Anxiety from BEING in a relationship
Hi,
I'm looking for some advice and currently having therapy.
During this pandemic I live alone and work from home. I have met the love of my life (someone I met once at university) and he currently lives abroad and is in the process of moving back to England to be with me and have a future together. He will be back and forth as he has just had a baby with his ex and another thing to show he is great is he wants to be involved and step up. We have been together about 4 and a half months and speaking about 6 months in total, it was very immediate and we knew straight away it was going to be something. 'When you know you know'
I'm 29 and he is 32 and with the last lockdown he stayed with me for another month so we effectively lived together for two months. So this hasn't been conventional!
I am struggling to decide whether to let him move into my house as I'm worried it is too quick and will lose the spark.
but also I appreciate that he makes my life better, he is giving up a lot for me, and when you are a bit older things do tend to move quicker.
we have had three weeks apart and he is back on Monday for Christmas. I thought this time would help me decide but because I over thinking and over analyse everything I've got myself into a mess.
A pattern I have noticed when it comes to men is that I definitely have a deep rooted issue and a lot of anxiety surrounding it as it is something that is out of my control. I never had this at the start with my boyfriend like I did with other guys I was dating.
but it's like I am anxious all the time when we are sort and I cannot 'live in the moment'. I constantly read into everything and question everything and it can cause tension which is completely uneccesary. I am fully aware of it and that I will push him away if I carry on.
The thing is I'm totally fine and independant on my own and as soon as I get involved with someone it seems to take over and I feel like I revolve my life around that person. I'm aware of it and I don't like it.
if there is the smallest shift in behaviour or I can see he has been online but not replied to me or sent a message to check in I get so anxious and always assume the worst. It's unbearable and not how I want to be for the rest of my life.
He's a really nice guy and it usually ends up fine because he was simply BUSY. He always gives a reason and apologises when he nexts speaks to me eg 'sorry I didn't message I was doing x y and z then this'
I'm currently not busy at all and have time to sit and over think.
my therapist has said I have an element of being controlling and that I need to learn to still be ok by myself. Eg if I message him and he doesn't reply remind myself it's because he's busy and that there is always a reason' even if he's been online. (I know this sounds totally ridiculous and social media is the devil)
I feel like I really struggle to be in a relationship and she said it's down to not accepting myself.
I always fear silly things like what if he meets someone better or what if I don't make him laugh or what if I'm not good enough?
I also have an issue with male behaviour. He is a diamond and not a 'lad' at all but I fear about them leering at other women or flirting. He isn't like this but I can't shake the vibe of 'men are trash' 'all men are the same'
I feel like I'm constantly going out of my mind and feel crazy, is there anyone else who has been through something similar?
whilst he's been away obviously all we have is call and text and it's hard but he said he did feel like he has to explain himself to me and can't have a minute to himself. (Just to clarify I don't send a million texts or call him until he answers!) I just stress by myself if more time than usual passes by etc. The anxiety is literally horrific and something I suffer from on top of depression and seasonal affective.
if anyone has any advice on how to remain you in a relationship then SOS because this girl is going UNDER.
@Ubuntu78 this bit was meant to say apart not sort!
'but it's like I am anxious all the time when we are sort and I cannot 'live in the moment'.'
@Ubuntu78
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. They are various things I would like to point out;
I understand you have high hopes for this relationship, and that both of you have been feeling strong feelings towards one another, but it truly feels like the both of you are coming on very strong. I can tell you and him are projecting unmet needs on each other because it's still too early for him to move in with you, and too early for him to rellocate to where you live to have a future together. There's also a projection of a fantasy, so one or both sides will start to see things very differently sooner or laterr.
I can only imagine the amount of anxiety you go through, it must definetly feel rough going through this. This feels very similar to "We fall in love to what's familiar". There's a couple reasons you may feel strongly for him; 1) You feel like he will meet your unmet needs in unconcious level, 2) The strong feelings reminds you a connection you had with someone from your past, or 3) He has similar traits of your caretakers.
I sense there's hypervigilance (Which incredibly hurtful and overwhelming to go through), where the mind tends to become overly focus on every single detail that a person may either abandon, hurt or leave you in the same way it happened in your past. The abandonment (also hurt) issues from childhood from the past, take over the present, and then it puts you in survival mode when there's a romantic relationship with men. I can also tell your first connection with men didn't feel safe or that they couldn't be there for you, so all of this is coming to the surface.
I feel like you often ignore your individuality, autonomy and perhaps who you are when it comes to relationship, and then the relationship becomes one sided because it just feels like everything becomes about just that one person. I think you are good enoug, but the negative beliefs from childhood tend to take over, so in a way it makes you feel trapped.
