story of an idiot
yep. did another dumb thing today. i hate trying to talk to people, only to get ignored or blocked. happens in every community, even okcupid. but recently instead of being blocked or ignored, i've been getting ousted from communities. it's very scary and not fun anymore.
i think i need to focus on my imagination. i need to understand the difference between reality anf fantasy through knowledge. i need to find resources that will grow my imagination so that i'm relying less on people for happiness and relief.
i stopped watching porn about a year ago. mybe returning back to porn would help me? but there are many reasons why i don't want to return, including the fact that i was still making the same stupid mistakes during my porn years.
i need knowledge though. i need to find resources that will grow my imagination and that will help me find self-sufficiency, relief, and happiness; while at athe same time teaching me about my reality, which is different than my distinct fantasies.
sometimes i feel that the photos are pornography, but they aren't. each photo i gather is from a filtered SafeSearch on yahoo. unlike prnography, the photos were not taken to solely entice men. unlike pronography, the photos aren't of naked ladies. unlike pornography, there's no man touching the ladies in my photos. in fact, i prefer photos of a single woman portrait rather than a photo of a man and a woman kissing.
i made a post on October 15th, (it's on the first page of this thread,) about why i don't like porn and what i feel defines porn. now since i reviewed it, i definitely feel that photos of women in beauiful dresses is not pornography to me. just because some man finds sexual satisfaction from looking at beatiful women walking the streets outside of his window, doesn't mean that those women are pornography (which would be a disrespectful and objectifying statement against those innocent women.) that just means that the man likes women a lot.
"1) computer viruses- i bought a new computer. i don't want it to suffer like my other devices that have been used for watching porn.
2) live crime- prostitution is illegal where i am, and porn is a form of prostitution where people sell sex (videos) for money. so by watching the videos, i'm supporting prostitution and also watching live prostitution. i don't think watching live crime is healthy for me, even because it might normalize prostition or inspire me to hire prostitutes.
3) moral- a lot of hidden cam porn videos seem to be recorded without women's consent. i respect women, to some degree, so porn videos are somtimes morally disturbing to watch or think about. even makes me feel guilty sometimes.
4) addiction- i was not just a typical porn user. i was a porn addict. i used to watch a lot of porn when i was a child. if i found a way to moderate porn consumption, i wouldn't have an issue with porn. but i have a high libido, most of the time, so i doubt it's possible to moderate my consumption.
5) discrimination- i don't like porn videos even because of their titles. some porn videos have ethnic, racist, or misogynistic titles. i don't watch porn for that, but i feel it slowly sinking into my mind. i feel i might start to normaize and casually use the swear words and derogatory phrases, if i return to watching those videos.
6) imbalanced fantasy- i feel porn is sexual fantasy, and that it doesn't really touch on reality. but the more i watch it, the more i feel i accept pornography as a reality rather than a fantasy. seeing porn as a reality is definitely not good for me, because then i start to behave more sexually towards real-life women who (in reality) are not part of a sexual fantasy.
7) substitutes- i believe there is other media that can give me the same amount of satisfaction, happiness, relief, and self-sufficiency; without all or most of the damaging cons of watching porn. it's just a matter of finding those alternatives, which i've been streadily doing for about a year now."
"(Abby Ellis, a former Vice journalist, said that in 2013 Mr. Mojica, the former head of Vice News, tried to kiss her against her will. She said that she yelled at him and hit him with an umbrella multiple times. She said that she faced other unwanted advances from Mr. Mojica after the incident.
Ms. Ellis said that after the episode she felt that their relationship soured and that she was missing out on newsroom opportunities, so she reported it to Ms. Ashbrooke. Ms. Ashbrooke responded by telling Ms. Ellis that because she was an attractive woman she would face similar behavior throughout her career. Ms. Ellis discussed the episode with several co-workers at the time, which The Times confirmed.
i think i know why porn wasn't helping me meet my sexual needs as much as i had wanted it too. the reason why i felt porn wasnt meeting my needs is because i was still PMing women on dating websites (and quite nastily too) while watching porn.
i feel that i tend to want a safe social environment to express my sexuality. in fact, i think i quit porn because i wanted to express my sexuality in a more socially acceptable way. the reason why i feel sexual expression isn't quite socially accepted (where i live) is because prostitution isnt legal. but maybe i'm just being narrow-sighted; i'm pretty sure there are more forms of expressions i've not explored yet; outside of sexual writing, sexting, photos, songs, youtube videos, media, and etc. i think i just need to explore more.
well a lot has been happening.
