Hard situation with my girlfriend
Recently my girlfriend has been acting very distant and has rarely been texting me. I noticed this and asked her about it when she came to my place the next day and it all came out. She told me about how she lost all her feeling for me but didn
@Tkraft13
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
Recently my girlfriend has been acting very distant and has rarely been texting me. (This is an indication she has been losing attraction for awhile, but she hasn't communicated things in a direct manner) I noticed this and asked her about it (You did the right thing here, its unfortunate she didn't communicate this the moment she felt this way) when she came to my place the next day and it all came out. She told me about how she lost all her feeling for me (I don't like the way she waited to tell you this after she has lost all of her feelings. Its why is important to be with someone who can communicate. She didn't behave like an adult here) but didnt want to give up since I was everything shes ever wanted and didnt know why she was feeling this way. I came to the conclusion that I should give her some space since I was a bit clingy and let her have time to herself. (This probably has to do with anxiety. You probably did a lot for her and over invested in her, so this will make her feel trapped.) After three days of only letting her be the first one to contact me she asks if she can come over. I said yes of course and When she gets to my place she tells me the space was helping but she thought if she saw me all her emotions would come back. (She thinks that emotions would comeback in the blink of an eye. They are things happening in the relationship that made her feel a certain way, but at the same time she is having certain unreasonable expectations) Unfortunately they didnt so we had multiple long talks and I told her in the end I just want what will make her happy. We spent the rest of the night together and when we woke up this morning she rolled over and gave me the biggest hug and told me shes starting to feel it again. (Her emotions are all over the place.) Shes said its like 25-50% there but Im just happy at least something is there.(She tells you one day "I lost all of my feelings", three days later "I thought my feelings would comeback if i see you", and then a day later "Oh wait, its 25-50% back". She is behaving very inconsistent with you, and unsure of what she even wants. I would be very careful with someone like her, none of her behavior are coming across as being considerate of how this makes you feel) What advice can I have to make sure she gets all the feelings and attraction back and doesnt lose them? (Honestly? nothing...I dont think she is worth any investment after the way she is being inconsisten and her emotions all over the place. Her words will put you into a mindset of "I have to do something", when in reality she doesn't know how she feels and didnt communicate things when it happen)
@freshLight64 first off thank you very much for the reply and help youve given me. Its crazy how you pinpointed parts of our relationship with only reading a short paragraph. Youre completely right when it comes to when Ive invested a lot into her but at the same time shes invested even more into me. Like I mean a lot more. And she even told me that she still loves me but its like she cant stand being around me. She loves how our families love each other and she doesnt want to leave. But when she tells me she doesnt feel it anymore I get so confused. Shes definitely emotionally all messed up so I mean I think the best thing I could do for her is probably give her space to figure out how she really feels. And also not sure if this means anything but everything was fine and she so happy and loving up until last Tuesday. We got into a decently bad accident the night before and after that everything changed...
@Tkraft13
You are welcome, I'm glad my response helped you. Can you tell me more about the accident?
@freshLight64 I was driving her car and it was pretty wet out when this happened. We were on our way back to my apartment when the two cars ahead of us slammed on their brake and began swerving to avoid hitting each other. I did the same since car had next to no breaks and someone plowed into the us. She ended up taking the blame since it was her car and was given a warning and was made to pay the deductible by her parents. She wouldnt let me pay the whole deductible only half.
@Tkraft13
I don't know if the accident played a role on what happened because I didn't see any of her facial expressions or how she behave the next day. I do feel that she might not have a mature understand of how emotions and feelings work. There's a chance she might feel that love is something that you feel in your chest, and if you don't feel how you feel in the beginning stages of dating then it means "you have lost all of feelings". This kind of thinking will affect the relationship because she will often back away since she is not feeling like in the honeymoon phase.
I do believe you may have felt like "She's my girlfriend so I have to do so much for her, specially when she is doing so much" however this actually made her invest less in doing things. You may have put a lot of pressure on yourself to make her happy, and this may have make her feel smothered
@freshLight64 I mean during the whole accident she knew I wasnt the same person after it. Ive never been in an accident before and it seriously left me sleepless many nights and was very mentally challenging. I know its hard for you to judge a relationship especially since you werent in it so Ill try and fill you in. It all started 5 months ago when I met her on my college campus. Right away I could tell she was battling something but we both felt a strong connection and immediately started spending almost everyday together. As I got to know her better I realized she was previously in a relationship just a few weeks prior and the guy treated her like absolute crap and he kept messaging her and stalking her even when her and I started dating. This whole thing went on for a few months until we found a way to cut all communication (her choice btw I wasnt forcing anything or being demanding). After that we had an amazing relationship and all went well up to the accident. Now we did spend a lot of time together. And I mean a lot. So I think when that happened she realized she was burnt out from being with me so much and instead of talking to me she decided to start to slowly lose feelings. Not just that but she would get angry and annoyed at me for stuff that made no sense to make a scene out of. Stuff like we were shopping and I moved the cart out of the way for someone but I guess since I moved it to the left side instead of the right side of her it annoyed her
@Tkraft13
Thank you for letting me know more information. I'm seeing more things about her. Did you seek a lot of support after the accident, if so how much and how did she respond? What else made her mad out of no where during the last couple of months?
