story of an idiot
yep. did another dumb thing today. i hate trying to talk to people, only to get ignored or blocked. happens in every community, even okcupid. but recently instead of being blocked or ignored, i've been getting ousted from communities. it's very scary and not fun anymore.
i think i need to focus on my imagination. i need to understand the difference between reality anf fantasy through knowledge. i need to find resources that will grow my imagination so that i'm relying less on people for happiness and relief.
i stopped watching porn about a year ago. mybe returning back to porn would help me? but there are many reasons why i don't want to return, including the fact that i was still making the same stupid mistakes during my porn years.
i need knowledge though. i need to find resources that will grow my imagination and that will help me find self-sufficiency, relief, and happiness; while at athe same time teaching me about my reality, which is different than my distinct fantasies.
i feel like that my love for romance is more dangerous than my love for math. but honestly, i feel they can both be unhealthy for me.
ive been a fan of romance for a long time. but it can be such a dangerous thing. in some societies, romane is forbidden, even between same-sex couples. other times, romance is not appropriate in certain settings, like in the workplace or other professional settings. so being a fan of romance can be detrimental in those areas. if I were born gay, i don't think i'd be as fond of romance as I am today. and then there's also the thin line between romance and sex, which has also gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past.
where I live, education and math is a bit common and taught. I grew up learning math and went to college learning more of it. but even if it seems like math is more socially accepted, its been dangerous for me as well. math has given me confidence in gambling, as well as made me pretentious. it made me see things through numbers and statistics, rather than through emotion or feeling. and some situations can't be accessed through numbers. there are even terms like "nerd" and "geek" used nowadays to attack mathematicians.
the only difference between my passion for romance and math is superficial social accceptance. math might seem more socially accepted, which makes it more dangerous because i can cause harm to myself or others without much social warnings or signs. but i know that both things can be dangerous for me to pursue, if i were to make money with either.
regardless of what i do, to make money, i won't have any shame. surviving on this earth is not too easy. and as an adult, my survival is assumed to be solely my responsibility. a man's got to do what he needs, to get food on his own table and a roof over his own head.