Break Up with the Love of My Life

Ugh. I am in an awful situation. I met my ex at work in August of 2020. We instantly connected & had sarcastic banter with each other. I wasn’t really looking for a relationship but I fell for him. Hard. He ended up driving me home from work every night because we lived literally a block away from each other & we just connected. We both moved our whole lives so we connected about that & we both connected over the fact that our parents always argue. Well that came back to bite us in the butt. We started dating & the first few months were AMAZING. We were so in love. We were 16 years old & young & it was just great. School started & things went downhill fast. We began to bicker every week. And we tried to be mature & talk about it & tell each other “look we have to fix this”. But nothing ever really got fixed. Then, in December we found out he was moving four hours away. He cried to me & I never saw a man cry. It meant so much to me. That made us appreciate the time we had together & he actually gave me a $700 promise ring on Christmas. Fast forward, we’ve been doing long distance & he comes to see me every month, but we’ve been arguing more & we actually broke up & got back together a few times. We’re toxic. & we admitted it and tried SO HARD to fix it. And I actually did change myself…I worked on not getting upset over little things & we were doing good for a month. We cried to each other on our one year anniversary because we didn’t know if we were happy but we wanted to have a life with each other. But August 13th we broke up. I have never felt this amount of pain in my life. We actually talked for about a week after the break up because we wanted to get through it together. But then he kept saying all of these things like “Yeah I think we do need to see other people” & “I might only text you once a week because I need space”. At the time, I was so upset & heartbroken that I got upset at him for wanting space & even being able to fathom being with someone else. But then he also said things like “I keep hoping that in 6 months to a year we will change and get back together. Fast forward, we fought because i felt as though he was fine & I wasn’t & he seemed so chill. He even told me that he’s doing better two weeks later & that broke me. We finally agreed to just talk once a week, & I came to the conclusion that the break up is best because we do need to work on ourselves. But, he is very active on social media & a few days after, he posted a tik tok about how he “was newly single” & downloaded dating apps to talk to girls but “only as friends”. I was overwhelmed & texted him about how it made me feel & it lead to him blocking me. I’m aware that I need to think before I speak & I am trying so hard. But it’s the worst feeling when the love of your life is doing fine without you. I know I’m toxic & I just regret not staying calm so we still could be able to communicate once a week or even a month. I don’t want to lose him. Even just as a friend. He was a year of my life. In his last text he said, “I will text you sometime” & everyday I just hold onto that & wonder when he’s going to text me or if he even will. I feel like I screwed up everything & I am such a bad person. I don’t understand how two people can grow up around fighting & hate it so much, but then do it with their own partner. It’s so frustrating. We loved each other so much & tried so hard to make it work. And I just think if we didn’t fight, we could be so amazing. It’s so hard because I don’t even know if he’s going to apart of my life ever again. It’s the fear of the unknown.