Find out what you really want

God where do I even begin?

Hi! My name is Kat and until mid-December, my 2019 was punctuated by a nagging, ever-present feeling of loneliness despite numerous whirlwind romances and flings.

In June, I confessed to someone I had known for three years that I had feelings for her. She reciprocated those feelings and everything was wonderful. The only problem was that she had recently been accepted into medical school and was slated to move across the country in August. Ouch. Despite the circumstances, we forged on and I had the most amazing three months I could ask for. And that's how the narrative went. We took the plunge, we had our fun, we said goodbye, and we left without any regrets. I was happy for her, she was happy for me, we were happy for the little amount of time we had together. Or so that's what I told myself and everyone around me. I don't know how true that was because early in September was when that loneliness really hit and I settled into a strange cycle. I'd meet someone, we'd hit it off, the chemistry would be wonderful, then boom! dealbreaker would hit and we'd go our separate ways.

I felt so alone, so desolate, despite always being surrounded by the people I love. The fact of the matter is that I'm in a strange, transitory period of my life where we're all just trying to reach these lofty goals and really just do something with our lives. And in the social circles I run around in, it means that nobody is really looking for anything serious right now. And I just couldn't accept that. There was a hole in my heart and I needed to fill it because goddamn, I wanted it so badly. What made things even more frustrating for me is that all other aspects of my life have been going so wonderfully. Anything that I really, truly wanted, I worked for it and I got it. So why was I falling so short here?

I was plagued by these questions and these perceived shortcomings, and as the end of the year grew closer and closer, I slowly accepted that 2019 would be another loss. That is, until mid-December when none other than the woman that moved across the country and left my broken heart in our hometown visited. At first, I was terrified. And after everything we had been through, and how much of a mess I had been, I had every right to be.

However, when I met up with her for dinner, we settled into a familiar rhythm, and sitting across from me wasn't that woman who left my broken heart in our hometown. Instead, it was the woman that I had built a loving, supportive relationship with. The love was still there, but it had changed. There wasn't any longing, heartbreak, or pain from the doomed romance we shared. Instead it was just an aura of mutual love and support. When it was time to say goodbye, we both promised that we'd stay in each other's lives for as long as we could, and we'd continue to kick ass and make each other proud. Because at the end of the day, we still love each other. Even if it's morphed into something completely different.

After that, I didn't feel lonely any more. I didn't have that ache. I didn't have that nagging frustration that something was wrong with me, or that fear that I'd stay alone and lonely. Heck, even my friends noticed that it had been a while since I asked about their single friends and colleagues. Because what I learned, dear reader, is that I was just trying to fill the hole that she had left behind. I never grieved, I never got closure, I never let the wound heal. I just slapped a wet rag over my gaping wound and pretended it didn't exist while it just festered. And now that I've gone and closed things up. I don't feel as alone because newsflash: I'm not. I just felt that way because I never let myself fully process what happened in August.

And I know that this situation is unique to me, but it does beg the question:

Are there any feelings that you're avoiding?

Thank you for reading.