Husband has feelings for his affair partner
I've been with my husband for 12 years, married for 4 years, towards the end of June this year I found out he had been having an affair with another woman since March this year. Since finding out he has managed to convince me on 3 occasions that he wants to try and get our relationship back on track and be the man he used to be. However, each time he doesn't cut off communication with the OW and hides the fact he's still talking to and seeing her. He says he has feelings for her so moving on from their relationship to work on our marriage is hard for him. I feel like if he really wanted our marriage to work then he would just cut her out his life and stop feeling sorry for himself, but I also don't want him if he's just going to pretend he's over her or continue to see her behind my back. I love him and I want more than anything to move forward in a positive way together but I just don't know where or how to start with him? I know I sound gullible and naive but any advice welcome.
@Lottielotts Honestly, if he has been repeating this behavior then it looks like he isn't going to stop. He may love you and it must be devastating after having been together for such a long time. But if it has been 3 separate occasions it doesn't look like he means what he says.
You will have to decide what is good for you and what you will accept. You can try counseling and what not, but if he continues to hide that he keeps talking to the other woman, it doesn't sound like he ever intends to stop.
@ReadBooksDrinkTea
I think my trouble is that I'm not ready to let go until I feel like we've tried everything, but I fear I'm just going to end up breaking my own heart by fighting for someone who isn't 100% in this relationship? I just want my best friend back.
We are on a waiting list for relationship counselling and my husband has just been diagnosed with depression which is also having a huge affect on us both
@Lottielotts I'm really sorry. :( I hope it works out for you.
@Lottielotts,
Depression is not an excuse for cheating.You did not cause the depression,cannot control it and cannot cure it.You can just be there for him to support him but it is for him to do the work.
If you start mothering him,it's a sign of co-dependent behaviour.Take care of you first and don't sink yourself for him!
@Lottielotts,
Sorry you are going through this but so.ebody having an affair is not something to just ignore and move on.First of all,it means they have chosen to do it,it didn't just happen,don't feel sorry for him,he is a grown-up man and the explanation "It just happened,I don't know how", or "I got carried away" should not be accepted.He should be accountable for his own actions.Don't pity him or excuse him,you are not his mother or his therapist ,you are his partner.Concentrate on your feelings,people who cheat know what they are doing,find some articles to read on this topic and you will see how human behaviour works.Detach from him and the situation and let him work out his issues,you have your own pain to deal with.He has the explaining to do,it's not your fault that he has cheated,don't let him convince you that it is.It's NEVER the partner's fault,doesn't matter what the cheaters say, which is usually put the blame on their partner."If you had treated me better,I wouldn't have done it".Don't listen to such nonsense.Take care of you first.Deal with your emotions first,don't start fixing his emotions.It's for him to do!You should ask yourself if it's worth going on after this,can you handle a future together,how do you see it and what will your place be in it?My son's father cheated on me,so I definitely know what I am talking about ,how it felt and how much anger I had.Your self-worth goes to zero at that moment and you feel like nothing makes sense anymore but show some love to you,stop mothering him or feel sorry for him,,he is not a child.Let him worry about the consequences,you should think about you first!Hope this helps and take care!
@intellectualCake2979
I found out this morning that my Husband has been having all sorts of sexual encounters with various women for at least the last 3 years, ranging from kissing and private messaging to threesomes. The latest instalment being last night, meeting one girl in town and then going back to his affair partner's house.
I have packed as much of his stuff into a suitcase as I can and dropped it at his brother's place which is where he's been staying the last 8 weeks. I called his phone to just say I want a divorce but he wouldn't pick up so I sent him a message via Facebook and have since blocked him from all my social media.
Now what do I do? I'm still in a state of shock and I know this hasn't set in yet, what is the best thing for me to do right now?
@Lottielotts do you have friends/family around?
@pioneeringZebra877
At the moment I have one friend who I have been to see and speak to this afternoon, I do have my mum and the family on her side, however I feel really reluctant to tell her anything, she doesn't even know that my Husband has been living at his brother's. She suffers from anxiety and depression and has a lot going on in her life right now that I know she will disregard my feelings and just get get overwhelmed with how all this will affect her. I don't need that added stress right now.
@Lottielotts well as long as you have someone supporting you. I completely understand how you are feeling. I am having to come to terms with my husband wanting a divorce because he is sleeping with someone. It
@pioneeringZebra877,
I am so sorry that you are going through this,I know what it feels like,.my son's father cheated on me and tried to gaslight me that I was imagining things .In.case you don't have a shoulder to cry on,you can start journaling about it to let it all out!Keep posting here as well to vent but most of all start working on you because if you attract such toxic people in your life,you have some issues of your own,otherwise next time it will happen again!Start healing your own wounds,practise self-love and self-care!Show yourself the love you expect from other people,you totally deserve it,we all do!hope this helps,take care!
@Lottielotts,
I so feel for you,it's terrible the stuff you are going through,I can only say that it will take time for you to recover from the shock so be very gentle to yourself,don't judge yourself too harshly that you got yourself in such a situation,it's not your fault!You have done the right thing by blocking him on social media,it's a good start.Your story reminds me very much of narcissistic type of behaviour,you can start reading articles and watching you tube videos on the topic.These people very often have a double life and it can take some time before their partner finds out about it.You have to be strong,if he tries to hoover you back,which they usually do,don't fall for it,it's a trick and you are going to regret it.You need to start practising self-care,start doing something you like every day,take up a hobby or sport,go for walks,read,listen to music etc,something that you didn't have the time to do when you were with him and that will take your mind off of things..It will take time but show yourself love,this is where you should star,tell yourself that you are loveable and enough just the way you are!We uaually project the love and good qualities in us onto other people and fall in love with our projected image,someone who does not exist.Start reading a little bit about co-dependency issues and narcissistic personality disorder!Keep posting here to vent,you can also start journaling about your anxiety,write in it every day to let it all out,don't keep it in yourself!This is very important!And one more thing - for narcissists sex is just a way to control and gain power or manipulate ,they are not capable of connecting to other people on an emotional level,it's just a physical thing void of deep connection,so don't think he loves somebody else more than you!Hope this helps,take care! :)