When my ex-girlfriend broke up with me many years ago, it started to rain very bad.

Now it's happening again.

I'd like to think the sky weeps for me.

This is so childish. But it helps.

I guess it shows how much I truly cared for these assholes.

Because out of all my relationships.

it's with these two that I didn't have the courage to end it even if I wanted to for a very long time.

Sometimes I wonder what kind of challenges men want from women.

He said I should make him chase...or hunt.

Wasn't opening up how damaged I am enough of a challenge?

Isn't it kinda sexist/mysoginistic that he still wants me to be SEXY and mysterious while being challenging?

What did he want...a running chicken?

I guess he's not smart enough for a spiky rubix cube???? Is that it?

My love is now hate at 9:47 in the morning.

And later it will be a lake of tears again.


especially while crying i hear fucking Justin Timberlake with his face pasted on singing cry me a river.


I want his world to end.


I want him destroyed.


Is this the anger stage of grief?

a part of me knew

when i got fired last year

because you were as much a part of the job as the rest of my memories back in 2015

that you will also dump me.

you said that you won't though. told me love is different. you see me differently.

but life happened.

in the end you were also observing my performance.

checking if it's still worth your investment.

slowly...

slowly...

words like

"wasted time"

"wasted energy"

"wasted effort"

started to come out of your lips.

i told you....so many times...i told you...begged...even.

i think i'm depressed. please don't pressure me.

please don't make me perform.

please love me like you promised.

but the problem is. i can't make you do that. you're so unapologetically you...while i apologize about everything that is ME, though at times i get jealous and try my hand at assertion but just burn myself because we've established your authority somehow.

i hate facebook quotes. it's double sided. it advises me to not be sorry for who i am. that the people that walk away are not worth your time or...that people who make life toxic for you are not worth another second in your life.

it validates everything he did.

it validates all the shit he said to me.

it approves of the cruelty that goes beyond those words.

i couldn't do it because i know how it felt.

but the suckiest of all...it validates how much i failed. even if facebook was trying to comfort me with it...instead i see it from his side.

i am skewed.

i am twisted.

i am broken and aging too soon for a 24 year old.

i am deteriorating.

the problem with you and my past job...

you all have this creepy militaristic/hivemind mindset.

comply or be kicked out.

i'm still trying to figure out why i feel more ashamed instead of happy that squares like you and that job have a say about my individuality.

==

you told me one time that we're different.

i thought that you saying that meant you completely understand then.

that you see my difference as something to love.

that you see how emotionally fragile i am.

that if you hurt me...my impulse would be to remove everything that reminds me of you in plain sight. because, it hurts...i dont want to feel crippled with triggers.

but no.

you didnt embrace these faults.

you made me change them too much too soon.

force me to be strong without the right kind of reinforcement to help me keep it together when your difference shows up.

i love you.

and i could've had a better time dealing with you being an unapologetic asshole...if you showed at least a small sign of care. to build me up with a proper foundation of security.

not something you do to benefit you, because it makes you feel good or superior. not something you can use against me in the end.

something that you actually gave. for me.

but in the end you took everything back and called me an ingrate.

i doubt too much.

blah blah blah.

i really would have not doubted if you gave me no reason to.

that really is not my problem

so why did you shove it to my pile?

Dont Give Pearls to Pigs

Even if you can't tell them apart.

I want to message him that he can't say he loves Whisper of the Heart as much as I did. I shared that to him. He can never tell that to someone else that he loves that movie. Because that belongs to me.

That's MY movie. I just SHARED it to you.

--

I made a quick assumption that he's the guy in the movie.

I gave him a piece of me I can never take back.

You know...as much as everyone continues to deny the whole virginity concept...it actually applies to a lot of things.

When we respected the idea of virginity...we know what value is...and when we know what value is...we won't just throw shit that's important to us just to anyone else.

People used to take their damn long time in choosing a partner -- or they had the guidance of parents to assist them in this. Partnership was a serious discussion.

And sometimes I think the irresponsible liberals in us thought it was too rigid.

Well now and then we all wonder why a piece of us keeps getting missing when we go from partner to partner.

==

I lost value when I put it all on you, Christopher, you jerk. I thought you were worth everything.

You still are, you're a diamond studded asshole.

"!@#$%^&*"

man. i'm so angry.

i get angry at night when there's no friends or family to surround me.

i get angry at the hours where we used to talk.

i get angry during these moments. because you're having a grand time forgettingme. looking smug. talking to some artist girl that's better than me.

i feel sick to my gut.

i see how useless i am now.

Level Up Facebook Group

*I scroll down to check on some art and immediately find your work. I see comments of praise, a bit of criticism...since you really suck at human figure, so this wasnt as impressive as your first two that was filled with cars and buildings...slow progress of likes compared to the others.

