ASAP advice for my friend not me.
So I have this friend and she is really kind, generous, pretty, awesome and so many more qualities. But that's kind of the issue. She's too nice to properly confront another, because she fears that she will hurt that person. We'll call my friend "L" and the guy "W". So L has known W for only 3 days, L is a very kind person and likes making friends. She was happy that she made another of the opposite gender. W has also known L for 3 days. W kept talking to L and tried befriending L's other friends including me. L's friends and I knew something was up, but we didn't say a word ecxept C. C's a friend of L. C told l that W had a crush on L, but L laughed it off saying that she was speaking nonsence. This was all in the 2 days she knew W. On the third day was when problems started. The night of day 2, W asked L to be his girlfriend. Said that if he couldn't find a girl soon he would die. L told our friend and I about last night and we agreed that I would follow her everywhere to protect her from W. He asked last night when he could visit her and when she would be alone at her house. Tomorrow is going to be the 4th day and my friend and I really want her to confrot him and tell him to leave her alone, but we don't know how to. We think the earlier she confronts him the better, because this can turn into an obssession. She said that her was kicked out from his old school so we think that maybe he has done this before and the girl complained about him to the authorities, but this is a suspection. We aren't sure about it. Any type of advice is welcomed. Thanks.
I'm assuming all of you are very young? Boys asking to be a couple after just 3 days are only looking for one thing. I was 18 years old once. I used to use MySpace. Chat with a local guy that I thought was cute, talk or text him for a day or two, then invite him over when my mom left for work. (She was 2nd shift).Whatever happened when he came over, happened. I suggest you tell your friend to leave the guy alone. Find a real boyfriend who has goals, hobbies, interests!
@TransAm85 Thanks for relpying, but the thing is that we do leave him alone and try to ingore him. He's the one who doesn't want to leave her alone. She already told him that she doesn't want to be friends with him anymore. She's uncomfortable around him. Even asked the teacher to change the seating places so she doesn't have to sit next to him. Waited for her at her locker in the morning and left an apology letter, but didn't take the hint.
@HappyLily291125 Oh so he's a real creep? It may not be "cool" to tell the principal or teacher about another student (I remember back in the 90's/early 00's we never said anything about bullies or creeps b/c it wasn't cool! That person would get beat up or teased til graduation. Stupid! I wish I could go back to my school year '99-'03 and I would tattle on all the bullies and creeps!) If he keeps bothering your friend, you have to tell someone. Creeps like that sometimes have problems either mentally or something is going on at their home.
@TransAm85 Okay thanks Trans I'll tell her. If things get too far. Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it and I'm sure my friend will too.
@TransAm85 Also I'm sorry if something bad happened that day. I feel bad for you. I don't want anything terrible to happen to my close friend.
@HappyLily291125 No, guys like that are strange and need to talk to an authority. He may have some mental issues or some problems at home.
I have had to deal with a stalker, I have had friends who have dealt with emotionally manipulative guys. What W has done is emotional, manipulating abused. Generally we are encouraged to not give advice here. Some of what I am going to say is very clear cut about what should happen though - and I do this because this is a safety issue. I really see this as no different than telling someone to call 911 or something of that nature.
If L currently has no contact, she should not initiate it again. Even if she does, I think it is very questionable to speak to W again even to set clear boundaries. If she does do so an adult should be present. I think it it better for an adult to speak to W though - he is to have no contact with L. None. Any responsible adult should have no issue with seeing this.
L should tell every adult who has responsibility for her. Assuming her parents are not abusive, they should know. All of her teachers should know. ALL of the counsellors at the school should know (I had an issue where I was dragged out of class due to multiple counsellors and the new one who neither of us should have even been connected to was being manipulated). Counsellors can see that W also gets the help he needs. The principal should know. If L does extracurricular activities, the responsible adults at those should know in case W shows up there. L should not be responsible for telling all of these people, I would hope there could be a meeting with her, at least one adult from the school and her parents. If things do escalate beyond what has happened, it is not over reacting to get the police involved.
Hopefully L is willing to have all of these people know this. If she is not, you really should at least go to one consellor with this and they should be able to take appropriate action, at least for what can happen at school. Telling L's parents is also something for you to consider, but I do realize that can make for a very awkward situation for you. The school may very well be calling her parents anyway.
