story of an idiot

Chef John Besh, what happened bro?

dude was a Marine. why would a Marine sexually abuse women? i thought grils naturally like army men . . .

and the dude was married and even had kids.

well at least he stepped down and apologized, unlike the others who belittled or lied about their inappropriate sexual actins.

again like the others, this dude expressed his sexuality in a professional atmosphere. sexuality and professionalism aren't a good mix. men like us have to keep sexuality in other exclusive areas than our professsional lives. he also sexually abused multiple women, which is also not good.

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well anyhow, i looked up some photos of victoria's secret. was cool. ended up finding relief from a video of a mother breastfeeding her baby.

i was thining of the sex incidents and i think i found something interesting.

1) i feel that most of the accused are men who went out of their ways to get to the women. they even had a premeditated plan on how to get those women alone.

this is a bit funny, because i always felt that it was men who usually were suppose to take the initiative and chase girls. but in this case, i feel that that might've been a sterotype of men and how men are suppose to behave. instead of predatory being cute, i'm realizing that it's a pattern seen in some sexual predators that women don't find cute.

2) these man were in a position of power. they used that power to coerce sexual relationships, to intimidate, and to threaten women.

again, i thought that woman liked poweful men. i thought that was an attractive quality. but i feel that was probably a stereotypical character of being an attractive men.

i feel these stereotypes are things I learned from porn. it's been a year since i watched porn, and i think i'm finally seeing a truth and understanding my reality from my fantasy.

having a sexual personality shouldn't be a label to be punished.

i am a sexual man. i feel i shouldn't be attacked or discouraged for simply being who i am. my sexual identity and personality might be or is my true nature. it's not fair to target people simply because of things they have no control over. it's like hating someone for being born a woman. it's something we have no control over. i might have been born with a very strong active libido with no way to sedate it.

communities have the right to cut off sexual men. but how can they do it?

community rule: no sexual men allowed.

how can you identify a sexual man? if i look at a man, how can i tell if he's a sexual man or not (unless the man admits himself that he's a sexual man himself?)

suppose a sexual man is allowed into a community, but there are certain rules that do not allow him to express his sexuality, (for example, community rule: don't post pictures of women wearing bikinis.)

a sexual man will simply find another way to express his sexuality or his sexual personality. it would be fair for a community to observe that and to allow it because he found a way to express himself within the confines of the community's rules. it would also be fair if the community observed that and then decided to add a new community rule to restrict his re-expression, and publicly announce that new rule to him and everyone, so then he would have to find yet another way to express his sexuality or his sexual nature.

it would not be fair if he was punished for expressing his sexuality, if he did so within the confines of the community rules. he followed the rules, and just because he found a way to express himself to the community's scorn, it would not be fair to punish him if he did so within the confines of the rules.

that community would be a bad and contradictory community. and if such a community exist, then it's better and fairer for that community to bluntly say "community rule: no sexual men (or men with sexual personalities) allowed."

i think that's why i struggle in communities sometimes. i don't know the rules and so i break them and get in trouble. that's why education is so important. i need to educate myself on the rules in my communities, so that i can make better decisions.

but meh, that's only the beginning. the world isn't perfect. but that's the best i can do, for now, as well as making sure i comunicate with people whom i trust.

yep, i did another dumb thing today.

so now i'm going to try to self-relief on a systematic basis and see if anything changes. i'm going to try to self-relief at least once a day. i'm going to use non-human resources like photos, music, and youtube videos to help me self-relief on that basis.

this won't be easy, but i feel it's a step forward. i'm a bit scared about my existence and my safety. so i hope this works. in the meantime, i will plan other steps to make sure i can safely self-relief, should in case I make another mistake after today.

instead of noting my failures only, i should note my victories too. so today i self-reliefed through a photo of a woman. didn't embarass myself or endanger myself. as i said before, i feel a lot of communities don't like me much. so i got to take care of myself, even if it means dooing so outside of communities. it's a responsibility that's proving to be more and more important for me. maybe not important for other people, but definitely for me i believe

i logged into Plenty Of Fish and almost messaged a woman, but i stopped myself.

recently, i've been finding it hard to find relief. i've been trying to talk to women for relief. but i'm finding that women usually don't talk to me. if i message a woman, she likely won't respond. so i end up wasting time talking to women who might not like me or might report me for harassing.

and more worrisome is some women seem to respond in a hurtful or disrespectful fashion. if i'm trying to talk to a woman for relief, and that woman responds in a way such that i feel disrespected or hurt, then i'm achieving the opposite of what i was aiming for. such responses cripple me and waste more time on my schedule with recovery. there were even times when i had nobody to talk to about such incidents and i felt somewhat self-destructive.

it's a scary and horrible experience and feeling, and i don't want to feel that feeling anymore. i know i can find relief and happiness in other ways. i don't need to talk to women for relief, if it sometimes doesn't produce anything or ends with me feeling very very sad and self-destructive.

well i've been reading sexual news from twitter: news about sex crimes in my city. i feel that, as a sexual man, i have to educate myself with the ways men like me behave in communities, so that i keep myself safe.

