Am I having too many expectations?
We are together for 2 years and are engaged since May.
Since the beginning of the relationship, we said we are going to get married, although I felt from the beginning something was not right. We had a lot of ups and downs, but somehow we managed things or at least seems to be.
The truth is I don't feel listened to or appreciated, communication is only about life problems. I feel like he doesn't crave intimacy, and doesn't understand it, I feel desired only for sex.
Am I setting the bar too high? I feel like I don't. I wish to be cuddled, to be asked once in a while if I'm ok if I eat something that day, if I had a good day at work, etc. Whenever I talk with him he seems to be out of this world, only hearing but not listening.
There are moments when things change, but this is only after we argue, I communicate my needs, and lasts only for a week tops.
I am guessing he loves me because I always seem to think he doesn't know how to show it and because he tells it. But if I'm not loved in the way that I desire, how is this fair to me?
I always ask him if he eats, I am always concerned about his health physically and mentally, always there to listen to him venting or to give advice if needed, I massage him every morning and scratch his back to sleep almost every night. I do little things for him to feel seen, and appreciated and I do them from a loving place.
I do think this is not the relationship I should be in and that I deserve more.
I would appreciate your thoughts on this. Thank you, ☺️
@Littlebutstrong1892
For me it sounds like a communication issue first and foremost. Have you discussed this with him? Are you both capable of having a healthy conversation about this? This will require you to communicate even if it takes you out of your comfort zone. And he will also need to step out of his comfort zone too. You definately deserve more, but this does not mean calling it quits. It means starting that communication and seeing how you can both improve and built a healthier, happier relationship together.
@Twal, Thank you for your advice,
As an example: I told him that I need him to show a bit more interest in me and at least be a little bit more curious about my day. Not every day, but it's nice to be considered.
His answer was: I work a lot and I'm tired. After that, I reminded him of periods when he worked fewer hours and the situation was the same. He responds that he just knows I'm ok and doesn't see the point in asking me. From my side, this sounds like a lack of interest after all.
I am aware it's a lack of communication and misunderstanding but it's not coming from my side, and every time I open it up I feel shut down.
@Littlebutstrong1892
If you can afford to, couple's counseling would really help. Also, this may be of interest to you: https://positivepsychology.com/communication-in-relationships/ . Read it first and reflect on it - which of the things you do yourself and can you spot which of the things he does? But do not use this as a weapon against your partner - pointing out his flaws will only make him defensive. Work on yourself first and try to understand your communication as a couple better.
The example you gave us happens a lot in various relationships. It‘s worth trying again but you also need to be very careful about what you say. Find a good time and place (not after a busy work day!) and then you could try something like this:
You: There is something I wanted to share with you, it is important for me that we talk about it. Is this a good time? (If not, agree on a specific time when you will talk. If yes, find a setting that works for you. It could be on a sofa with a glass of wine, or maybe you could go for a walk?)
You: For me, talking with my partner about small day to day things is important in my relationship. When you say that you don‘t see the point in talking about our days, it makes me feel not appreciated and it makes me feel less connected to you. I want us to try to set aside some time every day where we talk about each others days. (Propose and agree about time, place and duration. For example, 10 minutes after dinner at home) You can say that you understand that this may feel forced and silly but that it is important for you.
Don ‘t expect this to work ideally from the beginning. He may not ask enough questions or it may feel weird. But if you both commit to those 10 minutes, it will give you a chance to improve over time.
Hope this helps! And once again, I am just a random stranger on the internet, couple's counseling would be much more appropriate for this.
@Twal thank you for this point of view!
I will take the time and read the article.
Your point of view was eye-opening and I needed that. Couples therapy might not be an option since he is resistant to the idea, but I will apply your advice with patience and a better choice of timing.
I appreciate your time and hope you'll have a wonderful day ahead!
I don't think you're asking for too much with your expectations. There's not much you can do to make him change either. You feel like you deserve to be treated better. You voiced that to him many times and he still doesn't do it consistently enough to make you happy. Marriage probably won't fix it either. Maybe he's just not "the one" for you.
I do not think you are asking for too much, to be frank. One should set expectations for himself or herself, in order to strive better and for excellence.
No worries, you are doing well.
I can relate. Feel free to reach out!
Hi, I can relate to a lot of the things you mentioned, especially the part about sex and then also not putting effort, and the communication issue. I came to the conclusion that he wasn't communicating with me because he chose not to, he didn't want to. It was not because he was not capable of it. Recently his behavior changed when he started seeing that I was on my own doing what I wanted. For me there was a general disrespect in the relationship also and on both sides. Once I am disrespected from the start, I really can't overlook that
Anyway this might not be as bad for you and different circumstances so I do hope however that things work out for you and if not, there is always therapy and other forms of support, and I wish you the best