i'm trying to communicate with women for a total of 20 hours. this is because i feel that i would enjoy life more if i could handle my interaction with 50% of the world rather than censoring it. i'm still not going to use women to meet my sexual needs; (as i rather use photos, songs, youtube videos, or my imagination,) but i do want to be able to enjoy the casual company of women as if they were friends, or to at least be able to handle interactions with them, because some do talk to me. the world can be very boring and imprisoning when a man tries to avoid 50% of it.
also, i'm realizing that, for me, sex is a Want but not a Need. i can live without sex. unlike food, i won't starve to death if i didnt have sex. if i was on a deserted island, i would be able to live without sex. if i was on an island of lesbians, i would be able to live without sex.
society provides food banks, homeless shelters, clothing, hospitals- but there is nothing called a sex bank near me. i dont think my society identifies sex as a need. in fact, prostitution is illegal. if anything, society would work against a man who would want to have sex.
also, when i was a child, i did not have a lust for sex. in fact, i'm still a virgin. so for me, sex is not a Need. if anything, sex would be a Want.
also, i've realized that when i use the bathroom and urinate, i end to calm down a bit. so whenever i feel sexually overwhelmed, using a bathroom might help me control my sexual urges for a bit.
another thing is that i'm considering petting stray cats.
one last thing, i've been looking at photos of beautiful professional women like hostesses. when i imagine those photos, it's hard to imagine myself with those women. but instead of imagining myself, i realized i can imagine a cooler, taller, stronger black man with them. i need not imagine myself with the women, especially if it's more challening to imagine. is i have to, i can even imagine that cooler man being their husband. sometimes i feel it's easier to imagine a lady advancing on a man, if he is her husband. but any case, when imagining beautiful professional women, it's better for me to imagine the lady wanting the encounter more than the man; as advancing on a professional lady makes me think of sexual harassment.
before i continue this post, i just want to remember that i'm proud of myself for quitting porn more than a year ago, (about November 2016.) I feel my struggle today is somewhat of a result from my previous experience with watching porn. and even if i return to watching porn, i would still be proud and happy that i've abstained from watching porn for more than a year. just from mere accomplishment and self-accomplishemnt, achieving this is phenominal for me; back when i was watching porn, i never thought i would stop watching it. i feel like i've triumphed over an addiction.
as i said before i feel i need an affordable, safe, social environment while trying to meet my particular Want. (i've realized that my sexual gratification might not be a Need, but rather a Want.)
whenever i have an urge, i can either choose to satisfy my Want in isolation or to not satisfy my Want in isolation.
I feel like the ability to satisfy my Want in isolation is important, and that i should try developing and dedicating some time to learning and utilizing that ability. since I'm dealing with a Want, the urgency of satisfying that Want is not as severe as the urgency of meeting any Need. I feel society is more helpful when addressing Needs, rather than Wants. so I need to be more flexible with the ways I satisfy my Want, including not solely relying on society to accomadate or protect my pursuit of that Want. I think a good goal would be to satify my Want in isolation 50% of the time.
I also feel i should emphasize isolation a bit because I feel insecure in social environments. I feel preyed on and seen as a "creep" or "pervert." In fact, i've been labeled a "creep" and a "pervert" by some. for now, i'm being very cautious when interacting in affordable social environments while satisfying my Want.
In the past, i used to satisfy my Want in isolation with porn. but even while i was watching porn, i was still trying to sexually interact in social environments online and offline. So simply returning to porn would not be enough to ensure that I will have an affordable, safe social environment while satisfying my Want.
The rest of this post is a bit off-topic, as i don't strongly try to interact with women to satisfy my Want.
they say that men, who are overly sexual, tend to behave so becuase of 2 reasons: they hope to gain a stronger ego from a lady or a sense of dominance through humiliation. I feel that i can compare myself to those men, but at the same time i no longer try to interact with women to meet my sexual Want. although i agree that i need a social environment, I feel that such an environment doesnt necessarily have to have women within it.
Yet still, outside of the context of preying on women, I will admit that I feel I aim for a boost of ego through publicizing sexual expression with other buds. but i feel this is only because I feel insecure about my sexuality and my inability to safely express my sexuality. this might be because there are some rules or regulations about public sexual expression, both online and in real life, and so i feel there's no affordable, safe, social environment while trying to meet my particular Want.
Also outside the context of preying on women, I will admit that i do wish to uphold a sense of dominance sometimes. but this is becasue i feel that women like dominant men. I think pornography as made that beleif quite strong within my mind, and it's a belief that i need to abandon. i do not believe men need to be dominant in sex. and if men are to be dominant, it need not be found on or fed by the humiliation of women. I prefer the idea of a strong man, over the image of a dominant man.
but again, i don't interact with people much, especially women, when trying to satisfy my Want. i feel i can satisfy my Want by talking with buds or even just by talking to myself in a social environment. and i feel i have the right to strive to meet my Want, in an affordable, safe social environment; as long as i'm abiding by that environment's rules.
