Was I raped? Please help me.
I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. We had a good relationship, but it just wasn't the right relationship. I'm beginning the process of moving on, but something keeps nagging at me. I'm not sure if our first time was consensual. It's driving me insane.
Now, I know that the definition of "consent" can be a little nebulous and varies from relationship to relationship, but I've been reading some articles about rape and the general consensus is: if there is no consent, it is rape.
My boyfriend and I had our first time in a kind of confusing way. We were at my house, and while we were cuddling, I asked him if he would be willing to put it in, or try penetration. He said yes. That is consent. But this is where things start to get complicated. In my head, I thought this was just going to be us finding out what the sensation would feel like, so just one thrust and then he would stop. But I think we had a misunderstanding because he kept going afterwards.
I was a little startled, but before I could say anything, he paused moving for a second and asked me if I wanted to stop. And it gets worse from here. I can't remember if I genuinely wanted to have sex, or if I was just unwilling to lose my virginity in such an unsatisfying and quick way. So I told him we could keep going. He asked me later on if I wanted to stop or not, and I always replied with no. In the end, I enjoyed our time together. I looked back on it as a fond memory for months. But I just feel uneasy now.
The reason I feel so conflicted about this is because I just don't know what qualifies as rape. I really don't want to consider my first time as a rape, but based on what I've read, even if your partner enjoyed having sex with you it is still rape if they did not completely consent. I had a good time, but I wasn't necessarily completely comfortable with it. I'm really scared. Is this just one giant misunderstanding? I've tried asking him, but he got defensive and said that he gave me opportunities to stop him. I really loved him. All the other instances of us having sex were consensual. Am I just spiralling? I've never had intercourse with anyone else, so I may just be really inexperienced. I would really appreciate any input on this.
@mootmoot16 I really don't think this sounds like rape...he repeatedly asked for consent which you gave, it doesn't sound like forced consent either, but just different expectations that you could have voiced at any time, because he did keep checking if it was still okay. It certainly sounds like something that's bothering you, but I don't think that something would count as being raped. Maybe just as having an unenjoyable first experience...or consenting before you really felt ready to...but that's still consent, even if on the inside you felt a little uncertain. Your partner doesn't need to be a mind reader, that's not fair to anyone. Rape would be if explicitly you did not give consent (whether absence of consent or directly not consent), or your consent was given under pressure of fear/other pressure. This doesn't really sound like that...
@sillyDuckling Thank you for responding. I've been feeling really anxious recently, and I think I was probably overthinking and being paranoid. I just really want to look back on my first relationship fondly. It was probably just a shaky first time where neither of us knew what we were doing. I really want to be friends with my ex, and I didn't want this experience to taint that friendship.
