CHEATING ON MY PARTNER WAS THE WORST MISTAKE EVER!
Certainly, let's work through your writing together. I'll make some revisions and suggestions to help improve clarity and coherence:
I had a very intense affair that lasted for six months. The person involved was everything I never knew I wanted. However, he was also married. After experiencing a series of losses, including both of his parents passing away within a six-month period, he had a change of heart and wanted to end the affair. He expressed a desire to remain friends, but I found it too difficult to bear. I was deeply infatuated with him and still am. I went no contact for four months and suffered greatly from grief. I desperately wanted to love my husband, but in my eyes, he doesn't compare to my affair partner. My partner was strong, took the lead, and fulfilled every aspect of me that was missing. Now, I find myself mourning the fact that I'll never feel the same way again.
What's particularly sad and delusional is that I envisioned keeping this affair going on forever the way it was. I wouldn't want him to leave his wife, and I don't want to leave my husband. Now, six months later, I'm still mourning. I ruminate all night long, and I dream of him.
Two weeks ago, we broke no contact when he asked a fellow coworker to reach out so we could have a business meeting to continue with the plans we had made. During our private meeting in a park, he again agreed that we would remain friends and that no one would ever know what happened between us. He wants our business plans to continue. He apologized in his part for making feel sad at our break up. HE seems happy about moving forward and even text that he was happy for the meeting and that we were friends.
SO Here I am, still stuck in grief. I know it's not love, but I'm just really sad that I'll never feel that way again. I agree that its not really a hundred percent about him...its that feeling I felt. It was like drugs every time. The saving grace is that I have come to accept that he does not want me in that way. HE is not interested at all. I respect his boundaries. I do want to work on our business plans. The business plans will help me get ahead in life.
There's so much going on. Clearly, I don't love myself if I could let someone define and dictate my own feelings but its true.... he made me feel the best I've ever felt in my life. I don't even know where to find that feeling again, as a big part of it was the intimacy. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. I'm in therapy and on medication, but I still feel the same. I have zero intimate feelings for my husband, but I do like him as a friend and father. I'll never tell him, as I don't want to hurt him. I really want to feel whole again because this pain is too much.
There's so much happening, and I don't even know if I have a question. But I'm also unsure of what direction to take. I know I won't repeat the infidelity again probably more so because he will never want me again.
@IfIwereabird
Have you looked up and read about limerance ?
if not it may help.
@IfIwereabird
It's clear that you've been through a lot emotionally, and I want to acknowledge the pain and confusion you're experiencing. It's understandable to feel lost and mournful after ending a intense affair, especially when it brought you feelings you've never experienced before.
Firstly, it's important to recognize that the intense emotions you felt during the affair were likely amplified by the secrecy and the illicit nature of the relationship. This can create a strong bond that feels addictive, akin to a "drug," as you described. However, it's crucial to understand that this intensity may not have been a reflection of true love or compatibility but rather a result of the circumstances surrounding the affair.
Moving forward, focusing on yourself and your own healing is essential. Therapy and medication are steps in the right direction, but it's also important to give yourself time and patience. Healing from this experience will take time, and it's okay to feel sad and mournful during this process.
Regarding your marriage, it's positive that you value your husband as a friend and father. It's understandable that you may not have intimate feelings for him right now, given what you've been through. It might be beneficial to explore your feelings in therapy, perhaps discussing ways to rebuild emotional connection with your husband or to navigate what your future might look like.
As for your business plans with your former affair partner, it's crucial to proceed with caution. While maintaining a professional relationship might be necessary for business purposes, it's important to establish clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. Continuing to engage with him in a way that respects his boundaries and your own emotional needs will be crucial in moving forward.
Lastly, loving yourself and rebuilding your self-esteem will be key in overcoming this pain. It's not about finding that same feeling with someone else but rather about finding fulfillment and happiness within yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and continue seeking guidance from your therapist as you navigate this challenging journey.
Take things one step at a time, and remember that healing is a gradual process. You deserve to feel whole again, and with time and self-care, you will find your way forward.
Take care of yourself,