don’t know how to talk to girlfriend
I’m stressed because I feel like my sexual relationship with my girlfriend is completely dead. We don’t have sex and she rarely wants to talk about it. I feel lost as to how to initiate things with her and I feel a lot of sexual frustration.
We have never had a very sexually active relationship, but that is partly because we just have a really hard time talking about sex. I want to talk to her about sex more but I feel like it bothers her when I talk about sex. I’m just feeling really lost and confused. I feel dependent on her for sexual pleasure but she rarely is in the mood to do anything sexual. But I feel a lot of shame about masturbating and things like that. So I feel like she kind of controls me sexually, like my ability to get sexual pleasure and gratification is dependent on her mood. It’s very stressful and confusing. I don’t want to feel so dependent on her for my pleasure but I also want to figure out how to talk about sex with her and initiate things. I’m just feeling really lost right now.
I want to work on this with her but I’m not sure where to start. I guess I could try to have small, simple conversations with her but I’m just feeling kind of tired and frustrated and impatient, which is not how I want to feel. I think I just wanted to get that out. I’m just stressed. Thanks for reading.
@eumesmo
Why do you feel guilty about masturbating? Maybe think about her while doing it. Might help? Of course, the most important thing to do is just talk to her about it. But it might help if you're not super frustrated when you do. So maybe relieve that frustration a bit and then just do it. It's gonna be uncomfortable but you can just say "Look, I really want to talk about this. I don't want to pressure you or anything. I just need to start a conversation about it." Or something to that effect. Maybe start by asking her how she feels about your sex life and sex in general. Maybe there's something she'd like to try but felt uncomfortable asking? Or maybe something you've done in the past was uncomfortable and she didn't feel comfortable saying...
Sex is complicated for women lol It can be hard to get pleasure from it. And sometimes, it can be both pleasurable and painful at the same time. If we're not comfortable in our skin, it can be hard to relax and being tense can make it painful. There's also the fact that overall we are still shamed by society for our sexuality. It can be hard to overcome that and just be relaxed and enjoy ourselves. There's just a lot to it and having a partner who is willing to listen and take those things into account can be a huge turn on.
Ultimately, a good sexual relationship doesn't just happen. It's something you need to work on like any other aspect of a relationship.
Hope this helps and that you manage to work things out :)
@confusedRaven6140
Thank you for your response. I’m not sure why masturbation is a shameful thing for me, it could be because I grew up in a religious household where sex wasn’t really discussed at all and grew up going to church and Sunday school and things like that and I think there was a lot of sexual shaming in general. Or maybe I just got the message that sex and masturbation and pleasure were sinful in some way if they were not connected to procreation. I mean the Bible does talk about “onanism” and all that 🙄.
I don’t believe those same things still but I think they still affect me on some level. On the other hand, there is also the history of men in particular behaving in shameful ways sexually, in many ways. Men masturbate in public and on buses and stuff like that, I think my girlfriend has even been exposed to that before. Men just do a lot of really gross things and don’t really care about the consent of others so I feel a lot of pressure to be different and do better. It’s complicated.
Furthermore, my girlfriend has been through a lot of sexual abuse in her life, so that is another aspect to it; she has processed a lot of it in therapy but it’s definitely still something that is alive in her and which I don’t know how to talk to her about. I know it is an aspect of how she relates to sex but I have no idea how to engage her around it.
I also definitely know that sex is particularly complicated for women in ways that is different from how it can be complicated for men. I try to be really sensitive and empathetic but I think what I find challenging is that she rarely seems to be in the mood for even talking about sex. I think that’a what stresses me out the most. Because I feel like sex is a hard topic for me to talk about in the first place but then it seems like it is a hard topic for her too. So essentially what happens is that I often try to talk about sex and then she tells me she’s not interested in talking about and then I just feel kind of sad and frustrated and don’t know what to do to try to engage with her around it or talk to her about sex. Does this make sense? And I told want to tell her that I am feeling sexually frustrated or something like that because I am worried that it will hurt her feelings. So I’m just feeling pretty stuck and confused 😕 Thanks for reading—
@eumesmo
I will give a more detailed response later, but I will say this. You will need to talk aboutit eventually. It's not just gonna go away on its own.
