How do I proceed?
my boyfriend lost his job back in May. since then, things have been hard for him, not just financially, but also mentally. He was working 2 jobs at the time and then started working his second job full time. in the mean time, he's making a very low wage, which I know is what he has to do right now. He has had plenty of time to look for work. He hasn't put much effort into it, but it's affected our relationship because I feel that it's taken time away from us. we've also been fighting about it over the last few months. well, one night last week he got mad and yelled at me. someone called the police. they showed up and we told them things were fine. the next day he said he wanted a break, for about a month. however, we have taken so many breaks because he shuts down and feels it's better to process things alone when things upset him. I have been very patient and supportive to him through all those breaks, they have all been his idea. however, this time I got sick of it. things were going okay until last night when I told him that I just couldn't give him a month this time. that I feel being in a serious relationship we should be able to get through the hard times together at this point. how many more of his breaks do I have to put up with? I also told him last night I was only going to give him 3 more days. he said that once the cops are involved, he'd rather be by himself. I asked him what he meant by that. he said he'd rather break things off than have them involved. it really was not even an issue at the time. no one got into trouble. that I felt it was better not to talk during those three days. this morning I texted him and apologized. I said that I wanted to work things out. that I wanted to compromise and how about we make it one more week instead. he responded and said that he needs that time to himself after he gets angry. then he told me that we're always going to be fighting about his work schedule. that I don't want him to work. which isn't true at all. he's said this sort of thing off and on since we've been fighting about this. I sent him a message back telling him that. and I'm not sure if he really thinks that, or is saying it to upset me. I told high I wanted to work things out, that that's not true that I don't want him working. I haven't heard fromhim since this morning. this is unusual considering we have been communicating several times a day since he said he wanted a month break. we've been talking like things are fine up until last night when I had to set boundaries. it's about the breaks. we've taken enough of them. now I am not sure if I haven't heard from him because I said to let's take a few days to think about things and not talk, or if we broke up. it's hard to tell and it's quite blurred. honestly though, I am sick of these breaks he needs because he shuts down and can't handle hard things. I feel I was right in standing my ground . but I am not sure what to do at this point. have I ruined things, or is he just thinking about stuff?
@pluckyPapaya5662 Hi. Just guessing that you’ll hear from him soon. But some questions. Can you look back on the interaction when the police came, and rewind to the initial part of the argument. At that point, he said something and you responded, or vice versa. If you remember that interaction, is it anything like the other fights? Just something that might help as there is a theory we repeat these things. Also if you can remember this exchange, can you imagine what he was thinking and feeling at that moment? If so, can you imagine how maybe you might have responded that would have made him feel heard, cared about, respected? Those insights and actions can turn an argument “off” quickly. But usually we focus on facts and details, and an argument is about emotions way more than details. I’m not trying to take sides. No judgement from me if he was right or wrong.
Now having said that, yeah I agree, a long break for each squabble might be a bit hard to take. His history, perhaps arguing with parents or siblings, etc. might have some effect on how he handles arguments with you. I agree that he should learn to resolve instead of run.
The cops came huh? So, that usually happens when people scream and or throw things, or go on for a very long time screaming, or just when you have neighbors who like to call the cops for anything and everything. But he said he didn’t like it getting to that point? Rhetorical question - who might have put more energy into that fight or kept it going? Can you take yourself out of the argument and kind of observe from an outside perspective? At what point could the whole cops thing have been avoided? I wouldn’t have wanted that to happen to me. It could result from anything anything to embarrassment to outright danger, no matter that no one was arrested. I’d have to agree with him it was a big deal.
You can apologize for the “facts in the case” (I didn’t mean to say that, or I never meant you should not be working), but the experience of the fight, kind of sticks around - the emotional experience is way more important. For both of you, BUT this has to be solely you. You take care of your side of the street. The book, Feeling Good Together, by Dr. David Burns can help turn arguments like this around. It’s a bit of an investment, in time, the book is cheep. The payoff might be worth it.
— All the best