An Open Diary Dedicated to my Past Lovers and Heartbreak

At this point of grief, I want to blame things.

I want to blame circumstance, I want to blame the internal influences that pushed me to be the person I am today, choosing things that are just damaging me.

Now I want to blame Japanese entertainment and their toxic culture about love, mixed with the open-minded idea of the west that everybody has a right to express themselves when they feel intensely about something. "Life is short" or "Follow your heart" that kind of bullsh**.

Contrast to my Philippine (Post Colonial) upbringing where it will never be the girl that should chase a man, because women should value themselves etc and to chase a man is disgraceful in our culture. Even in modern times, there is still a strong sense of old-style courtship being relished and appreciated here, so to me a positive relationship is where the man still pursues the woman etc.

But I was unhappy with this set up. For one it's sexist, I'll have to behave and sit and look pretty to even have a chance at being attractive and worth the attention for men to court -- if i dont sit pretty and ladylike...it wont work. Second, because of this set-up, I'm impatient and I believe in my gut that the men that I like will just keep turning a blind eye towards me, so I opted to risk everything and just confess my heart out.

And for most of my life -- I never won. Because of course, the men in my country think it's emasculating to have the girl do the effort for them. Also another is because it makes me look like a really tough personality -- I was a bitch back then, and had the guts to say who I like...bad combination.

And Asians have this obsession with white skin. The moment my skin turned to a pale coffee tint, I lost potential to even have someone like me and my insecurities just skyrocketed.

But I kept going. Loving men that won't love back because it's poetic, because it's the manga-ish way to go. It's how great romances were made.

I never won in this game the same way I have no luck with the lottery or any raffle contest.

And now it has come to a point that I slowly start to believe I'm just meant to be alone.

It's either I find men that manipulate me after they see I'm not so tough, or discard me after getting what they want because I'm "easy".

And for years I just continued this way without noticing how far I've deteriorated as myself and completely lost who I am.

I can't even draw things I like anymore, I can't enjoy the things I used to love for myself because I shared everything with past lovers.

Music, movies, art, food...everything. Even my body.



I'm used up broken parts.


And now...the junk yard is sorting out my scraps. Playing with the ones that get compressed and using for themselves what can still be salvaged.

I'm scared for my life. I'm 24, and I have nothing to go for me. I used a lover as my motivation to keep going, but he's really given me a toxic environment to be in.

I dont know where to go anymore. I have no more consolation, I cant face myself because I'm so empty.

I want to crawl back to him and let him use me just to feel less of this void in my heart.

But whenever I do...the hole just grows bigger after he leaves.


I worry for my life.

Hormones.

I worry it was all pre-menstrual hormones.

Why I broke up with my ex, why I'm messing up my job, why everything that was good in my life is messing up so bad.

I wish I could just put it at that, laugh it off like a mean sexist meme in 9gag about PMS. But who breaks up so emotionally with someone, and ends up losing a job in the process of doing so? I don't think normal women with PMS would decide that drastically over those situations.

It's more than just PMS. It's something with the way my brain works, and how the hormones affect it once a month. Haha.

----

I love him still.

He loves me too.

I think it was a bad idea of me to break up.

Maybe it was hormones.

:(

I've always wanted to kiss someone.

Even when I was three to five years old.

I wonder what that says about my psychology.

I remember I was so curious I tried to kiss my brother and he punched me in the face. I felt bad about it because I was really forcing him to....it was gross. Writing about it now still makes me shudder.

But I say this because I want to backtrack to how I've come to this point where my will is weak and my resolve to protect myself is as thin as tissue paper.

I've longed for childhood sweethearts, I've always wanted to have that kind of lifetime romance.

And I think I developed my sexuality too early so the craving for a partner really got stronger by the time I was 12 or 13.

Then at 15, In college, I met this girl...who changed and opened up doors I never thought were there.

I used to be a sheltered religious kid, but after encountering her, I realized I've been a sinner for a long time now. And for three years, I suffered internal conflict with myself while I stayed as her girlfriend, until it came to the point that for the first time, I felt something in my mind, truly break.

