Dealing with infidelity admist religious trauma

Sorry in advance for the novel.

I'm currently trying to manage feelings of self-hatred, anxiety, depression, and existential dread, originating from my religious trauma, emotional abuse, and infidelity.

Almost exactly a year ago, I learned about my parent's infidelity. And for the next 4-5 months, we agreed to have an open relationship (a fear-based decision I made to keep her around, I realize now).

During those months, according to both of us, she seemed like a different person. She "gave up" on us multiple times, made temporary life plans with other people, and didn't seem to care about our daughter. All of which further destroy any sense of self or self-worth I had left from leaving a high demand religion that stripped me of my self-identity.

Without intentionally invalidating her experience, I assume the reason behind it stemmed from her childhood trauma and religious trauma (same religion) coupled with her new high dosage zolaft medication. But that doesn't mean that my brain lets me think that when I'm spiraling from a trigger. I default back to it being my fault; it being a me problem.

We've since closed our relationship (which at the time semantically just meant me cutting off ties with someone I'd made a connection with), and she's been extremely patient and understanding of my feelings. But it feels like I have little motivation in getting better because im in a constant state of anxiety and depression (I'm on zolaft too) that this will happen again. Like, as soon as I've recovered, the infidelity will happen again. And at least at this point in my life, I simply couldn't handle it happening.

Honestly idk what I'm trying to accomplish with this post, but at the very least I have somewhere I can look at a semi-coherent ramblings of my feelings.