story of an idiot

today i was meditating and i self-relieved with a scene of doing something disrespectful to an imaginary woman.

it's hard to distinguish disrespectful conduct, as i've not had a girlfriend before.

but i feel that disrespectful conduct was definitely things that i've seen from my past years of porn. now that i've stopped watching porn a year ago, i feel i should know how to be respectful to a woman:

anything that i would want a woman doing to me, would be a guiding action as to respectful conduct.

instead of making that assumption though, i could try to survey cis women, but i doubt women would give information about respectful conduct. in fact, i'm pretty sure most women aren't into physical intimacy as much as men, and so wouldn't really understand my request anyhow. pretty sure requesting the information would also be risky or illegal anyways. and as long as i wish to keep myself out of jail, women can stay a mystery. lol.

i can wikipedia though, i guess. meh, it feels vain though. but if i have a sexual mind, i should probably consider doing some research into sexual matters, i guess. and careful research linked to concrete biology and special cases, not vague assumptions.

i don't know. i just feel i need some sexual knowledge. maybe that was one reason why i used to watch porn: to educate myself on sexual conduct. and i feel i'm at a stage in my life where i can educate myself on sexual matters without porn.

i was considering PMing random women tonight on a dating website, but i didn't. a bunch of people talked me out of it, thank goodness.

i know PMing random women never goes well with me. people usually don't respond to my PMs. sometimes they seem to make fun of the way i communicate, and it sometimes feels like an attack on my religion or culture. sometimes they block and report me, and I can get ousted from communities for being reported or blocked too much. it's a scary thing, and makes the idea of PMing women a bit vain.

so instead of doing that; i decided to look at through my collection of photos, listen to some foreign songs, and watch youtube videos of women feeding.

wikipedia says "sexual misconduct encompasses a range of behavior used to obtain sexual gratification against another

to be more exact, i should sort articles in terms of days of recovery. reading about sexual crimes can make me feel insecure and scared sometimes. so i'm careful when reading them and allow myself some days to recover before reading more of them.

1-day: general sex crimes and statistics, or general sexual misconduct and harrasment excluding physical contact. no specific suspect.

2 days: specific crimes centered on a specific suspect. sexual misconduct or harassment of less severe physical contact

3 days: specific rape, assault, abuse committed by a specific suspect. sexual misconduct of more severe physical contact.

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/19/arts/television/jeffrey-tambor-transparent.html?emc=rss&partner=rss&utm_campaign=crowdfire&utm_content=crowdfire&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter#932338282112978945-tw#1511302954564

'

well, dating website adventure was strange again. for the sake of having a PM conversation with a woman today, i pretended to be a criminal.

even though the conversation might've been good for her, i didn't like that feeling. i feel that females, who like men, specifically don't like me for who i am; even though i am a male.

i don't know why i'm saying this like it's new. in fact, beforehand, i told myself i had a natural unattractiveness and a notorious nature.

i want to stop PMing women. when i need relief, i have more options than just to PM women. i should go for those other options. PMing women isn't safe for me and can get me in trouble. i can even get ousted from dating websites for it, especially if i did what i had done today.

media is safer. i don't have to pretend to be someone i'm not. and there's no chance of being ousted from communities.

black women remind me of my mom. and thats okay, but then i can't use photos or youtube videos of black women for relief, because of that. really limits the type of women i find relief in, which is unfortunate and makes my photo and music colection quite limited and narrow.

to fix this, i'm thinking of adding at least one photo, youtube video, or song of black women in my media collection. in this way, i can appreciate and find relief in black women media without feeling awkward.

well i ahd to lie again to get into a PM conversation with a woman. making me hate these dating websites.

i have to lie or pretend to be someone i'm not, just to get a woman to talk to me.

i don't know why i've been having such an urge to PM women anyhow. i was doing quite fine until thanksgiving came. a lot of noise and a lot of food. a lot of stress and a lot of energy from calories. maybe this sudden urge is temporary until thanksgiving ends. i hope it is.

in any case, i'm going to stop reading the articles twice a week, as the articles aren't dissuading me from PMing women. im still going to read te articles once a week.

instead of reading more artcies, i'm going to self-relieve twice, rather than once. i feel that the stress and the energy is encouraging me to find relief more often than i normally do. but it's up to me to relieve myself in a safe fashion, and to normalize my self-relieving into a routine fashion. so for now, i'm going to self-relieve twice a day on the weekends and holidays, but self-relieve only once on weekdays. maybe by January, i might wean off the self-relieving and return back to once daily. but for now, i think it's imperative that i self-relieve twice daily on weekends and holidays.

well i did some art tonight. was probably a bad idea because i sought relief soon after. my art has that kind-of effect on me.

whenever i need relief, i usually have 3 options: imagination, media, or women.

lately, for some reason, i keep going for the women option. i feel it's because i promote it through my artwork.

maybe if i promote the other two options (imaginaton and media,) i might be more tempted to go for those two options, when i need relief.

demoting the women option might not be an easy option for me, as my artwork promotes it regardless. so promoting the other two options might be my best bet.

one way i can lightly promote media and imagination is by somewhat centering the media and imagination around other non-relief media that i interact with. for instance, i'm watching videos of Fial Fantasy 9, so I can image search things like "swordswoman costume" or "pincess." whenever i watch Final Fantasy 9, i would remember the images of swordswomen and princesses and be more tempted to go for that media for relief, (rather than try to PM women.) the promotion is very natural and requires almost no effort but to center my relief media around my casual media.

but one thing i'm avoiding (for now anyways) is non-photographic artwork. i feel that, even though non-photographic artwork can be assumed as fiction, I find myself connecting it with reality on many occasions. so getting media, that's more balanced towards photographic media, would present a good amount of non-fiction for me.

perhaps later on, i might be willing to accept non-photographic artwork media under the assumption that Google Images SafeSearch filters out certain subgroups within that type of media. i should do some research into the matter. I feel that artwork is an area of media with great potential for relief, especially since most of my casual media is dated or fictional.