@redCanine3669 you are not an idiot i feel this may have helped me :) thank you
@soniatel
you're welcome
PMed a woman today (1/15) and got blocked. i hate dating websites. im going to try to meditate on this, on a daily basis. i want to get to the bottom of this. i want to at least beat my 20-day no-PM streak. i'm feeling very insecure and scared right now.
well my last PM has been on 1/18. it's been about 2 weeks since i PMed any woman on dating websites, or even any website. 14 days!
for my own protection, if i want to PM women, i should require myself to learn about boundaries and women. this is somethng i might do, since i tend to PM women regardless of my will to abstain. but one time, i havent PMed women for 20 days straight, so maybe i can truly abstain from PMing them. anotehr thing is that every woman is different, so there's no one way to learn about women and boundaries. every lady has her own set of boundaries and etc. if anything, it'll probably be more efficient to find a lady who has convenient boundaries, which isnt too easy for me to find. and again, its not easy to exercise conversations with ladies because i've been ousted from communities for doing so.
i was on my twitter and i realized that my tweets werent being published as well as i had thought. i think i've been shadow-banned on twitter. lol.
communities can censor and oust me; but they can't censor my experiences, moments of gratification, personality, nor style. no matter what happens, there are certain things communities can never do to me.
i think i realize what it means to love myself, to appreciate my identity and personality even when communities don't.
I think i'm attracted to ideas of women more than attracted to women themselves. i don't think there's much wrong with that. in fact, being attracted to women directly can get me lusting over actual women, which isnt the best thing for me. i feel safer observing media of women, rather than observing actual women, as i can't accidentally get into a social encounter with media nor socially endanger myself with media.
i do like the idea of being in a social environment, while satisfying my Want. perhaps this is becuase sex usually reqires two persons. but honestly, it's pobably because i feel a bit lonely with my hobby of collecting photos and songs. it's an instinct of mine to try to join social environments where i can share the joy of my hobby with others.
oh, and virgins prove that sex is not a Need. if sex was a Need, then we'd be hering "death due to lack of sex." lol. my very own virginity proves that sex isnt a Need, as well as the virignity of men who are older than me or who have lived before me.
@redCanine3669 just wanted to say I am proud of you for the amount of effort into identifying your addiction and working at recovery you have done so far. Way to go brother! I also wanted to commend you on learning to respect boundaries of other people and understanding the basics of want vs need. That is a huge step that many people struggle with. Know that you have indeed made great progress and that you are setting a good example for others in that regard. My most heartfelt congratulations and best wishes to you on your journey. I believe in you.
@XercinVex
thanks. you give me more credit than i deserve. i don't exercise a respect of boundaries as much as i just exercise following communities rules and a fear of being more than friends with women. women are cool friends, but anything more is a bit awkward for me. i read this mantra everyday:
"i shouldn't PM random women on dating websites because women have the right to avoid; and some either go mute or block me; whereas i'm rarely censored for observing media, much less my own imagination.
i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to avoid; and some prefer correspondence with other men rather than me; whereas I don't compete with men while observing media or my own imagination.
i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to report; and i'm illegal in OkCupid, Allpoetry, Christianforums, Reddit, and more communities; whereas my imagining mind is not illegal.
i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to self-sex, and some were not born female; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman can birth children.
i shouldn't PM random women because women have the right to prefer, and some prefer PMs from women rather than men; whereas, in my mind, an imaginary woman prefers my masculinity."
@redCanine3669 I'd be interested to hear why you think you don't deserve credit where credit is given. A good tip for self care is to learn to take a compliment at face value. I am a little disappointed to hear that you don't exercise a respect of boundaries as much as you just exercise following communities rules because community rules are just a bare minimum of decency which are usually reserved for setting specific taboos to be stated. Knowing how to actually interact with other humans on a social level doesn't come with a posted "community guidelines" at the doorway to every room it comes from trial and error and learning from your mistakes.
Women can be cool friends because they can be cool people in general, but anything more will always a bit awkward for you so long as you see sex as the end goal of any possible interactions with them. Maybe start switching up the mantra:
"i can PM random women on dating websites who like me back because that is how the sites work and women have the right to avoid being messaged before they have given consent to do so; If i don't then some either go mute or block me; whereas I'm rarely censored for observing media, much less my own imagination because that is a fictional construct and is in no way an accurate representaition of reality.