I can't say what it was...I don't even know exactly what it was...But I know after that relationship. Something got broken that never truly healed. Instead of finding a safe place to heal myself with good friends and family, I chose to go deeper online and find partners there, which never made me better at all.


Omegle became my rebound -- and instead of finding decent people I've found myself in a virtual bar, with all the nastiest people possible. My psyche got tossed around, used around and I felt so pathetic that I just let it all happen to me.

I deserve this, I'm just a worthless pile of trash anyway, men can just do whatever they want, this is what they truly are, because heck, my first relationship was with a girl that wants to be a guy and she destroyed me...what more real men...


That was my mindset the whole time...It was a trap of course, I was seeking for a decent male that would erase every single memory I had of my ex, I wanted someone that would overpower what she did to me. But I'm not looking at the right places...I was looking at Omegle. ffs. Haha. Of course the weirdest darkest personalities of humans is what I'll get there.

But this is how the adventure starts I think....this is how my unaddressed depression started. And slowly ate away what I didnt know could've been saved that time..

What helps?

What helps really?

Why is the only solution for heartbreak...isolation?

Why is the cure also my source of pain.


Nothing helps.

I'm more broken than I realize....and I don't know what to do.

I dont like college, and no matter how much I want to get over it...I somehow can't.

It's where I met my ex girlfriend. Well boyfriend since she associates herself as a guy -- but I really don't want to respect her so I keep calling her girlfriend. I guess I'm bitter, because I suffered so much from her confusion with her gender.

I can't forgive. It's hard.

I realize this now after having a fight with my current complicated relationship that I actually want to save from crumbling apart but it seems it's not possible.

He told me I'm so unforgiving, I make someone pay until they do what I want.

I guess it's true. I guess it's because of all the injustice that never came after what my exgf did to me in college.

All that manipulation, all that times I lost that could've been dedicated to my dreams, to my identity to my well being...I lost it all to her as she took, took, took, took all she could. Even friends, even isolation...everything.

I hate her. I hate myself...because in the end when I talk to people, they tell me I'm the one to blame because I let her abuse me.

How can I say no under threat?

How can I say no when she tells me that she'll kill herself and her rich family will hunt me down and destroy my family if they found out I'm the "cause"?

How can I say no when she threatens me I won't graduate from the school that costs more than my internal organs in the black market?

How can I say no when she threatens me I'll lose everything?

But in the end the more I stayed the more I lost.

And the more I grew up from it, the more I saw the options that I could've gone out but didnt, and blamed my stupidity and ignorance for letting it all happen to me.

I wish I could stop...I think people will just be better off without me...

I just do destructive things...


This hatred grew and grew...because in the end, I couldn't fix myself anymore even if I tried. Something broke in me when I stayed with her.

Art was my core and she took it away from me...the things that I needed to defend myself from the real world after college. I had nothing to defend my core anymore...

So I lost myself to my job...and empty relationships until it shoved me to the ground and reduced me to a pile of mashed flesh.


It's gone....everything is gone.


I'm gone...


I'm so empty I can't love the person I actually wanted to be a partner for...


And I'm not strong enough to be his.



I lose.



I always lose and I don't know what to do.

Memories of you

A week ago.

I proclaimed to the world...that I love you, that I still choose you.
By using a drawing I made of us, on November 27th, 2014.

Thinking hopeful things that we'll get better.That a flashback Friday can turn to a flashforward Friday. I thought I was getting better.

I thought things we're getting better.

The second week, you held me in your arms and called me cheesy things: Angel, flower, Rainbow...told me that I deserved the world.

Then a few days ago, you were hugging me, as if you can read me when I need it. Buttering me up. Melting me in your arms as you let me cry, safe and secure.

Then you make love to me, and I expose myself like how your fantasies worked.

You told me how much you loved me, how beautiful I was, how your moans confirmed the pleasure of loving me.

I trusted you, mind body and soul.

I held you in my mind as I would have held you in person. My want, my desire, my need of you will be poured out through my flesh, my fingers...

Because I trusted that your care will stay, and I hoped that you valued me all the same.

