Getting past lies
Hi, 7 years ago I met a woman and we both fell madly in love. I was open and honest and told her I was wasn't a very sexual person and usually avoided it at all cost, and takes me a while to be comfortable enough to have a physical relationship...she responded with I'm happy to wait and I want you to know I haven't been physical with anyone in over 8 years, I've always hated it as well. So that filled me with hope and comfort. When we finally were intimate she said it she avoided it for so long with others because she clearly needed me, and our sex life bloomed, was amazing. Anyway, a few years down the line she admitted to lying when we met, and there had been a lot of men before me...one night stands, sex buddies etc. And I feel completely lossed, my confidence has gone, and my want for sex has disappeared again. As well as now wondering all the time what else is a lie. I love her but I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed. Even though the other people were before me...it doesn't help me feel better.
Do you think that she was possibly afraid you would judge her for her past like you are now? Who someone once was is not who they are as people grow and it sounds by what you are saying that she grew... With you and that she loves you. I know the feeling of holding onto something for fear of what someone you love will think, for fear of losing them or it changing the way they see you or treat you. Why would she tell you now? Possibly because the guilt got too much and she didn't want things between you. Does that sound like someone who would lie about everything? I may be wrong completely as I don't know her but from what I see reading between the lines, she was afraid you would turn on her and not love her if she told you the truth about her past. She trusted you enough to open up now and tell you the truth and this is how you are rewarding that honesty
@wishonastar84,
well said.
I could imagine it felt like a big betrayal but you need to ask yourself why. It seems like the actions of someone who was afraid... Afraid of losing your love because she valued it that much, afraid of rejection. As you said... She also fell madly in love. She trusted you with her truth. What are you going to do about it?
@Twistednerve87
The only likely way that you've discovered about her sexual past is if she's confided in you and told you the truth. I have no idea why couples do this to themselves because it's beyond destructive in so many ways. The past must stay the past, it cannot be changed, no matter how badly we wish it were different. The guilt must have been eating her conscience because she came clean, and hoped for grace and mercy because what you both have built now is far better than she'd ever imagined or expected. So, take that as you will. It's likely that her past sexual experiences were no match for what she shares with you, which I believe you've stated that already.
Let it go. Forgive her. Put it all behind you. You have the right to feel the way you do, and you can tell her that you're disappointed, and feeling betrayed, but that you love and care about her -- wanting to see this through. There is no reason to end this relationship, especially with those events that happened before you were even together. If you'd written that she'd been cheating all this time and continued lying about other things, I'd suggest a different path, but that is not what I read.
I fully understand where you're coming from in this situation and I can easily see through your eyes how bad this is and why you have taken such an offense to what she's done. However, find some compassion, forgive, and do not allow that situation to infect and destroy what you both have built over the years. Honestly, it is not worth it.
People are not perfect. She wasn't either. Yet, she met you - and she's coming clean to clear her conscience but also because she wants no secrets between you. That is commendable, not something she should be punished for.
Do as you will, it's your life, your relationship, and just my two cents.