story of an idiot

When I see a woman, any woman, what I really see is strength. Not brute physical strength but inner strength of heart and mind. I see empathy, the ability to feel the pain of others. I see compassion, the will to heal the pain of others. I see warriors, who would fight to keep others from harm with less regard for their own safety because they know they are never truly safe. I see persistence, the drive that comes from being constantly underestimated. But most of all I see the sadness and rage at having their worth as humans reduced to their ability to make babies when they are capable of so much more. Yes some women can bare children, some cannot, and some choose not to. Their worth as humans and as women should not be defined by that. To reduce the ideal woman to just a pretty carrier for a womb is to forsake the majority of what makes any woman truly remarkable and worth getting to know.

i relapsed february 16th and PMed a female contact on some website. I hasn't PMed any lady for 28 days though! that was my longest streak yet! i'm proud of myself. \o/

i was a bit upset about the relapse, but i've bounced back. i dont have any urges to PM random women on dating websites or any website now.

i also worked on a solution to the incident that caused the relapse. I focused on what led up to the incident: my ability to contact the lady, knowledge of the lady, and misinterpretation of her interactions. after examining all those 3 factors, i concluded that I will be more strict with only ladies who i'm able to contact. I don't have to worry about women that don't give me contact information.

If I misinterpret their interactions as flirting, i'll assume they are transgendered and so will lose interest in privately talking with them. If I do learn that they are female, I will then assume that they are bisexual and again lose interest in privately talking with them. If I learn that they are not bisexual, then I will assume they have a boyfriend or husband and again lose interest in talking with them. if I learn that they are single, I will not talk with them at all until I feel safe enough to talk with them without misinterpreting their interactions.

I'm realizing that for some men, choosing an accepting or fit environment is more practical than acquiring self-control. a lot of men are being accused of sexual harassment in professional environments, but a solution could be to just act sexual in non-professional settings. my idea of a social environment is an environment created between a person and another person or a community. environments have uniwue rules, some allowing sexual conduct. in my local community, professional environments are definitely not an environment to act sexual within. even prostitution is illegal.

i think one way to avoid harassment is for me to treat women as I treat men. if I treat women as I treat men, then there's no grounds for observing differences and harassment can not be specifically classified as sexual. I wouldn't sexually harass a dude . . .

also, i've noticed that I have a habit of unconsciously promoting women. I relieve my anxiety in 3 ways though: media, my imagination, or interactions with women. when I promote women, either consciously or unconsciously, i find myself wanting to interact with them, which sometimes leads to my harassing them or my endangerment. so I need to be careful when i promote women, women rights and etc.

i should try my best to follow through with my time interval. in the past, the interval was 6 hours. i've lowered that interal to 4 hours, which is also acceptable. if i try for shorter intervals, i might get tempted to PM women. this is because every chance to calm myself is a chance that my temptations will win and I PM women on dating websites, and also because i feel i get bored of the way i calm myself and try to PM women due to lack of interest in media. by abiding by the interval system, i both get less chances to harass and less sense of boredom from media. i need to follow through with the interval system, even if it means sacrificing my free time when i have little self-control. this is because the consequences of PMing women can be quite dire and i can end up hurting myself or wasting a lot of time on my schedule; so in the long run, distracting myself with tasks is more productive, predictable, and safe (at least when i have spotaneous lack of self-control during free time.)

i like looking at a photo of an individual woman more than of multiple women. i prefer both photos over a photo of a woman with a man.

a photo of an individual woman is personal and common. it's aligns with a profession of modeling.

but i tend to misinterpret photos of woman with men. no matter how casual or seperate the two are, i would imply some attraction between the two individuals in the photo. and such an implied attraction isn't completely realistic because not all women are heterosexual. also, when i collect photos of a woman with a man, the man is usually doing something inappropriate or silly. i don't look at photos for crude inappropriateness or sillyness, else i'd just go back to watching porn instead. lol.

i was excited today becuase i havent pmed any lady for 35 days straight! i told someone and they mocked me, asing if i were an "xxx addict." thats like calling a lady a dog if she had the strength to fight the urge to date men. it was random and completely disrespectful. made me feel like my abstaining from pming woman was a bad thing.

but its okay becuase i know that even though im getting mocked and discouraged for abstaining from pming women on websites, i know that I got mocked and discouraged A LOT when i was pming women. they even went as far as ousted me from communities where I pmed women. so even if I get mocked and discouraged for NOT pming women, i know the mocking and discouragement would be worse if i were pming them.

"Congradulations for not sending disturbing PMs to women"

you're welcome, bud. it's a struggle to fight the urge to pm women on dating websites for the longest time. but i'm growing and understanding how to fight my urges and how to redirect my sexuality. instead of pming ladies, i just look at photos of celebrities or listen to some songs.

i dont know how long this abstinence streak will last, but I know i'm doing the right thing and on a good path. no matter what happens, i know i can't be incriminated because i can't be convicted for an interaction that never existed, as long as i continue walking this path of abstinence.

i'm winning. i'm proud of these small victories. it shows my power and ability to become indpendent, self-sufficient, smart, and safe. I don't have to fear getting ousted from communities anymore. \o/

i'm winning! i've become a man i never thought i could be. i stopped watching porn more than a year ago, and now i dont send pms to women for more than a month and counting!

i'm proud of myself. i dont care if people spit at me for my accomplishments. i'm proud of who i've become. no matter what people say or do to me, i can't be convicted for private interactions anymore. i'm free. i'm winning!

i realized that romance can be independent of woman. romance can be between two dudes or etc. this means a lot to me because I like reading and studying romance a lot. so realizing romance isnt always about women can really help me derail my romantic hobbies from the thought of women. and keeping my mind away from the thought of women can help me not promote women so much. promoting women tend to lead to me to trying to privately comunicate with them to relieve my urges on dating websites and etc, because I tend to relieve anxiety through three ways: women, media, or my imagination.

final fantasy feels like a flirt of a game sometimes. i havent noticed, but some people say it has certain camera shots that are sometimes around a lady's waist and etc. even the characters in the video game are dressed quite fantastic. i feel that game is kind of like my personality to some people.

my photo collection has gotten quite large, so i'm thinking of spending at most a week on each folder within my collection.

i might try to get my computer to play songs on its lock screen too.

i also should try to collect media that matches the current holidays and trends. like on valentine's day, I looked for photos of valentine lingerie women and etc. or during the olympics, i was watching videos of mature women olympians doing beam and etc.

if i feel sexual while communicating with a woman, i can interact with her as if she's my mother. in doing so, i would be less tempted to sexually interact with her. but generally, if i ever feel sexual or insecure while talking with a lady, i should simply just not talk to her, for both her and my own sake. i'm rarely in a situation where i MUST talk with a female, and i can always just talk with buds, men, or other females who don't make me feel insecure or sexual.

also, i'm thinking that maybe I lust after women because I feel like I can treat them like objects instead of like humans. maybe that thought came from the porn I've watched when I was young up until about two years ago. but i feel it might also be coming from other things like literature i read daily. sometimes i read old literature, and I get a sense of women being treated as objects in those archaic time periods. maybe it has something to do with sex or breeding, and so some men treated some women like a commodity. luckily I read modern articles on sexual harassment, which remind me that women are definitely not to be treated as objects nowadays! my mantra on my profile page also helps me understand a bit of my reality.