I definetly could PM random women who have liked me back on dating sites knowing full well some prefer correspondence with other men rather than me but have also chosen to show interest in me by liking my profile; whereas I don't compete with men while observing media or my own imagination because it is a fictional construct and is in no way an accurate representaition of reality.
i shouldn't PM random women anything inappropriate or offensive because women have the right to report it; and I'm illegal in OkCupid, Allpoetry, Christianforums, Reddit, and more communities and should probably evaluate my behavior and determine why; whereas my imagining mind is not illegal because it is a fictional construct and is in no way an accurate representaition of reality.
I definetly could PM random women who have liked me back on dating sites where my propfile states clearly my views on having children someday and the importance that my partner can birth children, but I am also aware that I should say things in a polite manner without using slurs or crude language because although many women are capable of having children that is not their sole purpose in life as they are each a wonderful individual and deserve my respect as an equal.
I definetly could PM random women who have liked me back on dating sites where my propfile states that I am masculine of mind and body that women have the right to prefer and if they liked me then obviously they prefer that, so the fact that some prefer PMs from women rather than men has absolutely no effect on me because they would not even be liking my profile to begin with; and the fact that some women like other women has no effect on my masculinity because they do not like my profile and those that like my profile are interested in me not them."
@XercinVex
lol yeah, it's good that you have a good relationship wth women. I, on the other hand, am okay with just being friends with them. women, just like any other human being, are good friends. Imagine being more than a friend with a bud. it would be awkward, eh? that's pretty much how i see being more than a friend with a woman, i guess. my being more than a friend with a woman would be like my being more than a friend with a man: it would be strange and unnecessary for me.
in that case, boundaries don't make much sense either. i don't exercise boundaries with my buds, at least no concrete boundaries anyways. so why should i exercise boundaries with women? as long as i treat ladies like by buds, i should be fine. if a lady doesn't like my communicating with her as a bud or friend, then I would just not communicate with her for a while. i have the liberty to communicate with anyone as if they were my friend, and the liberty to not communicate with someone who makes me feel uncomfortable.
also, since i don't PM my buds, i really shouldn't be PMing women either. PMing a lady would be like PMing a bud: it would be strange and unnecessary for me.
@redCanine3669
Just being friends with them IS a good relationship with women. Women, just like any other human being, are good friends. I'm bisexual so your whole question of "Imagine being more than a friend with a bud. it would be awkward, eh?" would have my answer being a plain "No." Which is why I have no problem seeing and speaking to woman and men as equals and not just sex objects.
In any case, boundaries are univeral, as in just because you want or don't want to have sex with someone doesn't mean you treat them with any more or less respect. You do exercise boundaries with you buds, just like all boundaries you found them by trial and error and societal expectations. You should exercise boundaries with women the same the same anyway because that's how you show respect. If a lady or man doesn't like you communicating with them as a bud or friend, then you would just not communicate with them for a while why the hell does gender matter if they are yor friend. OBVIOUSLY you have the liberty to communicate with anyone as if they were your friend, and the liberty to not communicate with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable, that's not what we are talking about here. We are talking about how you talk to women that makes them uncomfortable around YOU.
"also, since i don't PM my buds, i really shouldn't be PMing women either. PMing a lady would be like PMing a bud: it would be strange and unnecessary for me." WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DEFINING AS PM? Does PM only mean "talking about sex" in your world? Because in everyone else's it means "Getting to know someone in a private chat room not a public one."
@XercinVex
yeah, i'm not PMing women. nice try, bud. but it's not happening. i have to right to PM or not PM anyone i want.
it's been 21 days since I PMed a lady on dating websites or any websites. that's a new record for me! it's nice to be free. it's nice to not have to worry about getting ousted from a community or being called a creep! i'm not letting anyone convince me otherwise by telling me to PM women against my own will.
It's a beautiful freedom, my friend. i wonder if you've felt it before.
@redCanine3669 buddy listen to me, I'm not trying to convince you to "PM" anyone espescially if it means talking to them in a disrespectful manner or about sex if they didn't consent to talk about that ahead of time. Your problem is that you make friends with your genitals as the priority instead of just having a basic friendship with other humans. Maybe if you stopped acting like a creep you wouldn't come off as one in general. I got into this thread to try and help you see women as humans and equals and not just something put on the planet to make you horny. But all you keep doing is trying to make it seem like you're the poor misunderstood one because you're unable to talk to half the population. It's because of how you see them and treat them, not because there is something offputting about you that you have no control over. You can totally control what you say to people and at this point I agree with you that it is a bad idea for you to talk to women. Especially if all you ever want to talk to them about is sex.
