story of an idiot

I'm happy i'm not partaking in any one-sided activities or hobbies of gratification. It's a good feeling to partake in activities or environments where I know I'm not hurting others.

my thoughts tend to come and go, even randomly. but my actions are like physical manifestations of thoughts that affect my environment. so I have to probably be more cautious with my actions than my thoughts. the thought of pleasing a lady can come and go into my mind, but my act of sending weird pms to ladies on dating websites can be a manifestation of that thought, and could have consequences in that evironment or community. sometimes, its probably best for me to let thoughts come and go, rather than act on those thoughts. maybe i do actions though that increase the frequency in which sexual thoughts come into my brain. in fact, i feel porn was like that: it made my mind think a lot.

they say women are discouraged from being sexual, and thats probably why they don't like sexual stuff.

women are a mystery to me, so i really don't know much about them. i do know some women dont like sexual stuff because they were victim to sex crimes, got unexpectedly pregnant, or got STDs. but to say that women dont like sexual stuff becuase society discourages them . . .

i mean, why would society do that? and if so, then doesnt society generally discourages sexual stuff?

in fact, i remember being censored and ousted from communities many times, for being sexual. so if society were discouraging people from being sexual, it's definitely not just women being discouraged but rather a general discouragement.

and honestly, my sexual urge is stll strong regardless of the communities that ousted me. no amount of ousting can deter my nature, im thinking. but then again, i have a strong libido. and some say men have a stronger sexual urge than women have, in general.

today i took a walk and jog to calm some sexual urges.

i usually don't calm myself that way, but rather just look at photos of fashion models or listen to songs. but today, i met up with family and i ate a lot of food. a lot of junk food and fast food that i've not eaten in months.that amount of calorie and energy was too much, i think, and it was making me a bit too anxious. it was to a point where i was considerng pming random women on dating websites, which is something i haven't done in more than a month.

since the possible cause of the anxiety was more related to my diet and energy, i decided that a more physical and active method would be best to calm. and so the walking and jogging actually worked.

this more active method is less convenient than my other methods of calming, so i don't know if i'd use it mroe often. but it was an interesting solution today, nonetheless.

I havent pmed any women on any dating website since february 16th! whenever i have the urge to, i remember this mantra:

"i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to avoid; and some either go mute or block me; whereas i'm rarely censored for observing media, much less my own imagination.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to avoid; and some prefer correspondence with other men rather than me; whereas I don't compete with men while observing media or my own imagination.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to self-sex, and some were not born female; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman can birth children.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to prefer, and some prefer PMs from women rather than men; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman prefers potency.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to prefer, and some prefer PMs from nobody; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman is not asexual.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i'm illegal on Allpoetry; whereas an imaginary woman likes poetry.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i'm illegal on Christianforums; whereas an imaginary woman is merciful.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i'm illegal on Reddit; whereas an imagining woman won't disapprove.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i'm illegal on OkCupid and more communities; whereas my imagining mind is not illegal.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i've lost my job; whereas my imagining mind can't afford my job.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to gynecology; and some are having periods; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman isn't having a period.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to gynecology; and some are having pregnancy symptoms; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman isn't having any pregnancy symptom.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to avoid; and some have been sexually harassed; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman trusts.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to mate; and some have boyfriends; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman can be a loving girlfriend.

i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to mate; and some are married; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman can be a loving wife."

i pity any fool who hopes to defile a lady. it takes a lack of education, to be motivated to do so.

defiling a lady can bring about vengeance, like any other social crime. I've heard stories of male blood-relatives who hunted and destroyed the criminals, regardless of the law or the mercy of the victim. moreso, if the lady is pregnant, her baby could be destroyed as part of the vengeance and the criminal would be responsible for the death of an innocent baby. even if no abortion is sought, the lady can die during childbirth. and the criminal would be responsible for her death. yet even if the criminal has no care for moral or religion, the male blood-relatives could be swift to carry out justice with their own hands. vengeance and wrath are strong forces.

defiling a lady can give diseases to a man. probably moreso than other crimes like manslaughter, clean premeditated murder, or non-intimate assault. defiling can involve very close contact, and even intake, of unknown and possibly infected body fluids. with disease like HIV/AIDS, premature death can come unto the suspect, who then becomes a victim of his own crime. Again, it takes education to understand the severity of those diseases and such; and i'm thankful ive been taught that in school. in some instances, defiling a lady can be worse than most other crimes, including murder, because both the suspect and the victim can be severely injured or destroyed, even without social intervention.

or if the criminals motive is to get the lady pregnant, it should be known that some ladies cant get pregnant anyhow. some are barren while others have been born male and prefer to be seen as a female. even modern surgical technology makes it impossible for the human eye to distinguish between a cis woman and a transgender woman. this realization, too, requires some amount of education and awareness.

and so I truly pity any fool who hopes to defile a lady. the weight of the crime is one of the worst among many.

i like photos of fashion models, rather than porn, because they allow a lot of imagination and freedom without introducing sexuality or gender. the fashion model could be homosexual or transgendered, and I would probably never know. i wouldn't need to care either, so long as the photo shows exciting fashion. these photos are a very flexible way to calm my urges.

ivebeen hesitant to collect photos of artwork depicting women. unlike photos, art can be a fictional expression of a lady. the art can be drawn blemishless and perfect, and so more based on fantasy rather than reality. even the artwork can transform reality into fantasy for certain purposes, including to entice the audience. one of the reasons i quit porn, years ago, is because of fantasy mixed with its porn's strong business/soliciting aspects.

so i probably shouldn't indulge in art too much, as it can be blemishless and artifically perfect to entice or sexually arouse me. some art is not, but eh. i'd rather just look at photos of real life women, and so my mind would be able to study both the perfection and imperfection of my sexuality. i might even grow a natural dislike of my sexuality, through the collection of honest photography; rather than a false attraction built upon fantastic artwork.

These are two rules that will help men not sexually harass women, i think.

1) no sex talk

2) no touchng

i've come to this conclusion after reading a lot of articles about harassment.

my younger brother has a girlfriend. i have a few questions now:

why haven't I had a girlfriend yet?

I havent had a girlfriend yet because I've not been interested in one. Google says that a girlfriend is "a regular female companion with whom a person has a romantic or sexual relationship."

I am not interested in having sex with women, knowing that most women, I know, have had scary or traumatizing sexual experiences.

romance is a feeling, for me. and when i daydream, I fill my mind with amazing romance. so I don't need romance from a girlfriend. I gain the feeling of romance from other things, even my own imagination and daydreams.

also, sometimes I mix romance with sex. and I don't want to be accidentally sexual near a lady, especially because most women I know have had bad or traumatizing sexual experiences. by not having a girlfriend, I avoid ever having to be romantic with a lady. and that means that there's no chance of my being accidentally sexual with her.

I don't need a girlfriend to meet my romantic wants. so far, my imagination and my daydreams allow me to feel amazing romance without endangering myself or others.

what would I do if I meet her?

I'll try my best to avoid her. I have a dangerous history with women. one time i flirted with my sister's roommate whereupon my sister kicked me out and I lived on the streets for a few weeks. It was a horrible experience. If I ever feel insecure around a lady, I will do my best to avoid her; as avoidance is better than living on the streets.

if my brother urges me to meet her, i will tell him about my history with women so that he understands why I wish to avoid them. I want to make sure that I'm safe.