story of an idiot

i have an unconscious habit of promoting dudes who get girls. it seems like an innocent habit, but inevitably, i feel it's promoting the idea that i can get relief from women. i don't want to promot that idea. i would rather want to get relief through media or my imagination, and so i should be promoting those two other options instead. i need to stop unconsciously promoting dudes who get girls, or at least find ways to honestly demote my unconscious promotions.

today, i got bullied for my hobby of exploring media and my imagination. i got angry. it's sad that there exist people who would bully men and discourage them from finding relief in a healthy harmless hobby. those types of people, who prey on other men like that, are monsters that have nothing better to do; i think.

but i did not PM any woman on a dating website and get blocked, as that would've been twofold worst than today's bullying. A fold because i could've gotten ousted for communicating with women on that dating website. Another fold because i would've let the discouraging bullies misguide me into not pursuing a healthy harmless hobby, but rather pursuing more endangering harmful hobbies instead.

i don't care how much i was bullied today for my hobby: I would've been feeling twofold worse if i had been misguided by the bullies. I probably would've hurt myself, had i abandoned my healthy productive hobby that the bullies mocked.

i'm thinking of removing all photos of girls into a seperate folder within my photo collection. the word "girl" maks me feel insecure, like i'm looking at women who aren't legal age. that definitely wasn't my intent, when using that keyword to find photos. my understanding of "girls" was "young legal-aged women." for example, when you think of "college girls," you're thinking of "young legal-aged college women," right? can an under-aged girl even attend college? meh.

i might dedicate a folder to the keyword "celebrity." my sexuality is very peculiar, and so i can't easy be comfortable with photos of random women as much as photos of females. but i'm pretty sure most popular woman celebrities are females. i dont think i've heard of a popular transwoman celebrity; yet then again, i really don't know much about hollywood. but it would be easy to get information about the gender identity of any popular celebrity.

had a strong urge to PM women on websites again today. luckily i didn't though.

i feel the unusually strong urge was fom reading the articles about sex crimes. made me feel bad about women and want to "white-knight," as some of my buds call it. but i'm definitely not a good white knight. lol

but it's good i have a theory as to why i had such a strong urge today. usually i have no theory and i assume my urge was unusually strong solely because i've been around women too much on a day, which is somewhat of a lame and vain assumption because i can't really easily do much about it. i'm always in communities with a majority of women, i guess, so it's really a lame excuse. i rarely talk to women anyways, regardless of how many women are around.

i'm thinking of changning my desktop wallpaper to show photos of women, even as a way to promote my use of media and imagination rather than my talking to women for relief.

sundays are days when i do alot of reading and stuff. and so i get quite anxious on those days of the week.

had a strong urge today, but i didn't PM any woman on dating websites. the last time I PMed a woman was on November 26th, about 14 days ago! i can't believe it! i don't think i've went that long without PMing a woman before!

so i went for some photos and music instead. photos and music don't call me a creep. photos and music don't attack my religion, culture, or race. photos and music don't censor me. photos and music don't hurt me or make me hurt myself.

anyhow, i was looking for chile female singers on youtube. was a bit hard, so i looked for "traditional chile songs." i feel nowdays there probably arent much chile female singers; and so i went into the past, to find one.

:0

I feel my urge to PM women on dating websites might be a manifestation of my desire to share the experience of my hobby/personality. in fact, i bet if i had a few cool buds to talk about my hobby/personality with, i probably would be able to redirect my urge of PMing women. finding such buds might be hard though. so for now, i just got to stick to photos and music.

but at least i somewhat know more about the causes of my urges. i feel good: they say "knowing is half the battle!"

sometimes the anxiety is centered around time. i suspend my writing, whenever i relieve myself. and sometimes, that can put me behind on my schedule. but i really shouldn't mind. relieving my self, and taking care of myself (and my health,) always comes before helping others with my words. how can i help others, if i haven't helped myself? can the blind lead the blind? will they not both fall into a pit?

so i should take my own health and anxiety more seriously, and not be afraid to tend to it. if i arrange my schedule and routine carefully enough, i can almost always find a way to tend to my needs, as well as fulfill all my daily objectives.

i also need to focus on promoting media and imagination rather than demoting women, when it comes to relief. demoting women doesn't work because i constantly promote them through my writing and so it's a vain struggle.

