story of an idiot

"I should have specified that I view online dating as uncomfortably consumerist not just in the literal sense of those websites being paid services, but also in that they encourage the application of a consumerist mentality to finding a partner; you get a picture - sometimes several - to give an idea of what's on offer, a list of features... it's like buying a new fucking TV from Argos, or a laptop from PC World!"- anonymous

true. some people don't play that game though. they have only one photo and have their profile blank. though the features are there to help filter through people who might not be a good match, i guess. i mean, in the past, a dude would probably go into a party room and talk to women and get rejected like 50 times before he found someone who was similar to him. noting key features is a way to help save him time and find his special someone in a quicker fashion, eh?

one time i got shadowbanned on OkCupid. it started when i noticed i was no longer being offered to pay for a membership. not like i was going to pay for one anyways, but to no longer have the option was strange. then i realized that I was not getting any replies to my private messages. i usually get at least one reply a day, but i was getting absolutely nothing. I updated my profile, uploaded better photos. still wasnt getting any replies. then i did a check to see if i was even showing in the search results, and it turns out i wasn't showing in those search results.

it was the most vain and horrifying ban experience ever. basically, they make me think that i'm not banned, but in actuality i was not being shown in women's search results and my private messages weren't going through to them. the entire time i was shadowbanned, i was wasting my time!

and that's what it all is: when i decided to have my needs directly dependent on a community or women, i was risking being ousted from that community and wasting my time. imagine being ousted simply for communicating with women. that's horrific and sad. and if that's the case, then no. i don't need to communicate with women to fulfill my needs. i can meet my needs in another fashion.

photos, music, and youtube videos meet my needs well. i cant get banned from looking at beautiful photos of women. i can't be ousted from listening to beautiful female singers singing. i can't be blocked by a youtube video of an amazing lady performing yoga. even through my imagination, i can enjoy the thought of love without feeling insecure or endangered.

well i PMed a woman on some website today, 12/16/17. man, i was doing so good with my no-PM streak. but i'm improving. last time, it was about 1 week, and now this time, i haven't PMed any woman for 20 days!

i sent like 1 PM to the woman, and then i just left because i knew the conversation was just going to end badly. im happy the conversation didn't develop or even had much of a chance to start. by leaving the conversation early, i saved my day and didn't hurt myself. i don't like dating websites.

but the image of some photo also helped me wake from the PM conversation. i really feel that photos and songs have a lot of potential to keep me from PMing women. I relieve myself through women, media, and imagination; but women is not the safest option and i try to avoid it. i've been trying to avoid it by demoting women, but that doesn't work because i promote them through my daily writings and so mental conflicts would arise. but recently, i've figured that if i can't demote women, then maybe i should simply promote media and imagination. that way, when i feel a need for relief, i will likely be more willing to go for media and imagination than go for women.

another thing is that i can probably make an imagination journal. like a collection of daily scenes within my imagination, fashioned such that the use of my imagination is promoted.

i've been thinking of looking into art, rather than photography. i've had this idea of matching my photo collection with themes within my causal media, but those themes are not so common in photos. and artwork would give my collection more variety. the thing is that artwork feels more artificial than photos, and so i feel that i would need to trust the intent of the artist; else the artwork would seem no different than pornography. one way, i've been thinking of identifying non-pornographic intent, is by gathering art from official artists. for example, I would gather Final Fantasy 4 character artworks from official artists that drew their artwork on official guidebooks and official game covers.

one thing i feel i should also consider is re-reading this journal. i've made observations, theories, plans in this journal that i did not carry all of them out. perhaps if i had carried some of them out, i wouldn't have relapsed today. writing is one way for me to remember certain things, sometimes. but important observations, theories, and plans are vain if i don't remember them in a timely fashion. so i should try reading this entire journal, perhaps on a weekly basis, so that i remember what i've learned and planned.

i had a very strong urge today, and i wanted to PM women on dating websites; but i didn't.

i felt like i had the urge because i didn't have any chance to relieve myself yesterday. i usually relieve myself at least once, daily. but mom made it impossible to do so, yesterday, and so things built up and strengthened my urge, i think.

i only want to PM women if I personally fail, and not because external forces have derailed my routines.

because whether urges arise from external forces or whether urges arise from my personal failures, PMing random women on websites can get me ousted from communities. in fact, i've been banned from OkCupid.

but if i ever decide to PM women, i want it to be on my own terms, and not becuase of external forces. i don't want to PM women because my mom messed up my plans yesterday. but rather, i want to PM women if I've made a personal mistake within my plans. i don't want to get ousted from communities because of things that nobody could control: that would not be fair.

im also thinking of reading my previous post in this thread, after posting. it's a step towards remembering and analyzing my progress and plans.

well i made a mistake again. back to day 1.

when i try to relieve myself, i go for 3 options: women, media, or imagination. since i spend 2 hours daily writing about women, i feel i tend to go for the women option. the writing acts like a promotion that makes me favor that option.

i feel i should then send more time with the other 2 options (media and imagination.) since i don't think i can dedicate any time on my schedule for those two options, i will set weekly or daily goals instead. the goals will force me to spend some more time with media and imagination. i don't think i could ever spend 2 hours daily on media and imagination, but i feel that, simply spending just a tad bit more time with those 2 options, will convince and motivate me to opt for them rather than women, when i need to relieve myself.

"stop saying yo. then maybe you will get laid"- random woman

i was communicating with some bud, and that random woman shared that with me. i wasn't even talking about sex.

1. she assumed i have some interest in sex. i do not have an interest in sex. i've been a virgin since birth.