@XercinVex
"Your problem is that you make friends with your genitals as the priority instead of just having a basic friendship with other humans."
i don't think so. i definitely don't make buds with my genitals. the last thing i'd do is sleep with another man. i'm not gay.
@redCanine3669 then why are you complaining that women don't like it when you send them perverted and sexually objectifying messages? They are people too. It seriously sounds like you don't understand why women are reacting they way they are to what you say. Maybe it's because what you are saying is inapropriate and wrong and you need to learn to do better.
@XercinVex
"then why are you complaining that women don't like it when you send them perverted and sexually objectifying messages?"
i'm not complaining. there's nothing to complain about, because i'm not PMing them. lol.
i haven't PMed any woman on any website for 21 days straight, including on any dating website!
it's a great freedom, i'm experiencing now!
@redCanine3669 yeah but you've had the freedom NOT to message women and say creepy things this WHOLE time... that's just a fact. Nobody was EVER holding a gun to your head and demanding you say lewd things to women... That was you doing it of your own free will. It's not so much that you aren't doing it anymore, it's WHY you EVER thought it was a good idea to do what you did and I don't think you completely understand why what you were doing was wrong. And that's a big part of recovery is understanding why your actions were wrong.
@XercinVex
"It's not so much that you aren't doing it anymore, it's WHY you EVER thought it was a good idea to do what you did and I don't think you completely understand why what you were doing was wrong."
men make mistakes. i'd be darned if there was a man on earth who hasn't made a mistake in his life. i'm just happy i aint making that mistake anymore.
but it was only a mistake because it was not the type of thing i was comfortable with. sexting can be either good or bad, depending on the environment where it takes place. some communities support sexting, believe it or not. In some areas or communities, sexting is completely allowed and men who do it are encouraged.
the only reason why I consider sexting bad for me is because (1) I had a tendency to do it in the wrong environments and (2) it did not align with my identity and recreation. sexting is probably good for other people, and i've even seen women sext with men or each other, believe it or not. but sexting just personally isn't for me.
there are a lot of common reasons why I thought sexting might have been good for me; including childhood porn, a misleading alignment with my recreation, and even plain old curiostiy. have you heard of the story of Adam & Eve? having to examine all those common reasons, it's understandable why I felt sexting was good for me, for a few years. and even after realizing that sexting wasn't personally good for me, I still had to meditate as to whether it was bad for me or whether I could continue pursuing it in accepting communities that support sexting.
while studying photos of dressed ladies, i notice body language. sometimes they smile or wink, which gives me confidence. they wear very casual, nightly, or loose clothing; which also gives me confidence. sometimes they pose in very convenient ways that work with my imagination. settings work to my favor too, sometimes; like gardens, bedrooms, and etc.
then there are ladies in photos who are very beautiful and it becomes too intimidating to think about approaching them. there are also ladies who show reserved or shy body language, which makes me feel bad. there are ladies in profesional attire, which scare me a bit because of the sexual misconduct investigations happening in my country. there are ladies who look like my mom, and so i feel discomfort. and then there are ladies who look like males or undergone surgery, which also make me feel some discomfort.
for ladies who are to beautiful, i imagine them with a man who could be their equal or a man who's very strong, handsome, alluring, and can make them very happy. of course he's not me and i doubt i'd ever be him! but he's in my head: a very strong muscular black dude who can make any lady happy in very easy, slight, and sudden ways.
this man is also desired by the shy and reserved ladies of the photos. so when he approaches them, they don't resist him. in fact, some of them even approch him before he approaches them! sounds unreal, i know. but heck, it's my imagination: anything's possible! ;)
the ladies in professional attire especially approach him first. approaching a lady at work could lead to sexual misconduct, in real life. but in my head, the lady approaches instead because the dude is so cool. and in my head, when the activated lady gets close to that off-guard dude; he wouldn't report her sexual misconduct . . . ;)
if things get too challenging to imagine with a lady in a photo, i can imagine a backstory of a deeper relationship or a date where the lady eventually gives this man her consent.
it's hard to imagine approaching ladies who look like my mom, becuase i give them features of my mom. i usually only have this problem when looking at photos of dark-skinned ladies becuase my mom has dark skin. but not all dark skinned ladies look like my mom. some are quite young or have a different body. i doubt i can imagine more distinct character or personality though because i've been communicating only with my mom for the past few years. i mostly know women only through my mom.
women who look like males are challenging to imagine approaching. there's not much i can do about this but try to reinvorce the idea that the woman, in the photo, is indeed female. the idea of being a female is pregnancy, having periods, height, motherhood, or etc. when imagining the lady, i can try to imagine those female traits; but it's not easy.
