How do I find security in myself and relationship
So I’m a graduate student who has to live in random housing each year so I don’t pick who lives with me. There was 7 of us last year and now 7 again. The only difference is last year the roommates didn’t both us. I actually met my boyfriend that’s my roommate through this program because he lives in my house. So we started dating last year hasn’t been a full year yet. Anyway, he used to do a lot of nice things for me and follow me around everywhere and always think and do things for me but not so much or not as much anymore now that the new people moved in which is fine because maybe it’ll go back to the way it was when everything settles.
Now there’s a lot to unpack here. There’s 4 guys in the house now which is good for him he loves that and 3 girls (including me). I have really really bad crippling anxiety and i’m extremely emotional/sensitive and i know i’m trying to work on it but the girls already know each other from their ungrad school and are already bffs won’t leave each others side and i’m trying to talk to them but it’s like i’m being ignored or a third wheel but then the one girl LOVES to follow my boyfriend around and ask for his vape and go into his room or even just scream his name for attention. I told my boyfriend she makes me feel insecure and i’m scared he’ll want her and not me anymore and he reassured me it’s nothing to worry about and to trust him. I never had a reason in the past before to not trust him but i still don’t trust this situation and it’s a lot im dealing with right now in my head. Just feeling left out of their friendship, mad bc she’s trying to take my place or think she is, and how do i get rid of this anxiety.. I just want this year to be a good one, after this year is up him and i move out which is good but idk if we’re staying here in this state or going back to our home town in the other state (because we are from the same hometown)
You can literally rip me apart in the comments I know it’s so stupid to write all this down and read it back like what am i worried for but guess what i’m extremely worried and it’s the only thing on my mind legit eating it away so please help me in those areas^^^^ thanks !!!
First of all, as a guy I'll have to say that other girl sounds annoying af. There's your guy perspective. These are generally the type of girls that guys with self respect avoid. We may treat them well to avoid hurting their feelings but would we love for them to vanish? Yes. So try to relax. He chose you. That's huge. Don't minimize that. Maximize it. Other girls want him. You've got him.
Second, you're still going to feel anxiety. That's how anxiety is; it will always find something to attach to. But try to separate it from your relationship because it will cling to it and do some very messed up things to it. Basically, you'll start to get dependent on the relationship to soothe your anxiety and that puts a lot of stress on it. So it's probably a whole new topic, and one that I could probably help with, but do try and separate your anxiety.
Lastly: do people really criticize each other here and make them feel worse for being insecure and vulnerable? If so that's effed up. If that happens, try to ignore them and remember that there are more people who sympathize with you but maybe don't speak up. Because many people feel, and would feel, just like you are feeling. I really wish you the best.
Thank you for your guy perspective I really appreciate it. I just have to keep repeating to myself the things you said about maximizing the fact he chose me. I need to remember that because when I’m feeling insecure or jealous i’m not thinking about it like that, but you’re right I should start holding myself worth up higher because she might wish she was me so she could have him. I am trying to separate my anxiety from the relationship because he never cheated or did anything to give me a reason to not trust him, but it’s happened to me in the past a few times so thats where my anxiety partly comes from. So I guess I just have to trust him and hope for the best. Also i’m very silent about what I’m going through so it has been eating at me for over a week now which sucks, but I’m trying to rewire my thinking. Thank you again for all your great advice and perspective!
I don't really have any advice, but I'm here to say that I feel you. I'm really struggling to trust that my boyfriend wants to be with me and actually likes me. We've only been together for about 3 months, but I've been slowly falling in love with him and it's absolutely terrifying me because I can't imagine him ever loving me (through no fault of his, I might add, it's probably just all in my head). I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with all of this, but I find that it helps to know that there are others who are struggling with insecurity and somehow still managing to make their relationship work. :)
Yes it’s definitely comforting and eye opening to know others go through what we are going through. I’ve been told so many times I need to just trust, easier said than done. But at the end of the day there is no relationship without trust and I really want my relationship to work so I have to trust and if he hurts me or chooses someone else he wasn’t meant to be, he wasn’t the one for me, and it’ll suck so bad but it’ll be his loss because I was always true to him. So all we can do is try to kick that anxiety voice in our heads and remind ourselves all the good things we have to hold onto. My boyfriend has never cheated on me and seemed like he wanted to so I can’t just assume he will because people in my past relationships have. He’s not them so I have to give him the benefit out the doubt and wait and see how he is. It’s scary giving all your feelings to one person, but it’ll be worth it if the other person feels the same way and shows it in return. We got this!! :)