You asked me, while you were eyeing me with lust...if I was sure. If I'll be okay afterwards since we agreed that I needed 3 days away from you. I paused...but your kisses made me lost. I said "yes", hoping that your embrace will stay in the morning.

Even when in my heart I knew you wont. Because you're the type of person that withdraws...because you weren't raised this way...because I give too much, because I need to keep you interested, because you're just emotionally drained after masturbating infront of a webcam while watching me do the same.


After you've had your release, the satisfaction, the peak, you turned to me, with your beautiful eyes fluttering, that you can't sleep with the tablet on. That we need to maintain the agreed distance, that I can handle myself.

But I was honest...I told you softly "I might need you. I feel vulnerable these days"

And all you said was "Okay, you can call me."

But the next day, after I distracted myself as best I could. I went home tired, thinking of you.

I called you, holding on to the security you promised me.

I whispered "I miss you"

And you laughed -- snorted. Typing in words "so soon? After last night?"

I asked you if you still need me, I asked you if you're even afraid of losing me...

And you said "I don't need anyone, tbh. And why, will I lose you?"

I burst out crying.

You kept drawing.

I dropped the call and said sorry...it was stupid of me. I'll sleep alone.

You realized your fault after asking for confirmation if it was your fault to begin with from someone else.

Then you reluctantly offer a solution you dont believe in.

I become more upset...

And you just hate that I am.

You told me...nasty things.

How I'm so unforgiving.

Why do we even try.

Why bother.

How I'm such a downer.

How I'm useless to you now.

How this relationship has no use for you.

And said constant things that convince me to finally say goodbye, because you tell me it's up to me...because you're tired. You can't see a future with a person like me and my mind.

So I did....I started to say things to go in peace...saying sorry and thanks...when it was your turn you choke....and requested we talk tomorrow.....



And now here we are today.
You said "it is time"
Told me we should just be friends.
Told me sorry, I didnt deserve any of the things you said.
Told me you still love me and that you miss me.
Told me that you wished you could stay in this moment.
Told me that you think you need to improve first before we get back together.
Told me that you'll be the one to confess this time.

You held me.
Like you never did before. Which was so unfair. You held me so tight when this was all I needed from you. You held the tablet so close the camera went black. Like how it would feel in person when my eyes would get covered up with your sweater.

You held me. You cried. Held back tears and held me some more.


We stared at each other for what felt like eternity. I beg that you won't say it. I beg that you meant it.

But in the end you told me...that you had to go soon, because you have a painting session to take care of.

In the end you chose your popularity.

In the end you chose your 500 likers...


In the end I'm the one alone crying.

Writing sappy things on a website you'll never find.

While you live your life, your potential with throngs of people following you...leaving me in the dust. Echoing how true it is that you find me useless.

I can't find meaning in this yet. I can't find substance in myself. I can't pick up the shattered dust that is my heart across this bed.

I can't imagine myself living a full life yet.

And sometimes I'm afraid that if you check up on me...I'm still in this place. moping, waiting...for a call that will not come -- just like the many promises you never kept.



You're so sly. You're so good.
You managed to dump me while making me feel good.
I'm pathetic. I'm selfish. I feel slimy and disgusting.

I feel myself completely disintegrate...

Like the love I had built around you...that you kicked and spat on...


Maybe it's salvation...because if we stayed...the scars on my wrists would be deeper and wider to the point that stitches wont save me.

I am grieving...

You took away everything, masked like an angel.

I have nothing...while you walk out fine.

Why does it shock me. Over and over that you're gone?

I forgot what happened three years ago...but facebook showed me a "3 years ago today" post.

Resonates so much with how I feel this week.

What does this mean?

Have I been living a loop for three years now?

Or life just likes to strike me down on December 6?

I'm sorry for the times I threatened you with suicide.

But I think all I'm asking that time was,

the same question I ask now:

Would you care?
Would you cry, would you feel loss....grief? If I was gone from the face of the planet?

I guess I'm just bad with words.

I'm not suicidal right now surprisingly.

But I do wish this storm wipes out my room to shreds. Until all that's left is the floor. Leaving my house, my family intact.

Erasing me...the cancer that is me.

Rejected over and over.


Left behind.

Alone...

Pathetic and useless.