one story was about a 18 year-old girl who was arrested by 2 random cops and supposedly raped in their cop car. she was arrested after marijuana was found in a car she was in with 2 men who were her friends.

they even found DNA strands of both cops in or on her body. so clearly there was sex involved. the question was whether she was raped or whether she exchanged sex for a free pass from jail.

even as the cops first met her, she was adjusting her bra and the cops asked her if she was hiding marijuana in her bra. after she said no, the cops told her to prove it and so she took off her bra.

i'm seeing a pattern of powerful men being able to commit these crimes on women. for example, if some random man (who wasn't a cop) told her to remove her bra because he thought she was hiding marijuana in it, she'd laugh at that man and probably just drive away. heck, her two friends would've probably beat that dude up. lol.

but the cops had power. so when those cops told her to "prove it," she complied.

the stupid thing is that they found marijuana in the car anyways, so they didn't have to tell her to "prove it." but then again, they probably told her to "prove it" because she had company. a drug search can quickly get bad when there are multiple possible suspects in the same place and time.

but the bottom line is that there was DNA strands of body fluids in or on her body. that means the chance of a sexual encounter was quite high. in fact, i personally believe there was sexual encounter, regardless of there was consent or not.

and regardless of whetehr there was consent or not, olice officiers shouldn't be having sex with suspects. its not a smart thing to do.

i've noticed a pattern in the reports i've been reading: power is indefinite. a man does not now the power of his victim, in my city. a man using his powers in an illegal manner, to have a sexual encounter with a girl, can find himself being charged for rape. and sometimes it's a matter if time. that girl might not report the incident immediately, but she can do so after a few years. sometime's it's a matter of who the victim is. for example, the girl could've been the daughter or wife of another very powerful man or organization. and such powerful girls can have resources to quickly supplant a man who uses power in an illegal manner for sexual purposes.

every community should have set rules that can guide men into determining how they can not conduct themselves sexually. it is up to sexual men to either abide or not abide by sexual community rules. powerful men can choose to not abide by sexual rules, but they put themselves at legal risk in the hands of victims, and so those men are sacrificing their power by not abiding.

a smart sexual man would find a way to express himself while abiding by the laws or community rules. in this case, he would be able to keep his power.

but this is all a simplification after reading fourteen or so articles of men committing sexual crimes. nonetheless, it's the best hypotheses that i can create, to give myself a sense of security in communities.

it's been a while since i communicated with women privately in communities. i've been mostly keeping communications public, because i feel women communicate much more formally and politely in a public setting.

i talk to women for relief. but i feel that such a method for relief is a bit inconsistent, lengthy, and dangerous for my health. in fact, talking to a woman can bring about the opposite of relief and could cripple me. i also have certain insecurities around women online as well. in fact, i was taking to a person as if he or she was a woman, one time on the internet. and after a few conversations, the dude finally told me he was a man. talking to a man, who played as a woman, made me feel the oppositeof relief and i even felt regret.

and talking to women can get me ousted from whole communities.

it would be nice if, one day, i can talk to a woman online and actaully get relief from such a talk. but as of now, talking to women, for relief, has proven to be a bit inconsistent, lengthy, and dangerous.

for the time being, i feel i should focus more on finding relief from media like photos, music, youtube videos, and etc.

but for the record, if i do wish to find relief with talking with women, i will need to consider a few things:

1) sexuality- a compliment can come across as offensive or strange, if a woman is not into guys. unless there's a way for me to identify lesbians and women of other sexualities, i wouldn't feel relief talking to women

2) gender identity- even if a woman likes our conversation, i won't feel relief if that woman is a male-to-female. i'm usually find more relif talking with women who can give birth or who can produce milk. my inability, to identify such women, makes conversations uncomfortable sometimes.

3) rejection or disrepsect- or at least the feeling of rejection or disrespect. i can usually cope with it, but it's the opposite of relief and makes conversations inconsistent and vain sometimes. the longer it takes to find relief or receive correspondence, the more i feel a sense of rejection or disrespect that's discomforting

4) societal ousting- there are some communities where i can be ousted for simply talking to women. getting ousted from a community is a horrible and hurtful experience. the best way to try to prevent oustings is to abide by the community rules. but even then, i can still be osuted from informally communities. this is one of the strongest factors discouraging me from talking to women for relief.

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there are other factors too, but i feel those four are the main factors. if i plan on talking to women for relief, i have to consider those four factors and ask myself: "is it worth talking to women for relief? and would I actually or realistically get that relief?"

instead of talking to women for relief, i look at photos and youtube videos. i listen to music. i can also use my imagination to give myself relief.

i feel like adding another media for relief: erotic or romantic poems from past poetesses.

i've thought of doing this before but one reason, why i haven't, is because i felt it would be quite similar to watching porn. but i shouldn't make assumptions and i would rather be the judge of that. another reason is that i felt i might get tempted to talk to a poetess; but since the poetesses are dead, i can't talk to them.

but basically, i feel that i need to explore more ways of relief. i can't box myself in, trap myself, or fool myself into thinking that communicating with women is the only way to get relief.