Breakup and loop

*trigger warning*

Hi everyone! I'm going through a really hard time rn. Don't know if I should share the whole story but I don't want to be scared of doing so and I'm not ashamed of it.

So, let's start from my childhood. I'm from a very happy family consisting of all the introverts. In childhood I was a good student but was very emotional. I was in second standard when I saved someone from bullying and everyone in the class stopped talking to me. I used to cry everyday. My mom told me to make books my friends and I topped for few years. I found some people to call my friends when I was in 6th std. I believe I got too attached to them that I could do anything for them but I realised that I couldn't fit in. I couldn't share anything with them. Slowly I can't of started finding difficult to say no to things because I cared too much. Slowly, I started getting isolated from people when I grew up. I got addicted to social media and found some good friends. But, also some people who hurt me. Once I was in an abusive relationship where the person harassed me online. He cheated on me. That was the first time when I self harmed. I don't do it anymore but I get really anxious sometimes. Then I started talking to depressed people online and helped many of them. I realised that if I could help them then I can help myself too.

So, 5 years back I found another person who became my best friend. I was still struggling with my mental health. He became my world. Slowly, I started socialising too. Some time back I got to know that he has been cheating on me for a year now with a friend of mine...she didn't know it either. Now, I don't think he's a bad person. I wasn't in a good state when we met. He used to stay up all night for me and he truly cared for me but now when I know he doesn't love me I'm unable to let myself get out of this space..I'm unable to leave him alone. I really love him. Even though I know he doesn't love me back... I'm finding it too hard to. First thing because we were in long distance and he's an introvert so doesn't communicate and secondly he still cares for me at times..I'm so confused and hurt. At the same time, I want to save our friendship because he was my best friend too. I wanted to grow up with him but we grew apart. I was truly making efforts. Now, many people might suggest me to block him, move on etc. But maybe I just need some emotional support instead of logic at this point.

Don't know if it makes sense but I hope someone understands.