story of an idiot

i told someone today that I was making the same mistakes, again and again. the person said that maybe it was a bad habit, rather than a series of mistakes.

honestly, i do feel it's a habit. i do tend to so that same thing frequently, and i do end up making the same mistake. but as for a bad habit, i'm not sure . . .

with the pain it causes me, i know for sure it's not a good habit. losing my buds after getting ousted from a community is not a good thing.

but if it were to be a habit, then i guess the habit would be talking to women. and talking to women shouldn't be consiered a bad habit, eh?

well regardless, that's what i've been doing. inf act, one of the only communities (i've not been ousted from) is also coincidentally a community where i only talk to men.

maybe talking to women is a bad habit. i mean, if i'm getting ousted from communities for it, then of course it's not a good habit.

anyhow, if i focus on empowering my imagination and finding resources to strengthen my imagination, i won't have to deal with talking to women.

i haven't watched porn for about a year. i feel porn is very powerful in its ability to relieve me and to grow my imagination and self-sufficiency. but there are a lot of reasons why i don't watch it. if i do ever plan on watching porn again, i feel i'll need to be able to address and resolve all the reasons why i shouldn't watch it.

alright, i'll try to list all the reasons why i don't watch porn.

1) computer viruses- i bought a new computer. i don't want it to suffer like my other devices that have been used for watching porn.

2) live crime- prostitution is illegal where i am, and porn is a form of prostitution where people sell sex (videos) for money. so by watching the videos, i'm supporting prostitution and also watching live prostitution. i don't think watching live crime is healthy for me, even because it might normalize prostition or inspire me to hire prostitutes.

3) moral- a lot of hidden cam porn videos seem to be recorded without women's consent. i respect women, to some degree, so porn videos are somtimes morally disturbing to watch or think about. even makes me feel guilty sometimes.

4) addiction- i was not just a typical porn user. i was a porn addict. i used to watch a lot of porn when i was a child. if i found a way to moderate porn consumption, i wouldn't have an issue with porn. but i have a high libido, most of the time, so i doubt it's possible to moderate my consumption.

5) discrimination- i don't like porn videos even because of their titles. some porn videos have ethnic, racist, or misogynistic titles. i don't watch porn for that, but i feel it slowly sinking into my mind. i feel i might start to normaize and casually use the swear words and derogatory phrases, if i return to watching those videos.

6) imbalanced fantasy- i feel porn is sexual fantasy, and that it doesn't really touch on reality. but the more i watch it, the more i feel i accept pornography as a reality rather than a fantasy. seeing porn as a reality is definitely not good for me, because then i start to behave more sexually towards real-life women who (in reality) are not part of a sexual fantasy.

7) substitutes- i believe there is other media that can give me the same amount of satisfaction, happiness, relief, and self-sufficiency; without all or most of the damaging cons of watching porn. it's just a matter of finding those alternatives, which i've been streadily doing for about a year now.

well i was searching for some fresh resources. found some videos of dances on youtube. made me feel a bit uncomfortable at first. but honestly, it's a lot safer than porn for me.

i've been hesitant with videos with opposite sexes. ive been looking at photos of only females. ive been listening to music sung by only female singers. i've been very cautious about media with opposite sexes as i felt such media would imply or bring about misleading fantastic thoughts that did not align with my non-romantic singlehood reality. like a video of a man and woman singing together would mislead me into thinking i, too, can sing with a woman. but i have no interest in singing, nor do i feel women have any interest in hearing my singing. lol . . .

but i feel i'd be holding myself back if i kept avoiding every video of opposite sexes. i mean, when i watch porn, i can get fantastically tempted to hire a prostitute, which is illegal where i live. but when i'm watching a video of a dancer, it's fine to be tempted to hire a dancer because it's legal. same as a video of watching a woman get a tattoo on her thigh: the situation is very realstic and plausible. it aligns with my reality and doesn't give me fantastic misleading thoughts.

these are professional videos: there's no fantastic emotions or scenes that would make me think explicit non-realistic thougts, i feel. the women are partaking in real legal activities that i can replicate legally, if i wanted to.

but prostitution is something not quite in my legal reach, unless i go across the states to Nevada. and prostitution isn't worth that travel. so i'd rather just keep away from porn for now. the people in Nevada are lucky, eh? lol . . .

well i've been keeping to myself, for a while now. whenever i feel anxious, i try to look at photos of models or listen to music. i try to help myself, which is a phrase i hadn't understood until recently. i try to get help through self-sufficient means like non-human resources, rather than trying to communicate with live poeple. i don't try to approach women online or offline, which isn't currently a bad thing i suppose, because i save myself from getting ousted from communities, eh? let's see how long i can keep this up. i hope i can keep this up for a long time. i'm in a lot of good communities now and i've made a lot of good buds. i don't want to get ousted from them because of my libido.

i just came back from a walk. i went to the bodega and saw the woman cashier again.