I look at the comments and one of them took quite a stand out to me:

Lady artist:
Lose the bum sexist Jessica rabbit and the right figures x too symmetrical and look like a human fence.
Still think it's awesome and you're awesome

Your reply to her obviously flirtatious comment
Great how you are so direct. You cant go wrong with your first impression. I love the asian yakuza bum though. You are very right about the human fence!
I think the same about you! Love back to you!

All I can say is....WHAT A PIECE OF ****.

YOU FILTHY LYING PRICK.

YOU DIRTY, DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE.

-SCREAMING-

Dear Christopher,

It sucks it has to end this way.

I did not want it to end this way.

But you blaming me for things I'm already blaming myself for is something that I cannot handle anymore.

The way you said things, how "it's been over a year" or "you're being dramatic over something that happened a year ago" or "it's your fault really why you lost that job" or "it's your mindset that gets you rejected anyway" or "it's your fucking mind that's the problem" is not giving me solutions how to get over it. It's more like stating the obvious that I've been aware for most of my life that I'm having a hard time to fix.

I know it. I really do...but knowing is different from being capable to do something about it. I need support and patience but you have none of it.

My triggers are "drama" to you.

You're allowed to vent, and you appreciated how good it feels that I listen, and yet when I do it... it's just another round of "drama" to you.

It's like I'm a lump of "drama" in your eyes.

So much for offering being my friend.

My mindset, as you pointed out, just trusted you again even if there were so many red flags from day one. And again at day 90...to day 115th to day 245...to day 365...and 400th and until now. Of all days too...Christmas eve and Christmas day.

You burn me, and then fight fire with fire. Claiming you've done all you can to help me, and tell me how ungrateful I was. Holy ---- you didnt even try, man! And you're making me feel bad for your busted ego!

We just have different standards of caring I guess. I wish I was still gullible like before that appreciates everything so easily, trusting so easily, being fooled so easily. Then maybe you wouldn't feel so miserable.

Anyway, blocking you. It's the only right thing I could think of doing now. We've tried. After all that effort to being friends and how in the end we're still spitting venom at each other has made me see how pointless it really is to keep it going. Friends with benefits just made it more skewed -- you're saying things you don't understand, promising things that are beyond your true comprehension and insisting I believe in them after you broke my heart. When the truth is you just want someone to safely, comfortably fuck just like me.

But toxic will always be toxic. The moment we opened our mouths to talk about how we feel for each other was the death of the friendship I loved about us.

I don't know how forgiveness will enter our lives after this. I bet you'll be so full of hate, but I hope otherwise....I still think you'll be strong enough to forgive and move on and live a happy life because that's what is beautiful about you.

I think me being around just removes that beautiful aspect of who you are, so this time I'm no longer hindering your growth.

I don't want to hear YOU say this to ME though -- how you'll be fine after a few days, how you've done everything you could and you have no regrets. I don't want to hear it. I know it already...and I dont want you shoving it to my face. I'll acknowledge it in silence...here...in a place where you can't find me.

But the most heartbreaking thing about this all is how incapable I am of loving someone now.

I just have fragments of ideas of how it should be. Using those fragments to operate on people. But when it's from something within...I really have nothing anymore.

And I can't be with someone who just blames it on "mindset" why I'm not recovering....thinking that me saying "i'm depressed" is an excuse to be pathetic in your eyes.

It's actually painful because I believed you when you said I was trying and doing my best the past months -- only to realize you were getting impatient. To the point you dumped me.

How could you not see that? What's with you people that can easily move on that makes you so callous to how people feel?

How could you not see that you dumping me...and deciding to go back to that company that fired me the worst possible way -- both of you blaming me for your reasons of doing so -- is not painful for me?

How could you not see how fucked up that is for me? For you to even think that's a noble cause to see me? Haha. F---.

It's ironic because the world pegs you as the "positive" example of what a normal person is. Moving forward, forgetting the past, letting go, avoiding "negative" people.

When they don't see how scary it actually is, how people like you step on weak people like me.

But who would want to stay with depressed "downers" right? It's not your job as my friend to do that -- you gave that responsibility to a therapist. And even then I have to invest money I dont have on a person that's only doing it for salary to help broken people like me.

Sincerity has long been gone and lost in this world I think.

And I'm not gonna survive anymore -- because my mindset is so fucked up. Like you say.


Haha...and to think I still love you after all of this.

But not so much that I want to talk to you anymore...i think that part has ended today.


I'll try to be a bit like you from now on and move on myself. I've held onto you for so long....that I think...at least talking should be out of the equation. I'll be remembering you too much that talking will just compound more and more onto me that recovering might be impossible.


So let's heal like this. Let's end the year by ending our bonds. Let's cut the ties like how we'll say goodbye to 2015.


Goodbye.

I wish you well.