Anxiety, Inadequacy, Fear of Abandonment
Just wondering if anyone else deals with these emotions while dating? And have you found any ways to cope or lessen feelings of anxiety, fear, and inadequacy?
I've begun dating again after having a long term relationship come to an end. I'm realizing I have some baggage, which maybe has always been there and has resurfaced or maybe it's due to the nature of my breakup.
Anyways, I can't help but feel intensely fearful of being rejected whenever I go on a date with someone I really like. I feel like I'm not good enough for the people I would like to date, that they could be with anybody else and, therefore, they will probably choose someone else over me. These feelings of anxiety overwhelm me to the point where I can hardly be myself and can hardly enjoy the experience of being with someone new.
This thread is the exact thing I was looking for when I found this community. Trust me, my dear, you are not alone...
It's almost funny- the way the human mind works. I've had my fair share of crappy relationships; one of which is now a fresh divorce after two years and a child. (Not for sympathy, but the history is important) Now, I have the most amazing, supportive, understanding PARTNER (keyword: partner) that I have ever had the blessing of forming a relatinship with, and I am constantly littered with doubts and insecurities. After subjecting myself to years of being ignored, unappreciated, and silenced, I no longer know how to value myself. Since the divorce, I have spent the past 10 months trying to rediscover my identity, but the fear of who I am not being enough traps me in my own mind. My partner is the most empathetic, attentive listener who places such a high value on communication and mental health and understanding. And yet, I'm still afraid to tell him of how I feel sometimes. I don't want to ALWAYS seem weak or emotionally needy because I dont think I'm enough... Rather, I think that his REAL love is so foreign and overwhelming to be that I don't know how to ever feel worthy. I want to give my best and continue to get better every day, yet the invasive thoughts still find a way to creep in. "What if it's all fake?" "What if he's just with you for the sex?" "What if you get tired of him and stop caring, just like everyone else?" "Why should he pick you? There are prettier, more confident girls?"..... The tirade goes on and on until I feel so guilty for thinking such negative thoughts about him because I know he loves me. I can feel it, I can see it in his eyes, I know it with all I have. So, why do I still do this? Time and time again? Why cant I just be loved and be happy? Why do I feel the impending doom that I'm going to mess it up even thought I dont want to?
(Woah... sorry for the word vomit.. It started with one thought and kind of just exploded.)
@intelligentTriangle9234
Me too! My neediness and fear of abandonment is doing the thing I fear and pushing my husband away :( how do you explain anxiety to someone who.doesnt have it? I pleaded with him to google.it but he is so.mad because of me being mopey he wont even speak to me atm! At the dr right now to try and get some help. I'm so scared to lose him :(
@intelligentTriangle9234
Yes! I see it too. You know they love you and then the fear creeps in
@powerfulHemlock7516
Dear Hemlock,
I dont say this to spawn any doubtful feelings towards your husband, but the nervousness you feel seems like a valid reaction if your honesty is being met with anger. Having been in that environment myself, I could never tell my ex how I felt because if it made him seem like a bad guy, he would never LISTEN and empathize, he would only hear an attack. It made me feel awful for having my own thoughts, and that is not healthy. A relationship is about teamwork, and a partner should always take your feelings into consideration and do what they can to ease your pain. Now, there are situations where there is nothing that can be done because there is no problem (such as my story); however, we have to choose to work towards happiness ourselves. Love is a choice, trust is a choice. Despite all the scattered thoughts, we can CHOOSE to trust. We can choose to let ourselves be loved because we ARE worth it, even if we didn't know it before.
@intelligentTriangle9234
Thanks:) very wise words! My dr appt went well and my husband actually listened and was apologetic to my anxiety. I know we choose to trust and I try to choose this. I really do. I'm going to work on me and then if he doesn't choose to go along for the ride it will be his loss.
@powerfulHemlock7516
Congratularions! I'm proud of you for finding the strength to take care of yourself. If you ever need an ear, dont hesitate to send me a chat. :) good luck on your journey!
@intelligentTriangle923
Thank you :) I will definitely take you up on that offer sometime xx