Communication Dead End

@WantingToDoBetter

while her reasons may be different .... i can only share my experience and hope you can catch a glimmer of something to help you...admire your list and attempts good job

in your example she had a plan of daughter to go out earlier............. although daughter did go out it did not meet her time frame / plan ........instead of telling you she wanted daughter why the time frame was important to her..... she seems to think you should understand her schedule / plan in her mind.

this continually happens in my world and small things but shows a lack of communication ... on both parties..... could give many examples ........ the one that sticks out is he drove my car a hatchback to store he pulls thru the parking space cause it is just so fast to drive right out i tried to say bad move ........ when we rolled groceries out he was like "how do we get them in" as someone pulled in behind us ..... told him there was a REASON i shook my head and you started explaining how you are RIGHT about pulling thru the spot .......... so now with people watching pull a bit more forward to remedy your Error and remember i TOO have a reason why i do things.

it has become a argument as i hate i have to explain... WHY ........ i do things a certain way ......when always feeling i need to defend my time frames/ plan etc

i always feel he wants me to tell him things that IMO should be self explanatory.

@WantingToDoBetter

If these things are starting now ... has anything changed recently .... I have become more sorry to say critical because i reached my limit.... maybe it is about wanting something different or seeing things differently about what you are doing ....

i mean listening WITH understanding ....... we have had conversations over and over i have to explain how i am feeling .......he nods his head like a model for a bobble doll and then goes right back to same pattern....

I know you reached out and asked her...... but if she wants change but has no solid example she cannot put her finger on it .......hard to communicate .... mine yells what is the plan like i have specific item that will fix everything and he can go back to his first love TV. ( funny when younger we never watched)

i asked for change......... So he wants me to go to whatever is on the local event calendar .......even if an item i have ZERO interest in ............he thinks he should get points on making an effort because he found an event neither of us like just to have a 👍 mark on we did SOMETHING.

I can read you are much more aware and can solve this ...... find a way some marriage counselors do questions like scenarios of what would you do if ..... some example and compare your responses.

@WantingToDoBetter

I appreciate you're trying to collect different opinions and ideas about the difficult crossroads you're currently navigating. I'll try to share my thoughts on your example -

Wife: I asked our daughter to go outside an hour ago and she didn't want to. Now she's outside and it's almost dinner. (She's expressing a specific complaint. She feels unheard and disrespected by your daughter. Also it's almost dinner so there is likely to be an impact on dinner plans now)

(I know that's not a question but she often makes statements and then stares at me till I answer or gets upset if I don't answer in time) (sometimes it's not a solution or answer one wants. It's acknowledgement that you understand what she said and respect her opinion. She isn't looking for validation or confirmation of her thoughts, she knows she's right.)

Myself: I guess she took some time to think about it and then went out. I can help her get ready for dinner if you'd like? (Ouch! You justified your daughter's behaviour which was being complained about. You explained to your wife why it's okay and if she is can't or won't manage the situation, you offer further to remedy by getting your daughter ready for dinner - which isn't why she told you)

(That wasn't the right answer and she became angry)

That's a scenario that has never happened before so I didn't know how to avoid the conflict. Do you have any tips on how to navigate through finding these unknown preferred answers? (When she's sharing that she's unhappy about something, listen. ONLY listen for the moment without simultaneously trying to come up with solutions or explanations. Acknowledge her, respect the fact that she knows how to solve the issues if she wants to, she is sharing because she needs you to understand how she feels. with your example, a suitable response might have been - "Oh? If she'd gone when you suggested she might have been back by now!" - that is simple acknowledgement of what she said without judgement, solutions or blame. It gives her the space to tell you whether she wants your help dealing with the situation, or whether she has a plan for talking to your daughter and wants your support, or whether she is happy to just let it go for a day, etc. It respects her ability to sort it.)

It was just my thoughts. I hope from the different perspectives shared, you are able to find the answers you need to make this work for you!