"Ultimately though, approaching a stranger simply because you like the way they look is objectification, so it does make sense that many women have become fed up with it, no matter how the person making the approach intends to come across. I know it's just how things have always been done, but surely humanity is now smart enough as a species to do better than just go treating each other like pieces of meat in perpetuity?

That said, it seems (because I don't personally engage with this stuff anymore, and most of my few friends are either in long term relationships, or - like me - simply don't 'date', so I'm relying on media articles here) to me that, for many women, online dating is now the only acceptable way for them to be approached, and that doesn't really sit well with me either. It just feels too artificial and contrived - very reductive and dehumanised - and it brings relationships far too close to the realm of consumerism for my personal tastes."

boys will be boys. can't change the way some men are. some women even take advantage of those men who treat others as meat, and get those men in jail. luckily, i'm smart enough to somewhat just avoid women altogether, i guess. i just wish those men were able to forsee their jail sell and make smarter decisions for their own sakes.

i used to use online dating websites. it's hard to tell if someone is human or not, on those websites. and yeah, the fact that those websites want money . . . makes love seem monetary there. maybe girls like guys with money; but i don't have money, so whatever. i don't need them. if being with a girl means a chance of getting ousted from a society for misinterpreted sexual misconduct, or means changing myself into someone i'm not, then that girl is definitely not worth me.

then there's my preference. i probably wouldn't be a virgin or single if I liked women who were females. i like females. or i like people who can bring forth children. not all women can do that though, because they were born as males. some were also born female but infertile. i can't even identify the type of woman i prefer without getting to know the woman first. and so my search for the right woman takes longer than another man's search who likes transwomen.

music and photos help me meet my needs. i have 5 senses, and music and photos fulfill 2 to 3 of those 5 senses. music meet the needs of my ears, even female singers. there are some songs where women literally sound like they are having a absolutely awesome time. there are some signers with very good notes, or other singers that have a very distinquished voice or tone. i collect songs from all around the world via youtube, songs from Africa, Russia, Egypt, Iceland, France, Germany- all of the music is great and truly meets my auditory needs.

the photos are equally pleasing and meet my visual needs. there are public photos of women on the beach, with tattoos, at the gym, wearing skirts, mothers, maternity women, women wearing fishnet, corsets, college women, and etc. all of these photos are public and can be found with a SafeSearch on Google or Yahoo. at some point, the photography becomes an amazing art. from angles, colors, and dimensions, certain photos have an amazing effect on the senses, and can even evoke a sense of touch, taste and feel.

youtube videos are fitting too. motion pictures can allow an even more stronger sense of touch. a video is like a series of a thousand photos and pictures. there are many videos, from fashion women modeling dresses to women feeding babies. they are easily accessible on youtube and are not censored.

a man can even use his own imagination to meet his needs. he can draw up a story or scenario in his head, and it will always be to his liking. it will always work out beautifully. he will never get rejected. he will never get ousted by a community. he will never get sent to prison. all he has to do is close his eyes and envision anything that will satisfy his soul.

directly focusing on meeting the needs of my other 3 senses (touch, taste, and feel) is not easy. i can't think of any feasible legal way to meet those other 3 sense without direct human contact. maybe down the line, i can find ways of meeting those other 3 senses, but for now, im doing more than well without them.

there is also the emotional needs, but i feel that those are sometimes exaggerated and women are not the source of emotional satisfaction. in fact, women are not, and have no obligation (and usually no interest,) to be emotionally satisfying or supportive. and sometimes having such expectation can lead a man into hurting himself or others, especially if the man is like me.