story of an idiot

since i engage in sexual stuff daily, i feel i should educate myself on local sexual matters on a daily basis too. i used to read a sexual crime article daily, but that got a bit overwhelming. so i started reading 7 articles each saturday instead.

this reading gets a bit overwhelming too, though. it's not overwhelming time-wise, but rather i get very anxious, fearful, and insecure after reading the articles. and that's okay, because i only read them on saturdays and the articles are suppose to make me think twice before engaging in anything sexual. but still, i feel that 7 articles impact me too much, even because the degrees of crime involved.

so instead of reading 7 articles, i'm going to read a number of articles depending on the degrees of crime involved.

1) articles about general sexual harassment that's not centered on someone might require 1 recovery day. i feel those articles are general and light conversations.

2) articles about sexual crimes centered on a specific suspect might require 2 recovery days. these articles impact me more because i sometimes feel like i can relate to the suspect or that i'm the suspect.

3) articles about serious crimes, like rape, might require 3 recovery days. rape is too sexual for me to read and i might normalize it if i read it too frequently.

so in a week, i can read 2 articles about rape and 1 article about general harassment. or i can read 7 articles on general harassment. or i can read 3 articles on criminal sexual activity and 1 article on general harassment. or etc. i'll do all the weekly readings on saturdays

sometimes i feel like everyone targets me because of my identity. but meh. i won't let those people affect me.

sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me. :)

the guys at MGTOW also don't hut me ither. tehy are understanding and accepting. i'm grateful for them. i'm also grateful for the good times i had with my buds and the laughs my buds and I shared in various communities.

i don't think i can ever find myself angry or sad at people who hate, target, disresepct, or label me. heck, i don't even caare if whole communities hate me. at least my buds love me. :)

i cherish every good moment and laugh with my buds. no matter where i go, i will always have buds who are understanding, cool, and don't judge me. i feel like \the happiest man on earth sometimes.

i stopped watching porn, last year november. i mean, i still absorb other more socially acceptable and uncensorable media and videos. but meh, i prefer those videos over porn that can get me computer viruses, advertisements telling me that girls like a big sausage, misogyny, amorality, criminal prostitution, and etc. i simply can't afford to watch porn. lol ;/

i used to play army video games so much that i even tried to join the army once. only thing that stopped me from joining the army was that the army recruit didn't contact me in time. in the same sense, if i watch too much porn, i'd get tempted to try to hire a prostitute, which is illegal where i live. i'd need to go to Las Vegas. lol. a while back, i was even considering doing some scary stuff, just to trick any woman into being in a private room with me. when i look back at those days, i laugh a bit but at the same time i shiver.

porn just isn't for me anymore.

"These stories are true. At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn

there are two types of resources i use for relief: human and non-human resources. lately, i've been developing my non-human resources. but today, i think i found a new strategy to develop my human resources.

when i talk to a woman, i tend to be directly polite by describing her. that gave me relief, as long as she didn't seem to hurt me. in fact, i stopped PMing women in all communities, to lessen the chance of feeling hurt; and i now only talk to women in a public setting, when i want relief from them.

being directly polite has been faulty though. it required me to accidentally make assumptions about them, which they could rebuke or be angered by. not only that, but in the new public setting, i'm noting my old strategy gives too much attention to a single women and narrows down my chances of finding relief with other women in the public setting. unlike PMs to a single woman, a public setting can have multiple women interacting simultaneously and so the chance of getting relief increases.

not only that, but in some of my communities, flirting is strictly not allowed. being directly polite can come across as flirting or disrespectful though, and sometimes i do accidentally flirt because of the personal nature of my strategy. i don't want to get ousted from a community for flirting.

but i found a new strategy that can help.

it's been a long time that i used human resources effectively for relief. so i doubt this new strategy would mean anything. i've been getting most of my relief from non-human resources anyways. but it is good to have some variety in the ways i get relief, especially when i unconsciously tend to go for human resources regardless. this new strategy does better a few issues, like avoiding communal ousting and a sense of rejection. but it still won't change the sexuality of women nor change their gender identity.

something unpleasant happened today, when testing my new strategy. i will talk about it later. i can't talk about it now because it would interfere with my artistic mindset and i want to produce art for the sake of the good women created by God.

i'm happy that i do dedicate time on my schedule for relief (with both human and non-human resources.) i chose human resources today, and did not get relief. but since i dedicate time to my schedule for attempting to find relief, i did not waste any time. so i feel good i didn't waste any time talking to women today.

later today when i'm less busy, i will use non-human resources to relieve myself. i relieve myself daily and dedicate time for relief because i'm engaged in romantic art and so it's been unhealthy for me to dismiss or bottle-up my need for relief.

i'm going to try to follow a rule of thumb when trying to get relief. if i feel like i need relief, but i'm in the middle of writing, then i should refrain from getting relief from human resources or communicating with women. rather, i should focus on getting relief from non-human resources like photos, videos, and music of women. this is because writing becomes more difficult, after trying for human resources for relief, or after failing to get relief from conversing with women. it's not an issue of time, but rather an apparent issue of their discrimination of my culture and religion to a point of personal demotivation and fear.

after i'm done with daily writings i can freely engage as much time as possible to playing around with human resources. but when i'm writing, i have to be careful and just go for non-human resources. getting relief from human resources seems to be too damaging for me anyways. i really don't know why i try to communicate with women.

today i was communicating with some people and someone mentioned "meditation."

with respect to self-relief, it gave me an idea. usually when i try to relieve myself, i look at photos, music, videos of women. sometimes i even try to talk to women for relief, (but miserably fail.) yet, i haven't been using meditation or my imagination.

i feel meditation is important for self-relief, even because i've mostly only been using media for self-relief due to the fact that talking to women for relief is still a challenge for me.

i want to try to use meditation on every other day. today i relieved myself with meditation or imagination, without media or communications. tomorrow, i will use media and communications. but then the day after that, i will relieve myself with only my thoughts (via meditation or imagination.) and etc etc.

a lot of unexpected things happened today. i still somwhow managed to self-relieve in the privacy of a bathroom, but i couldn't use any media. had to use my imagination. and while i was using my imagination, i strengthened almost every muscle of my body and made myself into a tall statue.

i felt it was natural to become strong. but i feared becoming dominant. i don't want to feed any idea of rape fantasy, because i feel that i would mimic such an idea in real-life; even though i've never had sex before. rape fantasy is an easy snare for a good man to commit sexual misconduct or assault. and i'm no idiot when it comes to playing with that kind of fire.