i don't like shopping there because of her. she makes me feel weird. the shop music doesn't help. it's not like a grocery store where everything's more professional. she's like on her phone or whatever, and makes the echanges longer than they need to be. i wish the old man was the cashier, or the other dude. meh. i don't shop there often though, so i shouldn't worry about it.

i mean, when i go to a grocery store, i see different people so there's less of a chance of thinking of foring a frienship or something. but when i go to the bodega and see the same person, many times, it's like i can hear something in my head that's telling me to make friends with that person. blah. i just have to not shop there too much.

and no, i'd rather not be her friend because it would be awkward. i have a sexual personality that, i feel, women don't like; even on a friendly level.

heck, i don't even have male friends outside of the internet. lol. so why would i even think of having a female friend? i think my sexual personality makes me feel that i can make local female friends more easily than local male friends, which I feel is a false assumption. in fact, i have more online male friends than online female friends. i don't even have online female friends because of my sexual personality. but that's okay, because i like making friends with people who accept me for who i am.

i just need to be more careful. i should try to stock up on every bodega visit, so that i won't have to keep visiting that place. i only go to the bodega when my groceries run out and it's too late or inconvenient to go to the grocery store.

i just like the grocery store so much though, as i can just go in and go out without ever looking at the cashier women. it's so professional and convenient. i can even have my headphones on the entire time. lol. and with such expedient exchanges at the grocery store, i don't ever have to think about friendship or other stuff irrelevant to the purpose i went shopping for.

i feel like Johnny Bravo sometimes

i should be content with the things i have. i have a good friendship with my buds, a personal collection of enticing media, access to the internet, my imagination, and a security of believing in God. those things can provide me happiness and relief. i don't need to be in a sexual encounter or relationship. there are many alternatives that can lead to my satisfaction and happiness. i can even close my eyes right now and envision someone loving me.

if anything, i should strive to enhance the things i have, rather than reach for the things i don't. i should strengthen the potency and diversity of my personal collection. i should meet more cool dudes. i should stregthen my imagination even through meditation. i should read more about the ways in which God provides for men.

today i almost got into a sexual conversation with someone. luckily, i think i was just seen as overly polite. luckily i read the community rules before engaging with people in that community. i make a habit of reading the rules, every time i visit with the intent to communicate. this knowledge helps me understand the reality of my sitution with respect to the environment, and makes me think before i speak.

but yes, i almost got into a sexual conversation. not like it would've gone anywhere anyway, as the woman probably would've probably cut me off, left, or reported the interaction to some authority. so i dodged a bullet and saved myself yet again today. thank goodness.

but even after saving myself, i try to analyse the reason why i acted in such a way. it's been a day or two, since i've talked to any woman. i feel something triggered me to try to talk to her. i feel it was the review of my past works. i create works. been doing so for a long time, even during my porn months. one of the greatest reasons why i stopped watching porn is because i felt my porn addiction was inspiring me to pervert my works, though i never got around to proving that true or not.

i review my past works every day. and today, i was reviewing works that i had created during my porn months. i feel that those past works might've triggered me into fantastic thinking, and persuaded me to try to talk to a woman in hopes for a sexual conversation.

so to resolve the issue, i'm thinking of only reviewing my past works up till the beginning of this year. all my works that i've created, before this year, is probably not safe for me to review.

had an urge tonight again. wasn't as strong as my last one though, which is good. instead of reaching out to someone, i managed to relieve myself with a yoga video on youtube. better than porn, on more than just an ethic and legal level. yoga women are the best.

well i did something stupid today.

and after the misadventure, i think i found my reality. i feel that there are two types of women, those who accept me and those who dont accept me. and whenever i engage with a woman, i expect her to accept me. that's the fantasy: i believe that every woman, i engage with, is an accepting woman.

but the reality is that not every woman is accepting. and after a failed engagement with those unaccepting women, there are laws that can destroy me.

i've been to many communities, talked to the wrong woman, and been ousted.

i've lost good buds that i won't be able to communicate with, because of the ousting.

it's a gamble, when trying to engage a woman, because i don't know if she's an accepting or unaccepting woman.

and if she's an unaccepting woman, societal consequences are dire and can lead to my destruction.

so I should not risk it. i should not try to engage with women because there is a chance i can engage with the wrong woman and then get destroyed.

even watching porn is better than trying to engage with a woman, because watching porn can not directly lead to my destruction as quickly as engaging with the wrong woman.

i have to be careful. i have to be smart. i have to be strong with resistance. i need to remind myself of the societal consequences that can lead to my destruction.

it's all a game to everyone. it's all a game, but i'm not going to play that game. i'm going to be smart and stay safe and keep away from engaging. i'm going to be smart and strong and self-sufficient.

i will find resources that will give me great self-relief and self-happiness, at the same level as porn, but without the damaging cons of porn. i'm going to remind myself of the societal consequences of talking with the wrong woman that could lead to my destruction. i might do both of those things daily. in fact, it mght be smart to at least remind myself of the societal consequences on a daily basis, so that i understand the severity of the situation and the game that i shouldn't play.