different views on dating/ relationships
I have some time today spent a good deal reading posts from many here some young and some older.
I began to wonder what has happened to the subjects of dating and relationships over time.... On here I see people torn apart by even perceived they MIGHT cheat ideas.....or I chatted with someone and they might not like that or see as an "emotional affair " why do we feel a need to label everything? .....
Many people are doing long distance relationships or time apart and some errors in judgement might be made.... BUT in this day and age is that really a deal breaker....people have PAST.... and if every other person is a threat to your relationship maybe you are building on no foundation.
I see so many posts where they devoted themselves to a person .... then did not maintain or develop friendships outside of relationship so they feel trapped or alone or isolated ...... no wonder we have so much anxiety and stress...
I am not judging if you see anything in this that may relate to a specific person...... I am just saying whose rules or expectations are we living up to? no one but you is keeping score.
....... will you be attracted to another person in your life ... I hope so .......it is a feeling that reminds us we are alive ....will others be attracted to you? ..... BIGGER i hope so .......nothing better then feeling wanted and interesting and frankly in long term that fades.
The idea of ONE person only for the rest of our lives IMO seldom is reality but seems as people are beating themselves up trying to find it...or twisting themselves to maintain that.... give yourself a break.....
@toughTiger6481
Some of that is codependency due to abandonment fear, I know it well.
I read the posts here and talking with people in real life............... i am becoming jaded on the idea or notion of a "soulmate" or "one true love" etc there is no love of my life thing IMO
I know that in my life .......while i was thinking my spouse was great at one time ..........i simply no longer see what i ever saw in him....... i have changed / he has changed and cannot see anything positive about our situation anymore.
I meet people and wonder do i just feel this way NOW .............or would i have fallen for the new person IF we had met many years ago too.
Is it wanting to be a couple ........
or wanting to settle down that has us convince ourselves a person is the "one" ..... how do people on #2 or 3 or even 4 ........... what in the world would make someone MARRY again..... seems crazy to me
@toughTiger6481
there were many times in my life i felt that i've met a soulmate. including when i met my current and only spouse. it has happened after that too. more than my spouse would like, LOL.
i believe it's a biological and psychological thing. biological, because when our brain identifies a desirable mate, the instinct kicks in to procreate. i'm not talking about just lust and desire. it's a whole lot of more. the person feels special, makes us happy, we feel the ultimate validation and happiness (dopamine). some people feel it stronger than others, and it can be overwhelming to the sensitive types. it's great while it lasts. but we tend to do irrational things, as the nature is trying to trick us into pair bounding and offspring rearing (oxytocin).
it's psychological, because we are attracted to people who feel vaguely familiar, who remind us our own parents, which could be good or bad, depending how much your family of origin was screwed up. we can be also attracted to people (screwed up) like ourselves because they know how to validate others the same way they like to be validated. and finally, we're attracted to the opposite types, as we admire traits that we lack in ourselves. initially, as we meeting someone new, there is this "new relationship energy," and we tend to over-focus on positive traits and overlook negatives. later, we discover the negative things and they drive us crazy, especially if we're obsessive. the chemistry burns out...
of course people get distraught about losing feelings for the other person or being dumped or ghosted or otherwise rejected. that brings a whole layer of pain and fear, especially if one is addicted to the other person.
so, this is based on my life experience. how is yours different?
@LostTurtle22
Thank you so much for this makes a lot of sense to me ......and explains many items i wonder about as i have known some folks taht live their lives like a sitcom and "new bf or gf every second episode afer the last one being ... the perfect one etc...
in my experience i do not easily connect so when i do it seems like something very rare lol. I think your points on validation are probably spot on as the people i have been connected to seem to focus on items i need or want to be validated....
a great part of this site are people like you that shed a glimmer of light on a topic in a way i might not have seen it
@toughTiger6481
so funny you said the word "glimmer." in my circle, it means the feeling of instant attraction and excitement, when you meet a person that fits the "ideal" pattern in your brain. now, i learned to treat it as an early warning that it can lead to person addiction when unchecked. that is, i learned to work around my brain quirks.
Hello! I liked your thoughts. But let me share my thoughts. I was alone for a long time, and friend, I want to tell you, I was very lonely. So I decided to try online dating sites. There are many different dating sites out there, but I recommend checking out loveforheart.com. There are many beautiful girls here who will be happy to chat with you. By the way, this is where I met my love. I wish you love too!
@understandingTortoise8793
I am in a relationship and lonely ...... not looking for dating sites and i am a women so not looking for that even though it is fine for those who are.
i just see such pain in people trying too hard to make relationship more then they are