@freshLight64 I really only needed some support for the day after and maybe just one time the following day and I wasnt even upset she was just giving me reassurance. She hasnt been mad at me previously over the months. This has only happened since basically last Wednesday. We hung out Thursday and went out to eat and while we were driving there she told me how she felt and was just so rude and mean to me. She has never been like that ever before to me. We both treated each other with a lot of respect and never said harmful things. But yet after I calmly took all of it she said that she wants us to work out. Then throughout the rest of the day she would yell and get angry at me for stupid things like mispronunciations or just being in her way when I really wasnt even close to her.
@Tkraft13
I mean during the whole accident she knew I wasnt the same person after it. Ive never been in an accident before and it seriously left me sleepless many nights and was very mentally challenging. (Its understand you felt this way, it was a first time accident so it was bound to affect you. I do feel that whats behind all of this is feeling guilty and the "i should have done this and that", often inner critics) I know its hard for you to judge a relationship especially since you werent in it so Ill try and fill you in. It all started 5 months ago when I met her on my college campus. Right away I could tell she was battling something but we both felt a strong connection and immediately started spending almost everyday together. (This is a strong sign that each other behavior felt familiar such as similar traits of each other parents, so the unmet needs took over here) As I got to know her better I realized she was previously in a relationship just a few weeks prior and the guy treated her like absolute crap (This can be considered a red flag, usually when someone stays in a relationship with someone who mistreats them is a sign they are looking to feel loved, they dont value themeselves and dont want to be alone) and he kept messaging her and stalking her even when her and I started dating. Now we did spend a lot of time together. And I mean a lot. So I think when that happened she realized she was burnt out from being with me so much and instead of talking to me she decided to start to slowly lose feelings. (Things got too close, the fantasy didn't exactly met the reality, so its where she started to back away. She projected a fantasy and unmet needs on you, so when things got too close or when your actions showed you were more invested is where she felt scared.) Not just that but she would get angry and annoyed at me for stuff that made no sense to make a scene out of. Stuff like we were shopping and I moved the cart out of the way for someone but I guess since I moved it to the left side instead of the right side of her it annoyed her. (This is an indication we are dealing with someone who is not emotionally mature. I dont think the cart was the issue, it was because she didn't feel like she was taken care of (not your fault). You will end up walking on eggshells with someone like this, and it will become a hurtful relationship)
I really only needed some support for the day after and maybe just one time the following day and I wasnt even upset she was just giving me reassurance. She hasnt been mad at me previously over the months. (This is a red flag, specially when she kept getting over silly things. I suggest you dont ignore this because she is showing how she simply can't do relationships) This has only happened since basically last Wednesday. We hung out Thursday and went out to eat and while we were driving there she told me how she felt and was just so rude and mean to me. (This is another red flag, now she is mistreating you. Her actions are telling me she is not taking into consideration how you feel. This behavior of her will get worst the further she gets attach to you or when you dont do what she expects) She has never been like that ever before to me. We both treated each other with a lot of respect and never said harmful things. But yet after I calmly took all of it (You took all of that because you became afraid of losing her. You allowed her to mistreat you, and she will lose respect for you over the time. This is not a person who is emotionally healthy) she said that she wants us to work out. (No with how all over the place she is in terms of emotions...)Then throughout the rest of the day she would yell (This is another red flag. She is yelling as a form of impatience and control...Imagine yourself being with this woman for 10 years while she is showing these behaviors...is not going to be fun) and get angry at me for stupid things like mispronunciations (This is iritability, impulsive and manipulative behavior. She is now getting mad for things she shouldn't have to, and then shifting the blame on you. She is not behaving like a person who is secure) or just being in her way when I really wasnt even close to her.
@freshLight64 listen Im not really too worried about it anymore. Youre right shes not mentally okay right now. The best thing for me to do is back off and give her the space she needs to figure out whats going on in her life. And honestly if I get hurt in the long run Ill get over it. This is a new side of her and its only happened within the past week. We spent too much time together and it caught up to us. We will work it out. Itll take some time but I know it will work. Call me crazy all you want but if her and I work this out and end up happy then thats all I care about. This life is too short so fill it with as much joy and happiness as possible. I already plan on taking the time I give her space to do so much stuff. And when she comes back Ill get to tell her everything I did and shell love that about me that Im strong and confident and mentally sound