That's understandable. Though just because some men behave indecently doesn't mean that mistreating at home where it affects no one makes you like them. :)
Have you guys considered seeing a couples therapist? That could help you have a conversation about it. Maybe suggest that? You need to let her know how you feel. Relationships are two way and both parties have needs. I would imagine that she wants to meet those needs as much as possible. But you need to let her know what they are.
@confusedRaven6140
We’ve considered seeing a couples counselor but haven’t yet, largely because of cost and because it wouldn’t be covered by our insurance. We each have a therapist and I try to talk about some of these things with my therapist but I feel like he isn’t super skilled in dealing with sexual issues (though he has helped me a lot with other things).
And yes, I agree that I need to share how I am feeling with her. I want to talk to her about it and at least share how I am feeling so she knows. I think I am worried and hesitant to be open and tell her that I am feeling frustrated because I don’t want her to feel like I don’t like her or something like that. I am worried about discussing anger in any way when it comes to sex (I see frustration as like a light form of anger) because I think that could scare her and I don’t want to do that. I am really worried about scaring her, I think that is one of the biggest things. Anger is a tricky topic for me in general and is an emotion that I have a really hard time discussing and expressing but it is even trickier and more challenging for me when it comes to sex things. I have a really hard time talking about anger or frustration when it comes to sex…. and I think that bringing up anger or frustration to my girlfriend is challenging because I think that she panics and gets really defensive and thinks that maybe I want to break up with her or something like that, which is not the case.
I think that if she and I are not able to make progress on building a healthier sex life, then yes, this would be a challenging relationship for me to stay in over the long-term. But I am nowhere near wanting to break up with her or anything like that, and I want to be as respectful of her needs as I can be and I know that she has a lot of trauma and has had extremely negative experiences in the past related to sex, and I want to be as respectful of that as I can be.
In short, I really love and care about her but when it comes to sex I just feel really stumped. I’ve tried journaling about it but it hasn’t been super helpful. I want to talk about it in therapy but I feel like sex is not a topic that my therapist is skilled in discussing. So I guess I just feel kind of lost about all of this. And I have to be honest and admit that I am feeling a bit frustrated….
Would it be possible perhaps once a month or so to swap one of your individual therapy sessions for a couples one? And maybe try to find a therapist that specialises in relationship therapy. Would that make it more affordable?
I don't really know what else to tell you. I guess it's just about pushing through that fear and doing it anyway. It will only get worse the longer you wait. If you think it helps, write down what you want to say and then read it to her or let her read it while you're there as well. That way stuff like tone of voice can't make you sound angry. And just include a lot of reassurances that you don't want to break up and that it's exactly because you want this relationship to work that you want to discuss this and try to work on building a healthy relationship.
@confusedRaven6140
I think she and I should talk about how we could afford couples counseling, I think we should see it as a priority. I think I should also focus more on our relationship within my own therapy… there had been so much ground I have been trying to cover and so many different topics I have been trying to address that I feel like I am not addressing my own relationship enough.
I think writing down what I want to say could be helpful, maybe like in a note on my phone or a word doc on my computer. I guess I feel nervous about her discovering it if I wrote it in my paper journal, even though she isn’t the type of person to snoop around or anything like that. But I think you’re definitely right, I need to find a way to actually talk about it or else it will just get harder over time….
Talk to her .. yes it might be awkward at first but this is a item that will not go away by itself.
I think it would be less awkward talking with a BF then discussing in front of others. she is in a difficult spot having had past abuse and it may take time but once you do talk it will relax you both about the subject.
there are i believe couples games............... that have cards that are ice breaker questions or ask things like truth or dare type things......... to get you started. I think it is a shame many people have disappointing sex lives because they are not willing to talk with their partner
@toughTiger6481
I think the card games are a good idea, we actually have a few that we could pull out. We haven’t really gone through them but the times that we have, they have been fun. Maybe setting like a definitive start and end time could make her feel like it’s not an open-ended commitment….
