Avoidant Husband
Hi..
Background: I have an avoidant husband. He doesn't like to communicate on serious topics. Avoids me when he feels I am angry.. to avoid fight.
First 2.5 yrs of our marriage was a havoc. He used to work for 15 hrs a day and on weekends. There was a complete emotional neglect from his side. Also, no involvement in operational duties of a husband. Everything I had to do. It was super stressful with my Job on the other side... plus too much interference of Mother in Law and her 'not at all subtle' jealous behaviour (she doesn't stay with us but 1 hr daily speaks with my husband with all her bitching about me).
Current status :
We took counselling 4 months back, he is trying to improve.
Created boundary with his Mother. Carrying out most of his operational duties well.
However, still procrastinates important tasks once in a while. And at times when he does I try to be patient. However, sometimes when even after giving him enough buffer he doesn't perform his duties I can't hold it together and lash out at him.
He accuses me of fighting with him. I told him several times to perform his duties on time if he doesn't want me to fight with him.
Recent Trigger:
I left job in Sept'20 for further studies (1 year diploma). We had talked before I left the job, that he will send me a certain amount (which is just 4% of his salary) for my personal finances. After I left the job he would send me money , however, I had to ask him 3-4 times for the same. After the counseling he sent me money for 4 months without me asking him. But again in this month he somehow "forgot" to do the same. For 10 days I didnt say anything, then I reminded him to which his response was "I forgot". Still for the next 2 days he didnt send. Yesterday evening he was watching TV show happily while ordering cake for his niece's 2nd month birthday.
This triggered all the memories of the past where he would neglect responsibilities towards me but would diligently do all the responsibilities towards his other family members. And I lashed out at him.
I already did yoga and meditation for relaxation today morning. But still distracted due to anger and unable to focus on study.
(I can't get out of this marriage coz of social stigma hence I have to find ways to manage my anger and stress arising out of his selectively lousy behavior and taking me for granted)
I am so much trying to "not expect" anything from him. I do well at that so many times. But sometimes I can't.
If anyone has any advice/ tool that will help me get through such situations so that I can focus on my work/study, it would be of great help.
@ventallout Maybe try to use I statements, like "I feel frustrated and worried about finances". That allows you to express how you feel while also trying to understand and hear his side of things, like maybe he is very tired and stressed from work and forgot or maybe he is worried about whether his finances will be okay if he continues supporting you.
@Daydreamer47
He has a huge salary and keeps on buying investments in his name without worrying for operational finances.
I talked to him yesterday, he told me he has very less liquid money in his account.
As soon as the salary comes, he pays bills, EMI and rest all he puts in Mutual funds and shares... and forgets to transfer money to me.
So I am compelled to think, either he forgot or he doesn't want to support me financially or I am just invisible to him.
In the past he forgot to bring gifts on my birthday, our anniversary or do anything special for me.
Now post counseling he does do all these things but he has to put reminders on his phone for all these things.
I feel so worthless living with me, feels so unvalued.
@ventallout Sounds like doing more counseling might be worthwhile tbh. I'm sorry you are feeling worthless in your relationship. At the same time, I feel that he is not obligated to give you money tbh and maybe he doesn't feel comfortable, so it's important to listen to his side without yelling and be open to adjusting at the same time that you are asking for your own needs and wants.
I left my Job to study further at that risk.. I discussed with him explicitly before leaving job that i ll leave job only if he supports me for my basic finances to which he willingly said he will. I even said I will pay him back once I get the job if he doesnt feel comfortable and he got offended saying how can u accuse me that I wont support... He has really confusing behavior.... He won't say anything on ur face but will get it done through manipulation.
Actually that is the irritating part.. when I ask him if there is any issue he will speak all the goody goody words but his actions wont match his words. When I fight and push him he will spill the beans.... Its just too exhausting to live with him ..
Sorry I am just venting out. I get really irritated.
I am sort of going through the same. When you lash out at him do you yell? maybe try to tall him you'd like to speak to him abt something and discuss the issue.
@coconutstorm2433
I don't right away. I try to speak with him calmly. But he starts putting the blame on me. Like yesterday he got ice-cream as apology and said "I think you didn't have any sweet since long time, hence the bitterness". That's when I yelled.