In my situation, it occured through 2 schools (ie. prior to high school and high school). What I experienced did not start off anywhere near as creepy but it escaled during highschool. My parents were already aware, but a teacher who saw what was going on called as she was concerned for my safety. She also encouraged me to set the counsellor straight on what was going on and offered to come in if what I said when it was just the 2 of us present didn't work. She encouraged me though that the new counsellor just needed to hear what had happened from my side when she wasn't working to console someone who was distressed.
My experience with people knowing was positive. I went to a huge school and I wasn't disliked but I wasn't best friends with the most popular people either. Many people spoke out when they saw stalking behaviour. I didn't have to make any contact to reassert boundaries, as other people did it for me and it prevented me from having to say anything to him. I really wish that a clear boundary had been set right at the beginning, but my friends and I didn't take the situation to be serious, being followed around at lunch and that type of thing.
To reiteraite - NO CONTACT from L to W. That is so so important.
If she gets a text or email from W she should show an adult. No response.
If he calls, she immediately passes the phone to an adult if present. If not, hang up, do not pass to a friend to speak to him. Keep record of the call, tell an adult when able.
She should not pass on a message or a note through a friend.
The only exception that should ever be made to this is if she needs to tell him to get away - loudly to get attention from anyone nearby. When attention is drawn she can then start yelling to those people - he is to have no contact with me, he is harassing me, help. Hopefully though there will be someone else there to do that so she doesn't have to have any communication.
I hope W does get help, this is really not healthy behaviour.
@AffyAvo Thanks for the advice Affy. I'll try and do what you reccomended. It's just that L has a really soft heart. She hates hurting people. She thinks that if she tells the adults about W, he'll get hurt and the situation might get worse. I'll try and convince her to at least tell her parents. I've told W to leave her alone and to not speak to her anymore. I'll try to keep both of them away from each other. I'll try to tell a conselor about W, if I get the courage to do so. I do hope he gets as well and I'll try to make it happen. Thanks for the advice. I'm sure L will be forever greatful to you.
@HappyLily291125 W will likely feel upset when adults talk to him. Telling adults is actually helping him though - he clearly needs professional help, adults being aware can lead to this.
It is likely his inappropriate behaviour will escalate without help, if not with L then with someone else. If this is dealt with earlier, there is less likely to be legal consequences for him. Also, it's easier to deal with a behaviour early, the long it goes on the more of a habit it has become and becomes part of one's identity.
@AffyAvo Okay thanks Affy for the advice and info. Today L was absent so I observed how he would act. He acted normal, but started to pester another girl from our class. I wanted to bash his head into his desk and comand him to shut up and leve them alone. To stop pestering others and not force himself on others. He followed his new prey while running on the track. It was disgusting to see him bother them so much. I controled everything and kept these horrid thoughts to myself. Thanks for the advice though. I'll try to follow them.
@HappyLily291125 An update: W isn't bothering L anymore, he baraly talks to her anymore. I confronted him last week on friday, when he asked why she didn't look comfortable anymore. I told him to not bother her anymore, she isn't comfortable anymore around you. So yeah one down another to go. Yeah, it's monday here and she talked to another guy last week end. Wanted to meet up with her, but she declined. She's becoming more aware about things and I told her about the advice you all gave me. She is very greatful for the advice. The new guy (not W) hasn't pestered her about meeting up with him. I still walk her to her locker, but W seems not to be there anymore. Everything is doing good do far. Thanks for all of your help everyone. She and I are truly greatful. Take care and Stay safe all of you. Love ya'll.
@HappyLily291125 That's great! I hope that he is getting help and doesn't do this to anyone else.
@AffyAvo It is, we decided not to tell the school's counselor and give him a second chance, but if it happens again we will. We hope doesn't come. L doesn't like the idea of telling on him.
@HappyLily291125 Update: W has stopped bugging her. Well.. a bit. He moved classes, but keeps switching sometimes. He calls out to her sometimes in the hallways. All in all, things aren't too bad. She's still worried about her safety and so am I, but we're going through this together. He sometimes tries touching her on the shoulder or on the arm. He also started hitting on other girls. I'm trying to convince L to tell a teacher about this. I hope things go well. Take care and Stay safe all of you. Thanks for all the advice. She's greatful to you all.