The Initiation
Hello everyone!!
I am new here and I just wanted to share my dilemma hoping someone can help. I am a private person and I hope taking this step alone helps me. Here's the deal: I love my boyfriend to death and I love having sex its never a problem. But when it comes to initiating, I suck. I don't know why I am this way but I can't help it. I could be horny out of this world and super wet but like you said I will freeze like a deer in headlights and it all becomes a waste.This is something that has been bothering me for some time and has gotten me quite down in the dumps. My bf has a high sex drive but because of my lack to initiate sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. Sometimes I even have a hard time looking him in the eye while having sex and it has nothing to do with him or how i feel about him. It may be some self shame or insecurity but I don't know what it is deep down that keeps me from freely being openly sexual. Its tearing me up and its affecting our relationship. I hope someone sees this and has some kind of encouragement or insight because I am stumped on how to help it and i'm tearing up as I'm typing and thinking about it.....
@braveDay4317 Women think too much. I have been w/my husband for almost 6 years and sometimes I still get nervous for him to see me naked! Why? I don't know. He's seen me naked a thousand times, nothing has changed - unfortunately. (I need to lose a few pounds! lol) We just think way too much instead of just going w/the flow so-to-say. Your boyfriend is with you for a reason. And if he's acting funny about wanting more intimacy, well that also means he really does love you. If you were just some friend w/benefits, he wouldn't be complaining. So, whatever you are insecure about, I think you should confront that and let it go. Nobody's perfect. Guys really like when their girlfriends/wives initiate the sex. It makes them feel wanted. Men are simple minded - work, food, sex, family, and sex. lol And spontaneous sex also. Men are not very good at expressing emotions/feelings like we are. They express their feelings through sex. That's why I said if he just looked at you like a friend w/benefits, then he wouldn't complain about the intimacy. But he loves you. So stop being shy. Show that man you love him too!
This issue is fairly common for a lot of women. There are several factors at play here. Some of these include; gender norms, cultural expectations, social rules, normalized inadequacy for women (women are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, etc), self esteem, and insequrities. All of these factors can play a role in women not initiating sex. Have you discussed the issue with your partner? Between the two of you, you may be able to establish a "couple code" in which a small gesture or act on your part means "I want to have sex NOW!" This can be something as simple as turning a coaster over on the coffee table. This allows you to "initiate" sex without feeling as vulnerable. If this works in your relationship, great! If not there are lots of other things you can think about. Also talking to someone to help improve your emotional reactions to initiation will also help.