Help, I don’t feel okay

I'm going to be honest. I don't think I have much qualifications to say the advice I'm going to tell you because I'm practically in the same shoes as you. The only difference I would honestly say is I have seen my girlfriend and I have been able to talk to her and stuff in person and spend time with her. But the advice I would honestly have to give you is that It's best to find a way to not be attached. You may feel as if that you might not exactly be as attached as you know you could possibly be, but in a way you are attached due to the longevity of how long you've been together with him. Let alone being across countries which makes it far more difficult. You should also know that none of what you have said is your fault. You have done everything in your power to express yourself and you have ever right to feel the way you do. The issue comes from him and him alone. From that point there is nothing you can do except either wait for him or in the best case scenario stand up for yourself. You have every right to feel the way you do. And unfortunately, I understand not wanting to let go because I am currently in that right now. So my best advice and my best perspective would have to be just to detach yourself as much as you can so that way you can grow on your own without needing him that much and if it becomes a problem for him then that's on him. Unfortunately there's not that much I can tell you as I understand that you probably will not want to let him go and I understand that. Which is why I only say that you should distance yourself the best you can and not in the sense of giving him his own medicine which is not healthy. What I mean is just give yourself the space that you need so that way you can feel strong without him being there. I'm very sorry about your situation. I would like to say hi no very well what you're feeling.

OK - so if you read your post, you will notice you mention your FEELINGS a lot, whereas when you talk about your partner HE is more about the things he has to DO, how busy he is with work and school etc (action oriented); and when it comes to feelings he is largely getting annoyed/frustrated and defensive. Right?

I think in a long distance relationship there is a very real boundary that partners have to acknowledge. When your partner needs support, you can’t just drop whatever you’re doing and give them a hug. You can’t give them physical affection or smile at them from across the room, or take them for a drive to forget their unhappiness. Rather, partners in old distance relationships need to be there for one another in different ways - through texting, constant reassurance in voice chats or social media or however they can make it work. I think maybe the distance and effort of the relationship has been putting a strain on you both; and for him he wants to focus on his study and his work right now - which is why he’s being more “Practical” and “action oriented” and is addressing the things in his life that he can DO something about. Whereas your attention is on your relationship, your feelings, you’re missing him, your emotional needs for support. So when he is focused on action and his own needs to address the things going on in his life he might have felt not in a good position to address all those other things that you needed, he might not have felt CONNECTED to the things you wanted him to provide. That’s why he responded with frustration instead of support; why he felt like you were picking a fight instead of feeling sympathetic when you started crying. Not because you were wrong to want those things; but because maybe part of him misinterpreted your need for support as an accusation that the relationship was inadequate in ways that he can’t change right now.

Also, if he says “ALWAYS” picking a fight - I am inferring that the challenge of the distance is not new to your relationship and may have been causing some difficulty for some time. Especially if you suddenly felt overwhelmed by it and cried the way you did it’s probably been building up inside you. He may be feeling like there isn’t much he can offer by way of support since nothing changes the distance in the end. Long distance relationships do experience a different kind of exhaustion compared to other relationships in this way ..

His instinct may have been “What can I DO about it?!” in terms of changing something or practical solutions; Instead of what you wanted which was understanding and sympathy and EMOTIONAL support.

Hope this gives you something to consider! For the time being just let things calm down. Talking about things when you’re both tense is never productive. Clear your mind, bring your energy down. Drink some water, focus on your breathing. It’s OK. Misunderstandings happen. And when you are in a better space, just explain yourself.

Say that you don’t want to fight with him. That you love and care for him and respect his goals and ambitions and like that he is committed to his own success. Just acknowledge that it has been hard for you sometimes with the distance -and that you miss him. Tell him you didn’t mean to start crying, that you’re really trying your best. Set a little time to talk even if it’s just 5 minutes. Send a voice recording. Sing him a song. Send him a meme. Something lighthearted that shows you’re thinking of him. And don’t pressure him to respond a certain way. Give him SPACE. If people respond with defensiveness it sometimes means they feel crowded, that their boundary is being crossed. Take some time to let the situation de-escalate.

Wishing you all the best!

CatsInTheCradle

@diplomaticEast1814
Hello there,

After reading your post, I must say I truly understand what you are going through. It must be challenging for you to deal with your emotions and feelings because it all just feels like too much. I understand you expected some comfort and love from your partner but didn't receive it as you expected it. I'm going, to be honest with you. Long-distance relationships are usually very difficult because there is no physical presence of the person and there's always something missing. It takes 10 times more effort to deal with a long-distance relationship. Maybe your partner is really busy and isn't able to deal with his emotions or feelings in this relationship and thinks it's too much work. Maybe he feels that there is already so much work and this is just extra work and responsibility for him that he is not ready to take on.

I understand your feelings for him are intense but maybe this just isn't the right time to deal with this. Let him make his life and you, focus on yours. Build yourself to be the best version of yourself because now, you have the best opportunity to work on yourself.

You mentioned that he was being rude to you right? So why do you have to deal with the rudeness? Tell him that you'd be happy if he focused on his life and achieves his dreams. You also have to show him some support and understanding in that sense.

You have a family that loves you, health that lets you enjoy your every day and a beautiful home. Focus on yourself for the moment because what is meant to be, will be. If this door looks like it's closing on you, it's only because there is a new door waiting for you to open it. :)

I understand you must feel afraid and sceptical but do what's best for you, my friend. Use this time to work on yourself :) Explore your individuality and be the best version of yourself :)

@diplomaticEast1814

Hello I understand what you are going through has been really tough and taking a toll on your mental health.I have been through something like this in my past relationship where I was blaming myself for feeling certain things I felt.I know these times seem vulnerable but relationship is always two wayed and if your boyfriend isnt willing to put the effort and communicate it could be tricky to move forward.Getting too attatched or expecting things can hurt us more than the other person but everyone deserves to be treated with respect and love.I am sorry that this phase has been so tough for you and you felt that your feelings seemed ignored how are you holding up?

@diplomaticEast1814 I didn’t read the text but the title says you want help so don’t worry we are here for you. you can do this