2. she's implying that i should trade my culture for sex. but i have no interest in sex, so why would i? and even if i wanted sex, i would not trade my culture for sex.

there are other countless reasons why her statement was extremely disrespectful. random women like her is a reason why i don't communicate with women much anymore.

some men say that im fated to feel the pain of being dumped by a girlfriend. i've not had a girlfriend before. but if random women say to me, "stop saying yo. then maybe you will get laid;" then i don't think i'll want to know what that girlfriend would say to me. i don't think i'd want that girlfriend.

ive been hurt by these women long before i've ever had a girlfriend and long before ive ever had sex.

made a mistake again today. back to Day 1.

some woman attacked me, so i decided to attack other women. wasn't smart. i got to be the beter man and just ignore attackers. at the least, i should not take it out on other women via PMs on dating websites and etc.

well today i got attacked again. i dont know why i got attacked. maybe it's my race, gender, or culture?

but anyhow, whenever i get attacked, i have a strong urge to PM women on websites. but i didn't! i've been banned from OkCupid and other websites for PMing women. i wasn't going to let an attack push me into doing more stupid stuff and getting me ousted from other communities like PlentyOfFish or Twitter.

I kept my cool. i thought of a plan to prevent any more future attacks. the idea is that i study my environment, identify potential attackers, and avoid them BEFORE i interact in the environment. ive noticed a pattern that most of my attackers are from a certain group, and so im being vry strict and cutthroat around that certain group. im not listening to anyone who's in that group, as well as not talking to anyone who's in that group. i'm exercising a completely social censor of that group until i can think of another plan.

but yeah, i didn't PM any women on dating websites today! i kept my cool and put the plan in effect. the plan worked and i was able to relieve myself without endangering myself, other people, or women.

read articles about sexual harassment this saturday, as usual. 2 articles on rape and abuse, and 1 on general harassment.

the rape one was disgusting. some grown Brooklyn man lured a 15 year-old woman to a basement apartment, assualted her and took her cellphone and jewelry. i was never much into laws involving minors, but now im seeing the importance of those laws. she was a child, for goodness sakes. even i could've lured her into a basement apartment, that's just a very low and shameful thing to do. and then to assault her and take her stuff. i'm speechless.

the second article was about some doctor abusing his child patients. i didn't know the laws against child pornography were so strict, but he's facing jail time for it. i did some research and it's definitely a serious offense to produce or directly aid in the production or transoprtation or distribution of child pornography. the crime revolves around the means in which the pornography is created: basically through the sexual explotation of children. and from that lense, i can see why child pornography is not cool. luckily i don't consume or associate with any type of pornography anymore, and so i feel a lot more safer knowing that i quit watching that stuff.
the third article was a light discussion about talking about harassment. nothing really much applied to me, as i don't really talk about harassment much in the workplace, but something did catch my attention:

''I just wont be alone with women any more. Its too dangerous.' Quarantining women isnt going to work, and it doesnt protect them. In fact, it hurts their career prospects. You might try saying, 'I can see why youd say that. I dont think thats a practical solution though.' Weeks says that there are lots of ways to convey respect and warmth that dont involve touching someone, especially without their permission.'

i can't really blame those dudes who choose to isolate themselves from female coworkers. i mean, they don't go to work to protect female coworkers or to ensure those women's careers. im pretty sure they go to work simply to make money and go home: at least i would. but if anything, the employer needs to be more responsible about sexual harassment talks and crimes in the workplace.

well i still haven't PMed any woman on dating websites. looks like im on a solid streak again. amybe i can even beat my 20-day no-PM streak!

anyways, today my aunt came over. i had the weirdest urge to get her a chair, take off her boots, and hug her . . .

but luckily i didn't do that. pretty sure it wuld've been weird. i'm already not very happy with the holiday noise and stuff. the last thing i want to add on my list is being branded a creep by my own family.

but yeah, i couldn't really stay in my room because my aunt kept nagging me to eat breakfast, even when i wasn't even hungry. Felt very awkward. i was thinking of a thousand ways to harass her, but i deflected all the urges to commit anything incriminating. every method i thought of was linked with an article that i read about harassment and i rememberd the consequences. so i was able to stop myself from doing anything stupid. th whole thing was making me anxious, so i looked at some photos to calm myself down.

but yeah, very anxious week so far. most anxious i've been in a while. and im handling it well. haven't PMed any woman in a few days. haven't went too close to any woman relative that has visited home. i'm very proud of the way i've taken my sexual health seriously, and my progress in managing it.

i still havent PMed any woman on dating websites yet. i might beat my 20-day streak!

anyways, i went for photos instead. sometimes i feel that the women in the photos are definitely worth attention, and so it's only proper to give them their due strong attention.

something interesting though is that when i imagine with the photo, i dont use all the information as inefficiently as i should sometimes. for instance, if i hug a lady from behind, a photo that views her from the back would help me visualize that hug. but a photo of her from the front would make it hard for me to visually imagine myself hugging her from the back. that's because the photo isn't showing her backside; and so i have no idea how her backside look and I would have to imagine harder. however, if i hug her from the front, the photo works with me and i can use the frontal details from the photo to my imaginary advantage.

maybe this is also why i can't imagine things too well when looking at photos of non-smiling women. because when looking at the photo, my imagination has to imagine her smiling. but since the photo is of a lady who's frowning, the photo wouldn't be able to give me details of her smiling. in fact, the photo would be wokring against me because it's giving me details of her frowning.

but anyhow, whenever i imagine myself with a lady in a photo, i have to imagine an angle where i'm using the most of the phtotos details. if the photo is of a lady's backside, then imagining myself kissing her wouldn't be smart else i'd have to imagine how her face looks. if a photo is of a woman's face only, then it would be best for me to imagine kissing her cheek until she blushes rather than to imagine hugging her because the photo is not showing her body but rather is showing her head. i need to utilize the details of photos more efficiently, in my imagination.