Can't say no, but should I even say it?
This has been my problem for quite a long time. Especially when it comes to people close to me, I'm never able to say no whenever they ask me to do something. These are what often happen.
1. My parents almost always make me do errands for them, even when my siblings are relatively free.
2. My siblings often ask me for a help, especially with their homework, though they are actually able to finish it by themselves.
3. When my siblings are asked to do something, they often ask me to help them, though I always do the errands given to me by myself. Sometimes my parents make me help them.
Actually, I always feel honored (I feel like a reliable person) and I'd always love to help my family. But sometimes I want to have some time for myself without any pressures from anyone.
However, it's very difficult to say no to them. First, I feel obligated as a member of the family, especially as a child and a sister.
I also always think that perhaps my family does this to me because I always seem to have a lot of free time. I'm actually struggling to finish my undergraduate thesis right now, but I don't seem to be working on it everyday, so perhaps they think I'm always free.
And that just makes it even more difficult to refuse them, because I always see myself as a disappointment. I always think that refusing them will only validate this.
Is it okay to refuse my family? Am I a bad person for even thinking about it?
Most advice I've seen on this is that it's not just OK to say no, it's essential, because relationships work better when there are clear boundaries. And personally, I'd agree with that. You can easily find a ton of information and advice just by searching the Internet for relationship boundaries.
I imagine in your situation you maybe often have to choose between doing something difficult for yourself (in connection with your thesis, say) and doing something easy for someone else. The easy thing gives you a quick feelgood reward, but it leaves you struggling with the difficult thing. That's just in my imagination, though. If it's really happening it makes firm boundaries even more important. Something like a limit of one ask per person per day might work.
Perhaps another difficulty is that when you're doing intellectual work it doesn't raise any dust—others can't see that it requires effort and concentration. People sometimes have to get around this by getting away to a library or a park. It's why writers often have a cabin or a shed that no one else is allowed to set foot in.
If you always see yourself as a disappointment, that makes me wonder whether you've been getting that message from someone in your life, or maybe have done at some time in the past. I can only imagine that making your own decisions about what success means to you is the only way not to be a disappointment to yourself.
If you'd ever like to chat to me about these difficult issues, feel free to message me any time.
Oh, by the way, I recently watched a movie that deals with similar issues: Brooklyn
@immaddie