afraid I don't have much to offer. My husband sees how it upsets me, and doesn't do it in front of me anymore, but knowing it upsets me he does try to not do it so much anymore. We've come to determine it is a form of fetish, which isn't really something we can change. If you two are open about it, then there should be some agreement where he doesn't do it around you or something like that. With something sexual like this, in no way should you have to do something you're not comfortable with. If he's okay having sex without the clothes then that's good. But it's like any other fetish. If you liked sucking toes or something and he found it as a turn off, even disgusting, you probably wouldn't do it.
anyway, that's all I can offer unfortunately.
@Treelover79 I am on the other side of this, being the man who likes to dress. I have liked dressing up since I was very young and at first I think it started as a sexual thing. Now I just dress to relax - the urge usually comes when I am stressed with work.
However I kept this all as a secret from my wife and she only found out a few years ago when she found a photo of me dressed up (skirt, top, heels, wig etc). So at that point we had a discussion about it and she told me she was ok with it but just didn't want to see it. I felt so embarrased about the whole thing that I said I had only dressed 2 or 3 times since we had been married whereas the reality is that because I have a stressful job that involves travel, I was taking the opportunity to dress up in hotel rooms.
I have tried to respect her by keeping it out of the home but it's something i can't stop easily although I can go for 6 months or so without feeling the need to dress up.
I'm not sure this reply is much help but I am here to chat if you want to understand more.
@ilikedresses
Hi. I actually didnt read your post properly, but it would be good to chat about what its like on the other side. Thanks
I am truly sorry for your pain. I am a c/d and I hide it from my wife for 20 years until she found my stash of clothes. It made her question herself her women hood my sexuality. I chose to be a coward I lied and hide. she just wanted to understand I offered no compassion or answers. She felt like I love clothes and toys more than her. She felt alone rejected and unwanted (its such a horrible feeling). Our lies brake and destroy the ones we love. I am still in love with her. I should have given her a chance to decide if she could accept it. Just take the chance good or bad outcome. COMPLETE HONESTY is the only way to heal
@Atariman667
My husband is cross dressing. It cropped up a bit in the past but he had some excuse like he was just experimenting or it wasnt him. The last time it came up, I thanked him for being honest with me and for being vulnerable but felt it was only fair to share that I didnt feel comfortable with it or know if I could grow to accept it. I dont feel like one of us should sacrifice this much happiness at the expense of the other. Nor do I subscribe to what others have suggested or noted that their partner simply does it when they are not around. That makes me feel separate, unneeded and wonder what else he isnt being honest with me about. He was raised around his mother and three sisters and used to borrow their underwear. He claims it is not sexual in nature, but wants to have sex when dressed up and jerks off too. Like your wife, this all just makes me feel redundant and separate. I dont want to leave my husband. I do believe he loves me and our family, but I really could use some advice or better understanding as to how to truly be more comfortable and accepting of this.
@bestWillow2544
Hi, sorry to hear you're also struggling. Things haven't really improved for us sadly, and I feel on the fence about my marriage most days. I know he can't help being like this, but it's also quite selfish of these men to bring an alternative lifestyle into other people's lives with zero consideration for what we want or need. But that's crossdressing unfortunately - a secretive, selfish compulsion that they like because of this and not in spite of. I always shake my head when people suggest these men wouldn't be like this if only society would accept them etc. Yet, live with one for long enough and you realise part (if not most) of what they get off on is the very fact it's taboo and socially unacceptable. They love the thrill and they're no better than naughty boys.
Anyway, if you want to chat that would be great. No point talking to crossdressers about it as they're biased and prone to bullshit. I'd rather chat to another wife and get support that way. I wish I could live with this issue better but as it stands, I think about leaving my marriage regularly. Sadly, this one part of my husband distracts from all the others and I still don't know how to fix that. Another wife questioned whether her husband was mentally ill, and in some ways I think, yes, they are. The behaviour is bizarre and compulsive and often removes logic. It doesn't stem from a healthy mental place. I don't know why or how they like living this way or why more don't seek treatment. I think men seek selfish pleasure more than us perhaps, and this is definitely a pleasure activity for most and therefore they put if before other parts of who they are.
I'm rambling here, I know. Just nice to share with others who understand this pain. I don't see myself living with this forever and I don't see my husband finding any sort of joy in any relationship with another person as his crossdressing will always limit his ability for true intimacy. I don't think we deserve to live like this...I don't think any woman deserves to live with crossdressing taking their place.
@Treelover79
(edited by SouthernFlame for unsupportive tone) I have a relationship like this before. A lot of straight men I've dated have a lust for crossdressing for fun. It's like a hobby to them. You should see the statistic on that.
But to call your husband who cannot control a behaviour "selfish" when it's your own selfish desire to make him stop. May I ask you to give that a thought?
If you truly love your husband for who they are outside of crossdressing, then you're just selfish at this point. You wont ever find a replacement for your husband. I've been there and I wish they would come back but I've destroyed my marriage from being selfish as well. And now that I've read up on crossdressing and transexual behaviour, I now understand better.
Perhaps a little dive into getting along with the LGBTQ community can help you? (Edited by SouthernFlame for unsupportive comments and generalizations)
Thanks
-Joanna
@Treelover79
I also have a cross dressing husband who I banging my head against the wall to understand. We have been married 20 years and I want to save the marriage, but I just don't understand why he can't be honest with me about his dressing. There were issues in the past with it where I found out he was sneaking clothers, wigs etc out into the car and apparently "just driving around." I was very upset by this to say the least because I thought it was something between us, and not this driving around etc. There's has been so much secrecy and I exposed him on that as well as pictures I found on his flash drive that he had taken of himself dressed up. I ask if there's nothing going on with you then why is there so much secrecy. He claims that he knows I'm not "into it" and he wants to keep it private etc. He also is a compulsive buyer of clothes, wigs, etc, etc. He hoard this stuff in boxes in the cellar. I look from time to time and I know things shift around, yet he's not dressing up....
I don' t know if he's mentally ill, but I'm guessing so. I've been in this marriage long enough that I almost beleive half of the things he says, but I just don't know. Is this a common theme with crossdressing husbands?
@sincereWalker4963
Hi there, I've sometimes worn female clothing for sensual bdsm with my wife in the past. But she didn't like it so I stopped (and she dressed up instead). In the meantime, she also doesn't like any kind of kink in our sex life and wants a more naturalistic space to love based on truth, inner abundance & alignment, and authenticity. By being true to ourself, we can fully see our partner and dig deeper into the naked beauty, presence, spontaneousness, and subtle erotic that intertwines blissful moments. It's exciting and I accept her decision never to dress up in dessous, experiment with structured lustful play/bondage, or use dirty talk again, nevertheless I'll miss being sensually dominated. Hopefully this new path will also fulfill my lustful desires completely if I give it a chance. Maybe there's also some erotic space where you can both be to some extent as/what you like while respecting each others sexual and personal boundaries? Just sharing and thinking aloud. Feel free to tell me to be quiet. I'm new here, your topic resonated with me a little.
@sincereWalker4963 maybe ask him what he enjoys about it? Take the opportunity to learn more about his needs/desires. He
@sincereWalker4963 I dont think hes mentally ill love. The art of drag is a 100% normal thing, its an art form just like painting. I personally think if you cant open up and accept him your the one thats mentally ill. ITS 2018 not 1918 SO STOP BE PREJUDICE.
I don't understand why a woman should be open and more understanding about this when a man carn't be open and honest with his partener.
But what do I know !
