Hi, just needed to get this off my chest
This maybe a long one, so thanks for reading.
I met my partner 20 years ago and we were friends before anything else, we started getting close and I realised that i had feelings for him and we ended up getting together.
It was wonderful, we were so in love. We both had our own places but he practically moved in with me, I didnt mind as i didnt want to be away from him. Everything was perfect! Then we moved into our first place together and everything went downhill from there. Hus mental health declined quickly and was basically laying in bed all day and i was left to fend for me and the kids.
I didn't know how to cope and how to ask for help either and to my shame i never got him help, couldn't keep up with the housework, laundry etc and the bills were spiraling out of control. It got so bad that we ended up losing the houseband had to move to temporary accommodation for a bit until we found a place. Our benefits were cut so i was using the money his mum left him to tryband at least keep a roof over our heads, that didn't happen.
When we went into temp he found out the money was gone and rightly got angry with me, hebsat me down and we spoke and hebsaid he wasn't leaving me but we needed a fresh start. When we got our new place it was ok for a bit i was keeping on top of things and it was going good. Then it starting happening again, me digging my head in the sand and not asking for help and it has got us into so much trouble but he has stood by me and has tried to help undo all the damage my childhood caused but nothing works, i been to therapy so many times and i get better for a bit and then just slip back.
Recently the arguments having gotten more heated on his side and his words are cutting sharper now, he days its to at least get some reaction from me and to make me say something.(I normally stand there and not say a word, because how can you argue when you know the other person is right)
It has come to a head now and he has emotionally disconnected from me. I would like to add that loyalty has always been a big thing to us. And even in the darkest times none of us strayed or even thought about it. But the other day he was locked out of youtube and asked me to get him back in (he's not to tech savvy and forgets passwords) i happily helped but could not remember the password myself so i reset it and went to his email to get the code, his email is full of different dating and chat site. Naturally i looked for his profile and found him under "still looking for soulmate" I know i deserve this for being a terrible partner and mother but it still crushed my soul as what i know about him this truly means any love he had for me is now gone forever. Im so stupid for not changing sooner and now ive lost the best thing i ever had.
@quietOak4002 First and foremost, I want you to know that you are not a terrible partner or mother. It's incredibly challenging to handle all the responsibilities on your own, especially when dealing with your partner's declining mental health. It's not your fault that you couldn't keep up with everything or that you struggled to ask for help. Your partner's mental health is not your responsibility, and it's important to remember that.
It's also crucial to recognize that your partner's behaviour towards you, including insulting you and emotionally disconnecting from you, is not acceptable. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and understanding, especially during difficult times. No one deserves to be subjected to emotional abuse or infidelity.
You are not stupid for not changing sooner. You've been doing your best to navigate a challenging situation, and it's okay to have moments of vulnerability and uncertainty. What matters now is taking care of yourself and prioritizing your own well-being.Please remember that you are worthy of love and respect, and you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued and appreciated. If you need someone to talk to or support in finding help and resources, please don't hesitate to reach out 💚
Hi there,
It sounds like you are in so much pain, and I can see you are really being so hard on yourself. I completely understand where you're coming from, given the extremely challenging situations you have faced. I can sense sadness, pain and grief in your story, and I think I would feel a lot of the same emotions were I in your situation.
I think it is so wonderful and brave of you to share your story. It takes a deep amount of courage to do so, and to see our own part in the dynamics of any relationship. As someone else has mentioned, it takes two people to create the good in a relationship, and also the bad. You are worthy of love, care, kindness and I can see you are doing your absolute best to show up in all the different roles of your life that you occupy. You are getting help by even posting on this forum, so I hope you can see how hard you are trying and all the effort you are making.
I see a resilient, hardworking person who has done their absolute best to stand by their family during times of crisis, and who maybe is not giving themselves enough credit. I truly hope you can show yourself some of the love you are giving to your partner and your family.
You deserve the love you have been giving. I am going thru much the same dealing with spouse with mental illness, one side marriage where one gives and the other takes. No matter how much you sacrifice it is never good enough. Always putting others first, and getting nothing in return. I truly wish you the best.
@quietOak4002
Hey, first off, thanks for sharing this with us. It takes real courage to share this. And i understand why you might be feeling that it is your fault but trust me and i cannot emphasize this enough, a realtionship always need two people for things to work out. Its just that you had your own issues and had to deal with them. But i also see that even in such distressful situation, you did everything you could to make it work out. And sometimes we dont give ourself enough credit for all the courage and resilience and the perseverance we show in such times, i think you deserve that credit. And relationships are complex and they take time and they also take several trials. Its okay. Just focus on yourself, take care of yourself and also, remember that it was NOT your fault coz you did everything you could. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack because of all the things we have been through.
Alrighty thats all, hope it helps. Take care :) and feel free ro reach out to me or anyone on the platform whenever you feel like talking to someone, or jist venting out. We will all be here to listen to you. Byee