Don’t take the argument personally
I have been married to my husband for 5 years and things are good but our communications stinks.
At least once a week, something small thing (like me not responding fast enough) “sets him off.” Then he starts to yell and it becomes a fight/ argument.
When I do respond during these situations it seems to amp him up more or is taken the wrong way (no matter what I say or how I say it).
When I don’t respond, it amps him up too. (Growing up, whenever my mom and I got into an argument - I wouldn’t say anything because it was always taken as “back talk” or having an attitude.)
He engages in the following: Name calling (selfish, immature, etc.), brings up topics from other times/ situations from the past (that have already been talked about multiple times), and reminding me how much financial support he gave during the beginning of our relationship while I was finishing grad school.
He says that his “blow ups” aren’t really about me and more about him/ work (I am the only one he really talks to/ sees besides employees).
I try my best not to take them personally but it is hard not to be affected. It takes me a few days after to regulate emotionally/ mentally and he thinks I shouldn’t need to do that because it isn’t about me.
I would appreciate any advice, direction, or anything.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It's good he can admit that he blows up because he is stressed about work and other stuff, but that doesn't mean he can just yell at you when he wants. He needs to do the work of learning how to self soothe and communicating better. Maybe that means having a lot of alone time to meditate/decompress after work before talking with you. Honestly, he really should have individual therapy as well. Good luck.
My husband also does this i wish there were a magic fix or anything to show him how mentally abusive he is being. I know how much healthier I could become if I just left but does he know this or care idk I’m to afraid to take that leap meaning his mental abuse is working it’s causing me to stay in an unhealthy environment and put my mental health at risk of getting worse or never getting better. My husband said no councilor and when I asked for our bank info he has been trying to make me feel wrong and he can’t trust me I’m n
known for my mental health to course me to take all the money and run. Or I’ll ask him what he is spending his money on it’s not right then tries to act like it’s bc he is concerned them when that didn’t work he cornered me and said what you don’t turf me me why do you really want the bank info you don’t trust me? And know I’m sitting in my truck stuck in fight or flight. c
My husband use to act this way.. he never put me through school or anything of that kind, I have always taken care of myself and my children. I put up with his crap for a very long time until I got tired of it. I had a talk with him, I was very calm during our conversation but I let him know if he ever tried to treat me badly, talk down to me or put me down that would be his last time ever in this life time. I am kind to him, loving towards him, and giving towards him and he will treat me the same or he won’t be around to treat me any other kind of way. We have been together 15 years so there’s a lot of bad and some good there, but I will not allow him to treat me badly not another day for any reason. If he has a bad day at work, he looks good leaving it at work. Our home should be a place of peace and restoration, not one of war. With all that going on we deserve to have peace in our homes. If we love we deserve that love back from our husbands. We are not they foot post! Or punching bags! Verbally, mentally or emotionally nor physically! We have to remember what marriage is about and get back to those values and live in them.