Do I have
Im struggling to figure out whats going on in my relationship. A little background: Ive been dating a man (Im 26, hes 42) for nearly two years. It is my second relationship ever. We moved in together in August. I have a four year old daughter from my previous relationship (we were married for two years, he initiated the divorce, I slowly came to realize how emotionally abusive he was, I was single for two years after the divorce before meeting my current boyfriend). My boyfriend considers her his daughter and she loves him very much.
Everything up until the last four or five months has been wonderful. We were in a long distance relationship (me in OR, him in CA) and he visited every other week. He moved up to OR and we moved in together. Since about January, he seems to be losing interest in me. Affection (physical and verbal) is drastically reduced, he frequently seems annoyed with me over minor things (he responds in condescending tones to things I say), he definitely doesnt seem to enjoy my company the way he used to.
In October he was diagnosed with gout in his ankle and basically bedridden for a few weeks, and suffered another attack that lasted from Thanksgiving to a week or so after Christmas and also made him basically bedridden. He has since started a medication and had no more attacks.
During his attacks, I took care of everything for our home and family, and ran my business. I am the main breadwinner as he has been unemployed since moving in together (he receives unemployment and is able to cover our groceries and the Internet bill while I pay rent and other bills).
Well, I was very overwhelmed and stressed by all this and became somewhat depressed (still functional and fulfilling all of my responsibilities). That is when it felt like he began to pull away from me. I have had two or three conversations with him expressing that I need more positive praise/hugs/etc, less criticism/condescending remarks, and that I feel like he does not like being around me anymore. Somehow these conversations always end with him explaining how important a spotless house is to him and how I can clean xyz more efficiently. A few nights ago I brought it up again and he told me I need to be more likable and then hell feel like giving more affection. He wants me to smile more and not be moody.
I feel stuck and emotionally abandoned. Im trying to pretend Im cheerful all the time now because I just dont know what else to do. Is what he said normal or out of line? Since my only other relationship was abusive, its so hard for me to know whats typical and what, if anything, isnt right. Am I expecting too much from him? Does my need for support from him mean I have Daddy issues?
hey there. first of all, i feel compelled to say that i admire you for handling this as you have. i think in your shoes i would have broken down and cried; i wouldn't have it in me to try to be more cheerful. on that note, I'll get straight to the point; it's not at all normal to be demand more "likability" from your partner in order for you to provide them with love and support (the baseline of any relationship). already that's a dead giveaway. the second giveaway would be him trying to shift blame when you present him with a very clear request that is within his capacity (need more positive praise/hugs) and him deflecting (telling you to clean better instead of just addressing the reason he won't provide these very basic things for you).
you don't have daddy issues because you want your partner to support you as you support him. if that were the case, all of us would have mommy/daddy issues. what i see here is your partner not doing his part in your relationship, and trying to get away with it by pinning the blame on you.
i'd say that considering you're literally paying for the roof he's staying under, he at least owes you respect. if his health situation is causing him to be abrupt and cold with you, he needs to address that, and you need to stand your ground. trust and connection might not be restored instantly, but you guys need to arrive at a common ground where you at least can keep being functional and take care of yourself and your daughter, and he can take care of himself without bringing you down, if he can't take care of you.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply!
@Redskyi
@StealYourThyme I agree with the first reply @Redskyi. However, If you want to know if you actually have "Daddy Issues", I'm going to ask you some questions. You don't have to reply to me with your answers. Just ask yourself the questions and answer yourself. I you answer yes to 2 or more and/or relate to what I wrote below, you probably have "Daddy Issues":
1. Do you find yourself more attracted to older men more than men your own age?
2. Do you seem to be 90-100% submissive with men?
3. Do you have a rocky relationship with your dad? Or maybe he was absent? Or maybe he died when you were young? etc..
(We as humans tend to love what is familiar. So "Daddy Issues" is where we find relationships with men that are similar to what we had with our dad. If you like unavailable men (men who are married, older, etc..) It could mean that your dad was emotionally or physically unavailable). If you are drawn to men who turn out to be abusive or jerks etc... It could indicate that your dad was abusive or a jerk. If you have "Daddy Issues" you are constantly seeking what you can't have, while just ending up in a bad place or in a situation where they act similar to your dad. If you have it, you want that approval that you never got from your dad. You want to be noticed by a man, like your dad never noticed you or your accomplishments. Maybe you had a sibling that got all the attention. You get what I'm saying? You have to look and see if there are patterns. When you want what you can't have with a man, its like chasing something, and if you get it, you might be worthy. Like, if you can get something like a man who is unavailable, you think maybe it will fill the hole left by my dad. That's why the stereotype for women with "Daddy Issues" are sex workers or seen as super promiscuous. It's because there is some truth to it. Sex=validation from a man. It sounds crazy to a person who doesn't have "Daddy Issues" or someone who isn't self-aware as to why they do it)
I hope this helps at all. Good luck!
Yes, I am attracted to older men more than men my age. This has been true since I was in high school. I am very submissive.
My mom died when I was 13 and my dad raised my sisters and I alone from that point on. We had a good relationship and still do, but he is emotionally reserved. Ive only been with two men (my ex-husband who was just three years older than me, and my current boyfriend) so I dont think I can be considered at all promiscuous. Though I do have a high sex drive.
From those questions, it would seem I do have Daddy issues.
@Tori009
