Afraid to start looking, but so lonely
I've been hurt by people I loved. I'm a compassionate person by nature. I always rise up to take care of others, but next to nobody has ever cared for me the same way. I'm looking for the one who understands me. I'm looking for the person who sees me in all my strangeness and broken edges and loves me because of them.
I've been the victim of narcissitic people who used me. I let myself be used to feel loved and they left me when I was not what they wanted anymore. This level of hurt broke me so badly I never want to feel that vulnerable again. Did I let this happen to myself because i was so desperate to stop being alone?
To make matters worse, I'm an asexual. I have a hard time meeting people and going on dates because I can't read the situation at all. I have no idea if I'm doing it right or if I feel for this person. I get scared and I push them away when I know they don't see me. I pusht hem away before i hurt them. I try so hard to make them understand, but I feel like I've used them too. I feel terrible when I say that we shouldn't date.
I just want to find the person I'm meant to be with. The person who will hold me up as much as I hold them up. I want to find someone who makes me feel like I exist. What's wrong with me?
@Himeko1995 I'm totally down for being your friend! I'm a lonely individual myself.
@Skedaddlepal
How do you overcome the isolation? I'm usually able to ignore it, but everyone around me is in relationships and are all shocked I'm perprtually alone. It just puts a magnifying glass on my life which I don't like to acknowledge. I don't like to think about how lonely I am.
@Himeko1995
Hey im glad you posted this and just wanted to say if you need any advice or someone to talk too id be more then happy to help :)
I too struggle in social situations and how the syntax works, you are not alone with this and you shouldnt feel bad for when it overwhelms you!
@Himeko1995
Hey Himeko.
I am sorry about what happened to you. It is normal to feel like a wreck after a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing is that you heal now. Please, don't jump in new relationships with emotional baggage and unhealed wounds. Even the best relationship will hurt sometimes, so you must learn to take care of yourself and stay in a space of self-love, no matter if you are single or taken.
People do many things because they don't want to be alone. If the main value / desire in your life is to be loved, it sets you to tolerate a lot. That's normal. Know that every relationship leaves us knowing more about ourselves and characteristics we expect in a perfect partner. Once you know exactly what you want and feel ready for relationship, the person that you care for will appear in your life. Be patient. Nothing may be happening in months, but then you may meet this person when you least expect it. You are still very young. Give yourself time.
When you feel 100% ready to receive love, maximize your chances by going to places when it seems that you are most likely to meet this perfect person. Think of it this way: you can't buy apples in hardware store, so why searching there? Go to the groceries. Etc.
You will be loved. The previous relationships were a valuable lesson because taught you that you deserve better. Now that you know that you deserve better and can recognize the red flags of an abusive relationship, you will be alert and won't get hurt so easily. The first heartbreaks are always the worst. Think of how many times you fell when you were trying to walk. It's the same with finding the perfect partner. Getting hurt is unavoidable, but trust me that it's worth it, because one day you will find that person.
As for asexuality, I get your problems because I've been asexual all my life. If you feel awkward, insecure and unwilling to pursue physical intimacy - welcome to the club! You are not alone. I suggest to reconsider whether you want to live in total celibacy or agree to have some sexual activity in a relationship. You need to know your own boundaries before you communicate them to someone else.
Remember that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Talking about your and your partner's expectations will help you avoid many problems and unnecessary hurt.
I hope this helps.
Peace!